SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, here I am.

My husband was also my best friend. I never suspected anything. I have a lot of trauma in my background and with this additional trauma, I couldn't cope. On d-day, I checked myself into the hospital. I'm doing better now - even back at my full-time teaching job. I have an official depression and PTSD diagnosis and I'm on meds.

We slept at different locations for awhile but he is now back at home and sleeping in the guest room. I'm not even sleeping in our bed ... I am on a couch (which I find comfortable). I just can't sleep in our bed right now. My husband has been showing a lot of remorse and wants to reconcile. He did the whole messed up "trickle truth" thing at first, which was really fun with my PTSD. He swears he has told me everything now and there have been no more disclosures for about a week and a half. He has been very patient and open as I've asked him questions and questions and questions.

If you would have asked me, "who is the most trustworthy person you know?" a month ago I would have said, "my husband." But he had an encounter with a prostitute while on a business trip six years ago. He tested himself for STDs right when he got back and I just tested as well and we are all clear there. He was also active on sex chat / dating sites four years ago. He says it lasted around two-three months and he was on about 5 different sites.

I'm devastated. I loved him SO much. But the way he was able to just lie to me all these years makes me feel like I don't really know him. And I had no idea that it was possible to be in this much pain. I've been through a lot of shit ... but this? This is just horrible.

We are each in IC and we are interviewing marriage counselors right now. But when I'm asked if I want to reconcile, I'm just so confused. I love him and it is difficult to imagine life without him. However, there is a huge risk with this. If he cheats again I really don't think my brain can stand another trauma. When I got out of the hospital and my meds were adjusting, I had a psychotic break. It was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced and scary as hell.

I am glad to be on this site and glad you are all here sharing your stories.

I can totally relate to your pain because my husband is also my best friend and he cheated on me with his assistant at work.

1st by having an emotional obsession with her for the last few years.

Where he even admitted to envisioning her on all of our family trips instead of me.

And then a few months back that his one sided obsession became an emotional then physical affair that lasted for a few months before I discovered it and everything blew up.

I discovered a text message on his phone from her that made it clear that they were having a romantic love affair.

He has since broken it off with her and tells me that I'm the one he wants to be with and he wants our marriage to succeed. But just like you I don't know if I can ever trust him again or believe anything he is telling me.

I also wonder if she is the 1st he swears that she is but how will I ever know.

Your comment about who is the most trustworthy honest person you know really hit home with me because I would have said that about my husband before all of this.

It's like how he was even capable of this just blows my mind.

I didn't end up hospitalized abd im so sorry you had to go through that, but I certainly could see that could have been a possibility when I 1st found out. I was absolutely enraged. I destroyed every photo of us in our home and broke every momento that we had of our 15 years together. I have never been that angry and in that much pain in my life.

And then since then there have been many screaming and lots of tears and tons of pain.

I think the worst part for people like us is having husbands that seem for so long to be absolutely perfect and such good citizens of the world and then default from grace is so far.

We are trying to reconcile but I'm really struggling because it's a rollercoaster of emotions one minute I'm so angry at him and the next minute I just want to hold him close.

I hope things get better for you and all I can say is the most important thing probably is focusing on yourself and your care and I know that's way easier said than done.

You're not alone in this hopefully that helps a little bit. :)

You are not Obligated to decide right now whether to R or D or S.

It doesn’t matter what he wants. You owe him nothing right now.

You need to have your own counselor who can support you. I would not start with marriage counseling but suggest you start with a counselor just for you.

Then from there you can decide what you want. Right now may be too soon for you to know definitively what you want.

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

What's prompted his confession?

Amandal2022 so sorry you are going through this too and it really does help to know that you are on a similar roller coaster of emotions. To answer some of the questions, we are both in IC and we are also interviewing marriage counselors. My husband says he is committed to figuring out why he did this in the first place and will be working on that with his IC.

What prompted the disclosure is a long and complicated story but I’ll do my best to summarize. Somehow, sex chat came up and I jokingly said, "you’ve never done that have you?" He said, "well, one time it just popped up and I responded but then got out of it." I did some reaserch and the next morning told him that I know how these sites work and I know there is more he has to tell me.

I went for a walk and came back and told him I was moving into the basement. I told him if he didn’t come to me with the truth in the next few months I’d eventually move out. He told me that he was thinking a lot while I was out and he wanted to have an authentic marriage and relationship. He told me that yes, he had been on sex chat sites and then paused and said, "this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say" and then told me about the prostitute on the business trip in South Korea.

He lied about some of the details surrounding those things, but then eventually came clean on his own. Again, super fun to get more trauma inflicted on my already wonky brain :(.

I think you are right, though. It’s too soon for me to know what I want. It’s also too soon to know if I trust that he has told me everything. And my mental health is fragile and I need to take that seriously.

He has told me again and again that he has no interest in hiding anything anymore and that it is all "out on the table" so to speak. He says he understands why I don’t trust / believe him and that it is his work to do to earn my trust back. He has been very patient in that regard and has willingly answered any and all questions I’ve had. We’ve talked for hours and hours and, eventhough he’s not much of a talker, he’s been willing to engage in productive conversation whenever I want and for as long as I want. He’s really, really trying … but I’m not there yet. I do love him. That’s all I know for sure.

I can understand your not trusting him. It's like I wanted to believe my husband too but right now one day I maybe do, then the next day I'm scouring his phone.

This morning I found a document in notes he wrote during the affair..it was song lyrics some for his affair partner " waiting for a girl like you"

Some for me I guess "tainted love"

That really hurt.

I haven't confronted him yet about it. He swore to me yesterday that he never stopped loving me during the affair and that he just felt like he had a mid life crisis and wasn't himself doing it. Convenient!

My hubby too is willing to talk about the affair. I do feel like I've gotten all the info
But it really sucks because how could he be texting her (1,000's of texts over just 1 month period) and they were all love you, or sexy texts. He says it was all pure fantasy and meant none of it. What does that say about his morals either?

If it had just been a physical thing I think I could forget it easier but it looks on paper anyway that he fell in love with someone else. He swears he was not. He says she served herself up to him on a silver platter and he just couldn't resist. So I told him you have to resist that's what marriage is all about.

He is swearing he learned his lesson, he realized how close he came to losing his family but how can I ever truly believe him again? That's were we are all at I guess.

Sucks! Maybe there are some husband's on here who cheated once but then woke up and became trustworthy husband's? I'd love to hear your perspective! To see how you overcame your wife's mistrust?

Thanks everyone!

Yeah that is how I am, too … one day I think he has told me everything but then the next day I have this, "… but wait … he lied before so how can you be so dumb?" kind of a feeling. I wish I had some answers for you. I assume therapy helps with that but we are still interviewing potential therapists. Have you started MC?

And sometimes I think it is good he’s at home and then sometimes (like last night) I just wish he were anywhere but here and I can hardly look at him I’m so mad.

I’m sorry you found the song lyrics … I bet that did hurt.

Ugh. I just can’t believe how agonizing this is. The thing I can’t stop thinking about is that my husband says "he always made it clear during sex chat that he was married." So … he gave those other women the courtesy of knowing the truth BUT kept me in the dark. That realization really, really hurts. And by the way I hate the term "sex chat." It feels minimizing to me. Mutual masterbation with talk and images? It’s cyber sex clear and simple.

And I understand your frustration with your husband saying he couldn’t resist and how maddening that is. I have never cheated - not because it has been easy but because I love my husband and I worked hard not to put myself into a position where I’d be tempted to cheat. My guess is you’ve done the same!

For example, for awhile I was a stay at home mom and I used to socialize a lot with this stay at home dad because our kids loved each other. He and I became friends. I was always sure to tell my husband things first, before ever discussing them with the other dad, because I wanted to be sure NOT to be in EA territory ever. That dad was divorced and my husband traveled a lot so it could have been tricky. It never was, though, because I told my husband about my boundaries and I was super careful.

My husband? Follows his gross coworker into a bar with prostitutes while away from me in South Korea. He swears he wasn’t considering doing anything … until he was. He did absolutely no work toward prevention. He could have walked on down the sidewalk and back to the hotel but didn’t. The mature thing is to recognize the temptation and get out of the situation asap.

Family is putting up the Christmas tree today. I have a feeling I am going to want to burn it down. I’m out of shock mode and into anger and it isn’t fun to be here.

Yeah that is how I am, too … one day I think he has told me everything but then the next day I have this, "… but wait … he lied before so how can you be so dumb?" kind of a feeling. I wish I had some answers for you. I assume therapy helps with that but we are still interviewing potential therapists. Have you started MC?

And sometimes I think it is good he’s at home and then sometimes (like last night) I just wish he were anywhere but here and I can hardly look at him I’m so mad.

I’m sorry you found the song lyrics … I bet that did hurt.

Ugh. I just can’t believe how agonizing this is. The thing I can’t stop thinking about is that my husband says "he always made it clear during sex chat that he was married." So … he gave those other women the courtesy of knowing the truth BUT kept me in the dark. That realization really, really hurts. And by the way I hate the term "sex chat." It feels minimizing to me. Mutual masterbation with talk and images? It’s cyber sex clear and simple.

And I understand your frustration with your husband saying he couldn’t resist and how maddening that is. I have never cheated - not because it has been easy but because I love my husband and I worked hard not to put myself into a position where I’d be tempted to cheat. My guess is you’ve done the same!

For example, for awhile I was a stay at home mom and I used to socialize a lot with this stay at home dad because our kids loved each other. He and I became friends. I was always sure to tell my husband things first, before ever discussing them with the other dad, because I wanted to be sure NOT to be in EA territory ever. That dad was divorced and my husband traveled a lot so it could have been tricky. It never was, though, because I told my husband about my boundaries and I was super careful.

My husband? Follows his gross coworker into a bar with prostitutes while away from me in South Korea. He swears he wasn’t considering doing anything … until he was. He did absolutely no work toward prevention. He could have walked on down the sidewalk and back to the hotel but didn’t. The mature thing is to recognize the temptation and get out of the situation asap.

Family is putting up the Christmas tree today. I have a feeling I am going to want to burn it down. I’m out of shock mode and into anger and it isn’t fun to be here.

I'm sorry you qualify for membership. I'm glad you found us - it looks like you're getting some help.

My hat is off to you for checking yourself into the hospital. That shows a lot of strength. My bet is that you have a lot of strength that you don't yet know about. It's there, ready to be used. I can't help feeling most of us are stronger than we realize.

As bad as you feel now, take my word for this: you can heal, survive, and thrive. You've got to process a lot of awful feelings from being betrayed, and you've got to process a lot of awful feelings from illusions getting shattered, but you can survive and thrive nevertheless. Healing is painful, but it less painful than not healing (otherwise known as rug-sweeping).

The D/R decision will affect decades of your life. IMO, it's best to take time with that decision if you have the time. But R is impossible unless the WS is willing to do the work necessary to change from betrayer to good partner.

If R is on the table for you, start thinking about your requirements for R. When you've got them, ask your WS to sign on - if they do, R can start; if they won't, unless they come back with something that's acceptable to you, you know R is impossible. If R starts, you'll need to monitor results and adjust accordingly (which means anything from giving up a minor requirement to giving up on the M).

One way to know if your WS is a good candidate for R is to compare them with https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. My reco is to read the opening post in that thread. If it makes sense to you, print it out, remove references to SI that show up at the top or bottom of the page, and ask your H to read it it and discuss.

IOW, don't tell your WS about SI until you know they won't use it against you.

Again, have some faith in yourself. Human beings know how to heal, so listen to yourself. If you can't figure out what you're telling yourself, a good IC can help.

Thank you so much Sisoon!

So helpful - I went to the link you provided and intend to print it out for my WS.

Can I ask - what is SI? I put that into the abbreviation part of this site and it doesn't come up. I want to be sure to remove what you suggested I remove.

thanks.

Oh I see now. You mean Surviving Infidelity?

He knows I'm in some kind of chat room for support. Not sure if he knows the name of it or not but thank you!

Please, please do NOT tell your husband about this site.

It's your safe space.