SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if this is the right forum, since I'm on day 10 since finding out about the EA. We talked it out, made a plan and were going to fix the marriage. Then he started contacting the OW again yesterday. He thinks it's probably limerence, but hasn't been able to pull away from the OW. I am just not functional right now. I've been trying to find a therapist since the day after I found out. None of them seem to answer the phone or call back. The one office that did respond has been texting me for a week and I still don't have an appointment. I do have an appointment with a lawyer, but I really want this to work. We both were going to go to individual counselors and do marriage counseling. I still love my H. It's like a death, but he's still there.

He didn't cheat because of anything you did or didn't do. Neither you or the marriage is a fault. HE needs to work on himself,and figure out what it is in him that said infidelity is an option. It's way too soon for MC. He needs to be in IC for awhile.

What is his plan to become a safe partner?

At minimum, he should be...

Tested for stds. When distance isn't a factor, it's very rare that affairs aren't physical.

Find a new job if OW is a coworker.

Answer all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, and no blame.

Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts, including the phone. Passwords included.

He goes complete NC with OW.

He writes a complete timeline.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your Job is to take care of yourself, and watch his actions. His words mean nothing. He's a wayward,and they lie. And you need to be tested for stds.

You need to call her husband and tell him of the affair. Do not tell your husband. He will warn her,and by the time you speak to the husband, he will have been told you're crazy,and accusing all female acquaintances of having an affair with your husband. And,since he is supposed to be NC, if he says anything you know the affair is continuing.

Do not tell him about this site.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:41 PM, Thursday, January 5th]

So sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity is the worst. I'm going to recommend that you don't do MC for a while. Your M didn't cheat, your spouse did. IC is recommended to get started, and after there's been healing, then do MC.

There's no magic anything that is going to take away the pain, unfortunately. You'll have to work through the pain. You'll get lots of advice, so take what you need and leave the rest.

Focus on you and your healing. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, I bumped a couple of threads for you, such as Before You Say Reconcile (hint: recover).

If you've been reading here, then you know that we recommend eating, staying hydrated, trying to sleep. If you need meds, see your doctor.

A lot of what you're feeling is normal. Keep posting and asking questions.

Thanks for the advice. I know this is not my fault, but I also know I have issues I need to work on personally. We both were going to seek therapy then down the road, MC. It helps me just to be able to get my feelings out there and feel like someone is listening who understands.

IC is a great idea. MC needs to wait. Many MCs really aren't skilled in infidelity. They're there to treat the marriage,not the cheater, and certainly not the BS. A bad MC can do far more harm than no MC. We've had several horror stories here. MCs who don't believe in transparency, or feel the BS has no right to ask questions. Or they want the BS to take the blame for the affair. Or they think NC with the AP is controlling. Even worse, that the affair was empowering.