SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Together x 9 years, married x2. The cheating began (or so I am told) just a few months after we married in Sept, 2020, the year of COVID. As more information comes forward and the patterns have become clear with more trickle truths, my therapist tells me that I married a Sex Addict, who also struggles with alcohol addiction.

He did the same with his X-wife of 17 years, but she never knew. Porn, masturbation, strip clubs, Match dot com, business-trip sexual affairs...the list goes on. With me, he escalated into escorts and sugar babies and spent around $30k when he already had debt owed elsewhere and was minimally contributing to our household.

He is working hard in IC, marriage counseling, books, podcasts and is now looking into specific individual & group therapy for Sex Addicts. I clearly see humility, remorse, empathy, & change from him. He has made many realizations as to why he is an addict (also struggles with alcohol addiction) and working to change for the better. I have promised myself that I would give us 6 months before making any permanent decisions to leave or stay, but the more I learn, the more I begin to believe that this (and me) is beyond repair.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom to share on Sex Addiction issues ? I've heard that a VERY HIGH majority of sex addicts will relapse and I have made it crystal clear to him that's a deal breaker for me. I have set clear boundaries and it will be over.

Welcome, HBM, to the best club nobody here ever wanted to belong to. You will find tons of support and wisdom here.

First, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve it. Realize and remember that you did NOT cause his infidelity, that is 110% ON HIM.

Second, yes, he needs a lot of work. I too had an SA of a WH. He claimed he was going to SA meetings, and he was actually going to see his AP. We divorced and he married her. Now, he cheats on her. I'd feel bad for her, but as they say, if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. IMO, she did everything but outright ask to be cheated on.

Third, I've been in recovery since before my D-Day. I just celebrated 18 years of one day at a time a few weeks ago. I relapsed in the middle of the pick-me dance, and my recovery from alcoholism and infidelity are very closely tied together. But working my 12 steps put my recovery from my now-XSAWH'S (as it turned out numerous) affairs in hyperdrive, and I got a lot of the hard work done to fix me accomplished in a short amount of time.

I'm still not sure why my higher power picked me to survive the wretched disease that is alcoholism, but I am eternally grateful that I'm one of the fortunate survivors.

It's not the majority of addicts that successfully complete the 12 steps. I'll be honest and share that it was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. And I delivered a 9lb., 13 oz. baby! To do the steps fully, especially the 4th, you have to be brave (and for me, desperate) enough to be completely honest. This is after a lifetime of lies that you tell yourself and others; those closest to you are not spared from the list of those that are lied to, and possibly suffer the most.

BUT, if you can bare your soul, share it with another, and are absolved of a lifetime of narcissistic, selfish, destructive behavior, the spiritual awakening is by far the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you, and you come out of the process free and joyful, and changed forever at the core. You don't have to be the most spiritual person, or the bravest, or the smartest. You just have to be willing to do absolutely anything to survive.

Please please get yourself into an Al-Anon program. It's free, everywhere, flexible to fit your schedule and responsibilities, and the people there know what you're going through as you struggle to love an addict. Take what you need and leave the rest. I did Al-Anon for a while because of my SAWH, but being on "both sides of the coin," I found the level of whining and justifying their addicts' behaviors intolerable. Like I said, take what you need, and leave the rest. It's nice to know you're not alone in your struggles, if nothing else. That's one of the great things about SI. We've all been there, and understand what you're going through.

Just know that you WILL survive this. Maybe not with the most grace or style, but you're not being graded, so just do the best to take care of yourself. Seriously, simple things like staying hydrated, eating, and getting sleep are essential right now.

Trust your gut. It rarely lies to you.

There is a commonly used phrase in AA that probably applies to your WH right now. "Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Others with much more sage advice will be along soon.

In the meantime, I'm sending you peace, serenity, and hope. You will survive this!

While a majority of sex addicts relapse, it’s hard to know WHEN it occurs. You just end up finding out — just like the first time you learned of the cheating etc.

Get a post nup. Protect yourself. It should be stated in the post nup "D for any reason" not "D b/c he cheated".

Get your finances under control. You should not be responsible for his debt and he should not have free access to any $. He’s proven to be irrational and irresponsible. Please don’t allow it to continue.

Have his paycheck or earnings moved into an account you control. Pay off his debts. Get out if the hole.

And I agree, you need to get into a support group and get your own counseling.

Others with much more sage advice will be along soon.

No – credit to where credit is due. The above post from Solarchick is spot-on and all we can do is possibly add to it and contribute.

I don’t battle addiction and haven’t personally gone through AA and 12 steps, but I have very close relatives and friends that have, and even more that haven’t but should. I do volunteer-work with young recovering addicts in a group that is directly connected to the local AA group/chapter, so I can possibly claim to know something about recovery.
My experience is that those that are successful in their sobriety (be it alcohol, drugs, overeating, sex-addiction…) are those that commit to AA (CA, OA, SA…) and do intense 12 step. Frankly – as a rule – they tend to have more than two attempts, with failures and relapses and doubts, before becoming successful in their ongoing sobriety.

It's not the majority of addicts that successfully complete the 12 steps.

That is so true. The process is like a gym. You can have a gym with the 12 best muscle enhancing apparatus but if you just go past them without applying yourself there wont be any gain. You probably need to take each of the 12 steps several times, dwell on one step, go back a step or two or maybe even revisit all 12 once you think you have finished the first round. If anything Solarchik understates the success of a single round through the 12 steps – it’s a minority that successfully complete the 12 step, because even those that do it right might find a need to revisit years later in their sobriety. Sort-of to reaffirm why today is a good day to remain sober, and to help you wake up tomorrow thinking tomorrow will be a great day to remain sober.

I guess what both Solarchick and I are implying is that your husband needs a program to work on his sobriety. Be it to deal with his alcoholism or his sex-addiction. I guess we would both agree that AA and 12 step is a program that can be successful and deals with various forms of addictions.

I have some personal opinions on addiction and infidelity…
First – I take addictions very seriously. That is why I don’t think your IC might be correctly placed to label your husband as a sex addict. IMHO the first step would be to have a certified professional diagnose your husband. IMHO it’s too common that people self-diagnose and if you do that you risk applying the wrong treatment to the real problem. Sort-of like placing your foot in a cast because your arm is swollen.
It takes a lot for a person to acknowledge they are doing wrong, and it’s human nature to seek reasons or justifications. IF your husband is a SA then treatment for that is both necessary and important. If however he is simply an old-fashioned cheater… well… SA treatment wont help.

Second – and this is just MY opinion. I think anyone battling with alcoholism or drug addiction isn’t capable of dealing with issues like fidelity and moral changes UNTIL they have started dealing with the addiction. I have seen instances here on SI where I suspect the WS is cheating mainly to avoid having to deal with the addiction. Sort-of like they are trying to divert their spouse from the drinking to the marital issues. Alcohol muddles your brain. It changes priority. YOU – the person you – isn’t a priority but rather feeding the addiction.
This is why an alcoholic will have a drink before a meeting despite knowing hes on his last warning at work, despite knowing he has to pick up his kids and drive home, despite knowing the money was for utilities… Feeding the addiction takes precedence and anything that threatens the addiction is the enemy.

I think that if your husband were to focus on the SA rather than the drinking… well… even if he did get some results then if his alcoholism was threatened he would go get a lap-dance to focus you and the world back at his SA rather than his alcoholism.

I guess what my long-winded post is trying to get across is this:
If he wants this marriage and if you want this marriage get him to focus on sobriety through a program like AA.
Once he starts there he can also attend SA meetings, but the focus for the first couple of months should be sobriety. It’s in it’s base the same process for both, but I truly think that while still drinking any progress made on the SA is threatened by the next sip.

You are dealing with two addiction issues, and his childhood trauma. That's 3 major things he will have to fix himself to be a good partner for you long term. If you don't have kids together, cut your losses now. Sorry to be so strong on this, but you have an uphill battle going up Everest, it will not be an easy road.

Think about this? You set clear boundaries, but what are the chances that he doesn't at least break one of them sometime in the future? Chances are very very slim. You will look back and see that you've wasted more years of your life on this. Chances of some sort of relapse is high. I would not waste more years of my life on this.

Only a certified CSAT can diagnose him as a sex addict.

I'm sorry you're here. I too was married for more than 25 years to a man who turned out to be a SA and addict in many other areas.
He did two inpatient rehabs, one for SA and one for boundaries, and 'worked' at his recovery. But even after all that, he couldn't stop lying about the little things, and that's when I knew I needed to end the marriage. Two years later, he still struggles with healthy behavior. I miss my dreams but I don't miss a dysfunctional marriage or babysitting a broken man.

Focus on your own side of the street. Find an SA-Anon meeting or SAL12step so you will have a community who knows what you are going through. Work with a trauma therapist. Understand trauma bonding. Do family of origin work so you understand how you ended up with this man.
And frankly, if you've only been married for two years, and know that losing his wife of 17 years wasn't his bottom, get out now. Maybe he gets himself back together, but if he does, it will take 4 or 5 years. Go live your own best life in the meantime.

I am an alcoholic with 24 years sober. I say that to let you know that I have some knowledge of addiction and addicts. I hope what I have to say is helpful and know that it is meant in a loving and supportive way.

First things first, as we say in AA. As Hellfire said, he must be diagnosed by a certified CSAT. Cheaters can use the "sickness" of an addiction to get off of the hot seat. In reading your post, you describe a progression of increasingly risky, sexualized behavior, which means that compulsive thought processes may well be present - one of the symptoms of an addiction. It IS possible to self-diagnose as an addict, but the purpose of that is to begin the process of recovery, not as an excuse to rationalize dysfunctional behavior. The disease of addiction explains the behavior but it does not excuse it in any way. My advice would be to visit a CSAT for a diagnosis so that you can be sure of where you stand. It is very difficult to live with a newly recovering addict, especially one who has dual addictions.

My FWH is a sex addict. He was clean and sober from alcohol/drugs for 20 years. He stopped doing the things he needed to do to stay sober and to maintain a healthy spiritual condition: stopped going to 12-step meetings and stopped working a program. It took a few years, but he began an addictive relationship with pornography. I caught him a few times and finally began to see that it was becoming a problem for him and for our relationship. Since he had so many years clean and sober from substances, I felt that he could get the help he needed on his own. Sadly, I swept it under the rug and, like all addictions, it progressed into a physical affair. When my husband was caught, he was actively planning a second affair. Progression is the name of the game with sex addiction,

Sobriety from addiction is a LIFELONG process. If your husband is not actively working on the emotional and behavioral dysfunction that enables the disease, then it is almost a guaranteed path to relapse. He needs to learn the tools necessary to sustain long term sobriety and he can only truly learn those tools through work with sober addicts. In my experience, sustained sobriety is only possible with active participation in a 12-step program. Period. Not for a week, not a year, FOREVER. Sex addiction also requires individual therapy as it is a process addiction, which means it is a compulsion to continually engage in certain behaviors despite the negative impact on one’s life. Sex addiction, like eating addictions, are especially tricky since sex and eating are behaviors that humans engage in which are necessary for a healthy life. If you want a healthy relationship, then sex is usually part of that. If I, as an alcoholic, had to take a drink on a weekly basis in order to maintain a healthy relationship, then it would be extremely difficult to stay sober. This is why there is so much relapse for SAs.

TBH, an addict’s words are meaningless. Addicts are constitutionally incapable of honesty. ACTIONS will tell you if your husband is serious about being safe for you and for himself. If your husband will not do whatever it takes to get and stay clean, then he is not serious about recovery. I have been working with addicts for many years. They, like cheaters, follow certain patterns of behavior. They commonly promise a LOT of action while waiting for the commotion to die down so they can continue to use. Unless your husband actually follows through with his promises, then it is addict bullshit. Your husband has "used"/cheated before and still remained married. You are still married after discovery. Addicts can understand this as a "free pass", and will manipulate the situation so that they can continue to comfortably do what they want to do.

If your husband does not commit to the necessary work consistently and for the long term in order to make meaningful changes, you will be a hostage to his active addiction. As you know, life with an active addict is guaranteed to bring chaos and misery to your life. It is up to you to set the boundaries and expectations with what you can or cannot tolerate and to follow through with consequences. Addicts do not find sobriety until they hit their "bottom". If he is able to stay in the house and married to you without making any significant changes, why would he? He will not get better until he is ready and this is completely up to him.

This would be my list of non-negotiables:

1. 12-step meetings multiple times per week. They are online, so no excuses. He should start in AA since this is a much more stable program with a ton of history and people with long term sobriety.

2. Work with a sponsor. He will need to find one with some sober time.

3. Ongoing therapy with a CSAT. MC is not what he needs right now. The marriage is not the problem, HE is.

4. Taking the suggestions of his therapist and his sponsor and ACTING on those suggestions willingly.

5. Complete honesty at all times.

6. All electronics are open to your review whenever you need to see them and his whereabouts are verifiable. This is ACCOUNTABILITY. If he is misbehaving online, then I would consider computer use only when you are present when he is not at work.

I am an outspoken gal, and I will tell you that without honesty, there is no hope. If your husband does not get willing and honest at all times, he will almost certainly continue some sort of addictive behavior and you will bear the brunt of that. Addicts will take advantage of kindness, which they see as weakness, to manipulate in order to continue to do what they want. It is counterintuitive that kindness, mercy and compassion will enable an addict, but that is the truth of the disease.

You cannot control your husband’s actions or the outcome. He and only he can decide to get better. You need to take care of yourself first. If you have kids, they need to be far away from active addiction.

The first thing I see in your post that alarms me is when you say that you are beyond repair. Nope! You are in a whirlwind of toxic abuse. You will get better when you get out.

Any kids together? If no, RUN. My ex is a sex addict. We were together just shy of 10 years. I understand that leaving is easier said than done. But find a way. Honestly if you do have kids, same advice. But you would just need to work to make sure the kids are safe when they are work him.

My life got better the second I kicked him out. The sun shined brighter, the uncertainty of the future wasn’t so scary. But I needed him OUT of my home and life to see it.

Remember that HE is the addict and HE has a problem and you are a separate individual that only deals with the dark and abusive life of SA if you choose to stay. You are allowed to leave. Focus on YOU. YOU are the one that can save you.

I sincerely appreciate all the honest & helpful responses. Especially from "Notmine". I know this will be an uphill battle and still question whether its what will be in my future. This is all still very fresh & raw for me.

His "rock bottom" was the days immediately following D-day when I kicked him out and began to file for divorce. He reports the realization that he would be losing everything that meant anything to him and that his life as he knew it was essentially over – but it took him a few days to fully grasp that reality.

The good I see is that he has taken the steps to heal upon himself. For the first time I am actually seeing action and not a bunch of bullshit promises. I have asked him to do very little and am essentially standing by waiting and watching to see if he’s got what it takes. Yes, I am testing him. Sadly, I have to be honest and say that I don’t think he has the strength based on his extensive history of lies, deception, alcohol and sexual abuse.

However, he is actively seeking out ways to learn & heal and none of that has come from my pushing him to do so. He is doing his weekly AA meetings, his weekly IC therapy, reading books, podcasts, etc and is, for the first time in his life, realizing how he was so damaged from his childhood and how he soothed himself with sex & alcohol. Yes, I believe he is not being 100% honest with me about his past infidelity events in detail (though I do know more than I can emotionally handle right now), but through the sticky web of lies I don’t believe that even if he was being honest about everything that I would ever believe him. I have suggested he find a new IC therapist with Sex Addiction credentials (which is who I now have as a therapist) to better help him. I do not trust his words and rely only on his behaviors and actions as proof of any progress. I have braced myself for what’s coming my way and am READY TO WALK AWAY AT ANY TIME & have made that crystal clear to him -- as well as my non-negotiable boundaries. Unfortunately, I am a kind, merciful and compassionate person & that’s why he was drawn to me, which makes me a perfect co-dependent companion for him.

Thanks again for all the feedback and if anyone else has any words of wisdom, I will appreciate every single brutally honest word.