SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am in desperate need of advice and some virtual support. I am in a very dire situation that has me deeply upset and scared of what could come.

Background: DH and I have been married 8 years, together for 11, and are in our 40s with two young kids. We were long distance when we dated and were engaged, and then moved to the same city six months before we got married. While dating, we weren’t totally exclusive in the beginning, but obviously were by the time we got engaged. A few months after we were married, I found out he had had a last hurrah with an ex for one night. It occurred when we were engaged but hadn’t yet moved to the same city together. He had broken all communication and told her he was planning to marry. She figured out how to contact me and sent me a message. I confronted him, he was mortified and remorseful, we entered months of individual and marriage counseling and ultimately stayed together. We have done complete open access to communications and have check ins with a counselor from time to time. I’d say I had built back trust to a decent level, and didn’t think about the infidelity every day. We have had 8 years of a mostly happy marriage. It hasn’t been perfect but there has been respect, communication, friendship, decent amount of romance (harder with small kids and work travel).

Two weeks ago, DH came home extremely upset. He told me he had been fired because work found out he and a colleague had had sex which is against policies. What’s worse, the other person confessed to her DH and has (we think) been coerced by him into reporting it was not consensual. By reporting the allegation she has been protected from being fired, which would have happened to her as well for her part in the act. There is an investigation but he has not been charged with anything. He is on administrative leave and has retained attorneys.

He has — I believe truthfully which I know sounds naive — told me the series of events as is. They were on a work trip at the same location, had drinks with colleagues after the work event, and then she said she wanted to show him some photos on her laptop from a hobby they been discussing and they went to her room. He claims they were chatting then she leaned in and told him she thought he was attractive, put her legs on his lap, and they kissed. They stopped and talked about what’s going on here (she is also married with children) and she got up and went to the bathroom. He stood up to leave, she came back, then they kissed again and had sex. Afterwards they discussed that it was a bad decision and he left. The next day they talked again in person that it was a terrible mistake, she asked for everything to just go back to normal, he agreed and they traveled separately back from the trip. Before and after this incident they had never flirted or communicated in anything but a professional manner. This was somebody he worked with occasionally and with whom he claims has never flirted or had communication outside of professional capacity at work. It wasn’t planned or "a long time coming" or similar. I’ve reviewed all text messages and emails and everything is completely up to code. The nature of his work requires emails cannot be deleted; they go to a server. He has pulled up the server entries so I know nothing was deleted. Same for his cell statement which I have been through.

He described (on my insistence) what happened to prove it was consensual. There were different positions, foreplay, things she joked about "my DH is going to kill you if he finds out." He has sworn on our children’s lives that it was consensual. Though I have little reason to trust, I do believe him. He is not capable of a crime; it’s just simply not the person he is. Her words and actions also don’t fit somebody who is a victim: The next day she emailed him inviting him out to dinner with two other colleagues before they flew back from the trip but joked he was probably tired from presenting at the conference so understood if he wanted to pass. (He did). We also ran into this woman and her husband, whom we’ve met a few times at work events, about two weeks after the incident at a restaurant. She came over from her table to our group four times to talk during the course of the evening, was happy and friendly, complimented something he had recently done at work. She ran into him at work the next day and said she was sorry she crashed our party but that we were more fun. He thought they had just made a terrible mistake and had agreed to move on and had been professional after the fact. He presumed she was on the same page from her words and actions. Until he found out she was now claiming it was not consensual.

Not only am I dealing with infidelity, I can’t even start to address it because of the serious allegation made against him. We live in a small community and are involved quite a bit, and some know he was let go and there is an investigation just not what for. Some friends have reached out just to say they’re sorry and are here for us, but others are giving a wide berth (understandably). We are not talking to anyone about what it going on other than each having a single designated confidant to confide in.

We are deeply scared of what could come. There is no evidence, just her word versus his. All he has are communications showing professionalism and colleagues who were with them up to a certain point; they knew she had stayed to show him the photos but of course had no clue anything was or did happen after. She could say she was drunk (they were all drinking but nobody was drunk), or that she was coerced because he is senior to her. Her word is stronger here and despite the rage I have for both of them for being so disrespectful, I’m MORE concerned about my DH going to prison for something he categorically did not do. If he is charged and it goes to court it will be wildly public and awful. And my children could lose their father. The investigation will take a long time, we were told, potentially months, and because she is claiming she’s a victim the first component of the investigation is only focusing on her, and her story of what happened. He will not be asked for his side at this time, which is hugely frustrating, and why we have attorneys right now.

I don’t know what to do other than try to get through each day. Our kids are cared for, DH and I are each trying to set up mental health appointments. I am not sleeping or eating well and am completely spaced out. I’m getting by at work and with the kids; they are too young to know anything is going on thankfully. He and I are being civil and managing logistics while he focuses on his attorneys and what could happen. His future career is in jeopardy and I don’t make enough to support us or even me and the kids solo. We are not rich but aren’t paycheck to paycheck. For now he is being paid. I am trying to deal with scrutiny and knowing people are gossiping about him/us, which is crippling to me.

We have been talking each day about the future. He is despondent that he hurt me and wants to make it work if I am willing to try. I’m not willing to do anything other than not make a decision right now because there is so much else at stake. In some sick way because we did so much therapy and work when I found out he had cheated before we were married, I’m almost numb to it because I’ve been hurt so deeply already and already "did all the work" to come back from it. So what’s another round? There are bigger things to focus on for now but I am completely drowning.

A few things. This wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.

He needs to be tested for stds. So do you.

He wasn't going to tell you. He had no choice. Common sense says there have been other affairs.

I'd be very careful in saying her husband made her say it wasn't consensual.

Cheaters lie.

This isn't the first time he's cheated. So now he is a serial cheater.

Rape,even with evidence, is very difficult to prove. Right now, it's her word against his. The chances of him going to prison,with zero evidence is very small. The chances of him being charged are very small.

He was let go from work because he was in a senior position. Which means he had authority over her. His company let him go,because otherwise they would face a lawsuit.

I'm sorry this happened.

If he did the work to become a safe partner the first time,then what is he going to do differently this time?

I really think it's telling that he didn't tell you because he was sorry. He told you because he had to. He came home,and had sex with you,potentially exposing you to stds. The two of them decided, together, to just forget about it, with zero consideration for their spouses.

He wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

I'm so sorry I don't have any real advice for you, but I just wanted to send you hugs & support, I'm so sorry for you that things feel so difficult right now, just remember you will start to function more normally at some point & you won't feel like this forever - just remember that to keep you going xx

Hi Fold, and sorry you are in such a mess.

You’ve gotten some good advice.

You need to focus on you and your kids. He got all of you into this big mess, so he is going to have to figure out how to get out of it. And I think you need to refer to him as your WS. (Wayward spouse). The rose colored glasses have to come off so you can deal with the reality of who he is and what he has done.

I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP to understand what MIGHT happen under various scenarios. If he is convicted of rape, if you find out there is more to the story you end up divorcing, etc. As others have pointed out, he’s cheated before and only confessed b/c he got in legal trouble. You need to PROTECT yourself and your kids. Assume the worst and plan accordingly. I know this is hard and heartbreaking, but you need to protect your kids. Also, understanding what these might look like will help answer many of the unknowns and that is powerful. Knowledge is power, and it will help you mind settle down.

Look at your career. If he is not convicted, he will still need to get a job and may have to take one in another field or for less money. And you will have some big legal bills to pay. If he is convicted, you will need to be the sole earner. If you D, you will need to be the primary earner. Nothing fair here, but it is what it is. So start thinking about how you can start increasing your earning potential. Even if this works out in all the best case scenarios and you reconcile, he will have negatively impacted your savings and your future wealth, and you will have to make up that gap.

What skills can you develop? What will that take and how long? Just start thinking about this so you will have a plan.

Get that STD/STI testing done now.

And for you, take it one day at a time. Cut back on all expenses. Get sleep, exercise, lots of water and healthy food. If you are having trouble sleeping, see your doctor. Many of us needed anti-anxiety drugs right after DDAY to help us. Focus on you and your kids.

And you are right to not commit to anything right now. Honestly don’t worry about your M (marriage) - as you noted, there are bigger problems to tackle first. (((Hugs))). This is hard, but you sound like you have a sensible head and are very strong. You will get through this.

ETA: You said he is in a senior position. This means he can seen to have undue influence on her and that is sexual harassment It may not be rape per se, but it is very very bad. Was he her manager or in the same chain of command? Can she claim he could influence her career and pressured her into a relationship? That would mean he is not really falsely accused… I am so sorry. He really F’d things up.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 8:58 PM, Friday, May 19th]

Thank you from OP.

We have both been tested and results are negative. We will test again next month. We had not had sex since the cheating event (even before I knew).

I know he was not planning to tell me he cheated. He had to because he was put on administrative leave.

She is a work subordinate. That aspect is the scariest since she could claim she felt coerced or pressured because of their respective roles at work. Even though or if it was consensual, even if she was the one to make a move (and he equally wrong for participating). I am deathly afraid he will be skewered — will be charged and go to court for assault though it was consensual. If he is convicted (again, is potential of coercion enough?) he will go to prison, our lives will be ruined more than they feel ruined now. If he is acquitted he has still lost career opportunities and reputation. Regardless our marriage is at stake; if he is convicted I will absolutely divorce even if he is innocent.

I can’t even begin to process the betrayal because I am consumed by what could happen legally.

Sorry you are going through this.
I do encourage you to see your own attorney, and explore all the possiblities of what can happen and how it will impact you and your children.

Now this is going to hurt, or you may say I'm just an angry person, but sister you do not have the full truth.
I would encourage you to search for the following things. A burner phone, a different email, texting apps that were on his phone. I suspect that their relationship didn't blossom into full on sex on just this trip. There was something happening prior to this. Search for it.

You cannot trust his words. He isn't someone that would commit a crime, but listen he is NOT a safe partner, or a good father, a good father wouldn't throw his life out the window for one time, one night stand. There is a PA that was happening prior to this. Dig.

You cannot save your M, or rebuild until you have the full truth.

My friend was the WH in an instance like this not long ago. He lost his job but didn't get charged. Based on the story, I'd be willing to expect something similar. There is enough on the face of it that it doesn't seem above boards. Not enough hard evidence it was criminal. Your husband is certainly the perpetrator in your story. I know your loyalty and way of life are on the line here, but I'd be wary of letting the practical matters distract you from the fact that your husband definitely cheated with a subordinate at work. That's just shitty no matter what the other circumstances are.

Your top priority is you and your kids. Talk to a lawyer and set yourself up for success. You may want to D before the investigation is over to maximize alimony and child support.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:06 PM, Friday, May 19th]

Ahhh…. Work subordinate… THAT is the key-issue IMHO. A manager is always held more accountable for workplace affairs than the subordinate. Usually in companies sex between colleagues isn’t banned per se. That would be reaching too far into employees personal and private lives. However – managers are very aware that they are not allowed to have intimate personal relationships with subordinates. Especially direct subordinates.
Furthermore – the company faces a severe risk of wrongful dismissal charges and sexual harassment from the subordinate if they are not seen to take appropriate actions. Like the woman could insist that she had sex because he promised her a raise, threatened a bad review or whatever.

There is a difference between administrative leave and being fired. Which is it?
Who is doing an investigation?
If it was non-consensual there are more common terms for that: sexual assault and/or rape. Companies don’t investigate that but rather police. In fact – IF this was non-consensual and he forced himself on her the company can be entering serious legal hot-water if they insist on some internal investigation before suggesting the woman press charges.
What is more likely IMHO is that she insists that he used his position of power to pressure her for sex.

Unfortunately for him the only way he can convince HR (and police if required) that it was consensual is by admitting to the sex, thereby admitting that as a manager he broke that Golden Rule.

Friend – he’s not what you think… You say he can’t commit a crime (as in rape)… well… until about 100 years ago infidelity was a crime. He’s fully capable of that. And no – she didn’t accidentally fall on him. There is most likely a lot more to this story than you already know. IMHO the only way forward for his career and possibly for you marriage is that you have the TOTAL truth. HE is accountable for his decission to cheat, it’s not her fault for claiming he forced her into it.

Oh Fold, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It is so much to process and deal with and you are such a fiercely loyal wife that you automatically focus on your husband and the "unjustice" he is experiencing. I just know when folks come on here to share their thoughts, you are going to feel compelled to defend your husband and explain to us why we just don't understand your husband and he is a victim in this. You have years of history defending him, and you are hard-wired to do so. I would encourage you to hold off on trying to defend your husband and just try to internalize the feedback you are getting. You are in a very critical, consequential phase of this process and the decisions you make now have a huge impact on Future Fold.

Here are my initial observations and I just want you to read them and just reflect on them.

1. He has demonstrated in two separate instances (that you know of) that he has the ability to prioritize his impulses over your health, financial security, marriage, kids, stability, etc. The cheating isn't actually the problem, but rather a symptom of a much larger problem: a character deficit. While you may accept that this is a one-off, it is important for you to understand this is who he is.

2. Even with giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he didn't rape her, what he did was profoundly reckless. Sexual harassment training is given to employees and especially managers. A relationship between a subordinate and a manager (or a higher position) is an uneven power dynamic. He has impacted his ability to gain employment in the future. He has now demonstrated a capacity for extremely reckless choices.

3. He is using this "false" accusation to position himself as the victim. This allows him to get sympathy from you and to be honest, it is entirely his fault he is in this position. It would be really hard to falsely accuse him of rape if had just kept his interactions appropriate and above-board.

4. As you are aware, you are not the only innocent party who is going to have long-lasting impacts from his recklessness. You probably feel terrified of seeing an attorney, but you need to frame it to yourself that you are taking steps to protect your children, because that is what good mothers do.

5. You do not owe your WH ANYTHING. I know you took your vows very seriously and it feels counterintuitive, but you need to put yourself first because YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. You need to start planning and preparing for a future without your husband NOW. I am not saying that is what is going to happen.

You need to understand that this has nothing to do with you. This is about the character deficit within your husband. The most beautiful, smartest and wealthiest among us have been betrayed. Beyonce, Halle Berry, Melinda Gates, SHAKIRA! Your husband was going to be a cheating cheater who cheats no matter who he ended up with. Fixing whatever it is inside him that gives him permission to do this is really really freaking hard and most cannot do it.

You will go through the stages of grief. I am sure you are cycling through, shock and bargaining right now. Just wait until that anger hits, whooo boy. Keep posting. Even when we are telling you what you don't want to hear. We have walked this road and we understand it soooooooo well. We are here for you, we are rooting for you and we are always ready to listen. You do not deserve this shit sandwich that you have been served up, but you don't have to eat the whole thing.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 10:22 PM, Friday, May 19th]

I agree with everything tushnurse said.

You absolutely need an attorney. Not his attorney. YOUR attorney.

IF he gets convicted (and,again,I doubt that will happen) he will be a registered sex offender. You need to find out how that will affect you,if you allow him to remain or return, to your house, with your children.

As usual, brilliant post from Bigger.

My suspicion is that OW might have lied to her husband about what really happened that night. She might have said something in the line that she was a victim and your husband was a predator who abused his power (true) and her vulnerability (false). Lots of men believe that male Aps are predators and their wives are innocent victims. To win over her husband, she made these allegations cementing this false belief of her husband. That is why she went to HR, instead of Police. She knows she can't prove rape or sexual assault. There are so many loopholes in her story to fill. That fact that she was friendly to you and your husband after that night will paint different truth than the one she is painting now. All she can prove is 'abuse of power' and 'sexual coercion' (companies definition)

I also agree that there is more to the affair story than what your husband is telling you now. I for one don't believe that there was no flirting, foreplay etc before that ONS. Heck, I don't even believe this was ONS. Don't let your fear cloud your focus and vision.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 10:33 PM, Friday, May 19th]

Definitely get your own lawyer, and your own therapist. This will help you wrap your mind around what you might be facing. Of course you are terrified. But you are not the one lying and cheating. So look towards how you can protect yourself and your children. This is such horrible stuff to endure, but you will prevail. XXX

He has — I believe truthfully which I know sounds naive — told me the series of events as is. They were on a work trip at the same location, had drinks with colleagues after the work event, and then she said she wanted to show him some photos on her laptop from a hobby they been discussing and they went to her room.

This is the part which really jumps out at me. She invited him to her HOTEL ROOM to innocently look at some pictures? Was he born yesterday? If some half-drunk coworker invited you back to his room with the "let me show you my etchings" line, wouldn't you think to yourself, "gee, he's inviting me for sex"?

I think it's good advice for you to see your own lawyer. I'd be asking about getting assets put in my name before any lawsuits could be filed. Also, a good post-nup can be a comforting thing even if your inclination is to reconcile.

His story sounds a bit fishy. You might consider whether a polygraph test might clear things up. Never say never, but it's possible that there's more going on than what he's admitted to.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:53 PM, Friday, May 19th]

I know this is as painful as all get out, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it.

I agree with Bigger, and I think it's correct for supervisors and managers to be held more responsible than subordinates they have sex with. I also agree with CT - the story looks fishy to me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:07 AM, Saturday, May 20th]

You don't know that the allegation is false. Even if he did not physically force her, she may have felt like she had no choice as a subordinate.

Even if the allegation is proven false, he is a serial cheater with extremely poor judgment.

Echoing others, he is a liability to you and your children. You owe him no loyalty as he showed you none. Get your own attorney and get rid of him ASAP before you drown from his sinking ship.

Ahhh…. Work subordinate… THAT is the key-issue IMHO.

Bingo. Is he her boss or just her senior?

I'm so sorry Fold. The potentially criminal/job loss aspect of this is an awful thing to be contending with on top of the trauma and devastation of being betrayed. I'm so angry for you that right now, due to the extenuating circumstances, your pain is not the most pressing issue.

Are there police involved or is this just a concern of yours because of the "non-consensual" aspect of the whole thing. I understand that your husband has a lawyer involved, but is it an employment law lawyer (or union lawyer if he is a member of a union) or a criminal lawyer? In my mind, a workplace investigation and criminal investigation are different things. Obviously the latter is of greater concern than the former.

Are you aware of the specifics of what the coworker is alleging? Is she suggesting that he forced himself on her, that she was too drunk to consent, or simply that he she felt like she could not say no because he was her boss. Again, depending on what is being alleged, your husband either faces a little or a lot of risk in terms of the criminal aspect of it. Do you

I understand your inclination to stand by your husband. Right now it probably feels like its you guys against the world. I urge you to be cautious about taking his word at face value right now. More than ever, he has reason right now NOT to not be truthful - particuarly if the truth could put his liberty at risk. I also wonder, if your husband is being entirely truthful, how the entire thing came to light. If it was a consensual but regrettable mistake, as he suggests, it seems strange for her to bring it to the attention of their superiors without some reason for doing so. Normally we would see this if the OW was scorned or felt wronged somehow (if that was the case, your husband's story isn't complete). It seems more likely that the spouse discovered something. If something was discovered by the OBS, there was more going on than your spouse is letting on. Something like hidden communications of some kind. I suppose it is also possible that guilt ate away at her, and she confessed to her husband and he took it and ran with it. It certainly would not be the first time that a BH got it in his head that his wife was taken advantage of. Unfortunately, in this instance, it is possible that perhaps this *is* the case. What your husband may have believed was a consensual relationship may have been viewed entirely differently from someone who sees your boss as an authority figure.

Regardless of the criminal aspect of the entire thing, if sexual relationships between coworkers was a fireable offence at their job and your husband admits to a sexual relationship, I think you should expect him to lose his job at the end of the investigation. You need to seriously consider what this will look like for you and your family logistically. You mention you have small children.

Again, I'm just so sorry Fold. Feel free to keep posting. You may not have a lot of people to open up to about all of this in real life but there are plenty of us here.

Thanks all for input. As hard as most of this is to hear, I know a lot of it is true and I appreciate the support.

I was trying to characterize the situation without providing too much detail, but, I understand there are some confusing areas around the investigation, and what is being looked at so I’ll disclose that this is between two military members, both married with children. He has been placed on administrative leave, the accuser has been moved to a different temporary assignment. The military investigation unit is conducting the investigation. Charges have not been brought, and the situation is being investigated to see whether there are merits for a charge to be brought for assault. At the least, a charge would be brought that both parties engaged in an inappropriate relationship; typically both would be penalized and asked to retire/separate or be moved to a different non-promotion track. If the investigators determine they need to do further investigation into whether an assault occurred (which we presume they will), then both sides will give their depositions. Then it will be determined if it goes to court or not. By claiming victim status the accuser is completely safe from fallout for engaging in an inappropriate relationship. I’m guessing she fessed up to her husband that they had sex and he pushed her to claim it was assault to protect herself and her job and/or save their marriage / make it right to him, whatever.

I know I sound very defensive of him but I truly believe he did not assault her. The messages and emails before and after and her friendliness and coming over multiple times when we saw them out does not align with somebody who felt coerced to engage in sex. But she has 99% of the power here claiming victim status and it is what it is. He absolutely wants to take lie detector tests but they aren’t admissible and he knows that. He may anyway to prove it to me which I think will be a good exercise for him to through.

I have been working today researching a divorce attorney to consult (meeting should be in next week or two). I have also researched how to structure a post-nuptial agreement. I outlined what assets we would potentially divide and he has agreed to sign a post nup and to the terms I stipulated. We will try to work with a family lawyer to finalize in the next several weeks. It’s at this point neither a starting point to divorce or a threat to be forced to stay married; rather it’s a means for me to protect myself since I am financially dependent on him at the moment. I work PT and don’t earn much, but before I stopped work to support his career and be a SAHM I out earned him. I will definitely be pursuing pathways to better career opps for myself but for now FT work is not feasible with very young children and the options/costs for childcare.

I really do appreciate the support all of your kind Anonymous people are giving me. Unfortunately, it is a very complex situation to be in, and we also have a lot of scrutiny because of how public this could be. Like I mentioned, people already know something is going on, just not what. Many have reached out with support and that feels great other than feeling pitied in some ways, but others who definitely know something is going on and have not reached out, and for some of those who I have counted as good friends, I’ll be honest, it hurts. We are both very aware We will likely lose friends who simply don’t want to associate with this type of situation.

I am really grappling with how my entire world has been imploded, and I am in the process of losing so much. Potentially my marriage, definitely a chunk of our savings, our reputation, community, friends, future job prospects for him. It’s crippling. How I wish instead of this he had done something else that was wrong… Gambled all of our money away, had a DUI .. but potentially more recoverable from. In the end, the saddest part of this is that this could forever change the lives of my children, and myself, to say nothing I’ve look at happened to him. I did absolutely nothing wrong, and I am feeling every single repercussion and all parts of my life in our life together. It is truly truly devastating.

If the subordinate confessed to her husband on her own volition, then I’m inclined to believe that the sex wasn’t consensual. If the experience hadn’t distressed her, she would’ve taken it to the grave— just as your husband intended to do.

Another possibility is that this wasn’t a one-time incident at all but a full-blown affair that was exposed, either by the husband or someone else in the office. In that case, it makes sense why she would cover her ass… and your husband is giving the bare minimum amount of information that he thinks he can get away with it.

As for this detail…

"My DH is going to kill you if he finds out."

…your husband might be portraying that as playful banter, but it might’ve been her way of trying to turn your husband down or dissuade him from going further.

I used a line like this when I was at a business conference and a potential client was flirting with me. He invited me for a drink back in his suite and I said "My fiancé would not appreciate that." I would’ve been more forceful if he persisted, but fortunately I didn’t have to… and this man was not my boss and had no authority over me.

As others have said, you really need to get your own lawyer who will give you guidance on how to protect yourself and your children. Even if he manages to escape civil suits or criminal charges, he is going to have a black mark on his employment record and might be unemployable for the foreseeable future, especially if he’s in a small or highly specialized industry.

At the very least, you now know that your husband learned absolutely nothing from your first Dday and that all the "work" he supposedly did was for naught. If he thinks he could get away with it— be it a final fling with an ex or a one-night stand while away on business— he will go for it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:58 AM, Saturday, May 20th]

Edit/add: I just realized that we cross-posted and I missed some of the new details about your situation (such as that they are in the military). In any case, I’m glad that you’re seeing a lawyer and getting your ducks in a row.