SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all and a little late but Merry Christmas. A little back story in January caught my wife having an affair physical/emotional. I confronted her and him as well as obs. She love bombed me for about a month but did no work and was never safe for reconciliation. Well a couple of months ago I got suspicious and checked her phone appeared to be messaging him again but no definitive answers. I moved out and she filed for divorce that I really don’t want. Now I have proof she is talking to him again. Now divorce will be final in 45 days so I will no longer be being cheated on then. My question is what is more likely to get to a place she is safe for r. Telling obs with evidence or telling my wife I have evidence and have a good life after divorce and walk away. I am pretty sure obs fell for their lies after I outed them the first time. I suspect her ap is offering to help her financially as she couldn’t afford the type of life she lives alone. Thanks for your input.

Are you saying you still want to R even after your W divorces you?

Gently,

D - don’t
E - even
T - think
A - about
C - changing
H – her.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

have a good life after divorce and walk away

Unfortunately, she's showing you that she doesn't want to work on being a safe partner and wants to continue to see AP. She'd rather manipulate you by love bombing than remain faithful.

You can't change her and she needs to be 100% committed to the M (marriage) for R (reconciliation) to have a chance. It's a lot of work, and many unfaithful spouses don't have it in them to make the change. There are some, so there's always a chance.

Sorry you're here, and please keep posting.

Of course you should tell the other spouse.

If she was divorcing him and she found out he was still talking with your wife wouldn’t you want her to tell you?

It’s the right thing to do.

I’m so sorry.

Move on. You will always sleep with one eye open.

She is just not strong enough to accept the consequences of her actions.

Take care of yourself.

Tell the OBS and continue on to the divorce. She’s not a safe partner, and doesn’t appear to want to R if she’s still in an active affair. Move on with your life. Once you D, she’s no longer your problem. However DEFINITELY update OBS on your recent findings and let her do what she wants with the information. But don’t inform your WW that you are going to share info with OBS. Don’t share anything with WW; divorce and move on with your life. That’s all you can really do at this point. Good luck to you.

Ugh, I’m sorry to hear this. I went through something similar where I knew who she was having the affair with. and his wife. They were our next door neighbors. When I found out, I immediately told his wife and she responded that I was crazy, that her husband would never cheat on her, and then blocked me on all social media. So you definitely need the proof so that there isn’t any doubt. But yes, they need to know the kind of person they’re with.

Welcome to SI,

Keep the D going and forget about R, you have nothing to work with, she is unremorseful and still chasing the AP.

You need to inform the OBS so that she can make her own informed decision.

Well update on how today went. I told wife that I knew for sure and she continued the lie and told her I wasn’t there to argue just that I was done. Not to contact me unless it was about children or business items. Decided against telling the obs the proof I have which is conclusive may have been obtained in a way which would not be beneficial for me to reveal. I guess it is just end of 24 year marriage that was great up until this. I feel I did the right thing by telling obs once it should be her responsibility to keep track of her husband after that. I think I only wanted to tell her again to hurt stbx wife and her ap.

Tell the other betrayed spouse. She deserves to know.

Very sorry your M is ending in this fashion. Moving forward do tell the OBS of the ongoing A. Regardless of your motivation for exposing, the OBS deserves to know the truth. Good luck.

StartingOver

A bit late to your show…
You don’t use this as a threat to make your wife comply, nor do you base a future good life on her misery.

By letting the divorce process carry on to these final stages and by still being in contact with her AP your wife has already told you with her actions what her preference is. You do NOT want her back on the basis that she feels forced or obliged to be with you. That’s what you will get NOW if she is dumped by OM.

What’s romantic about "Starting – The Love of My Life and the one that really get’s me rocking has dumped me and I realize I can’t afford the Lexus and the gym-card without your money. I’m willing to accept a compromised life remaining with you."
What might work is "As dirorce approaches I realize what I am losing and don’t want to lose it all. I am willing to try to make things up to you and to do so I will (add a list of things required) if you are willing to postpone the final signing for a month while we see how things are going."
She’s not offering you that is she?

I say you let OMW know. But with one important caveat.
Is the divorce finalized per se? Like – if OM were to tell your wife to leave him alone and if you are correct that he’s going to financial support her… - would rocking that boat maybe make your wife demand more? If she did – would that be realistic or would that postpone the final date?

I would consider waiting those final +40 days, but I would DEFINITELY let OMW know.

You don’t have to show her evidence or let her hear an illegal recording or the results of DNA from an old napkin. All you need to do is call her and say:
I have finalized the divorce from my wife, so now she has no constraints on her contact with your husband. I KNOW for a FACT that they are still having a sexual affair, and fear that if you are not willing to acknowledge that then you will wake up divorced. I’m telling you this so you can take actions to safeguard your future. It’s your call if you believe me or not."

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a spouse who wants to keep choosing infidelity.

I get the desire to reconcile and not just walk away from a 24 year marriage. I understand the desire you have for your spouse to want to do the work to become reconciliation material.

It took me until about the year mark to start separating what IS from what I wished was.

I think you may be wrestling with loving and wanting who you thought your wife was versus who she has shown herself to really be.

It is very hard to come to grips with the idea that either our spouse has changed and has now actually become a person who is so self-centered and lacking in empathy that they keep choosing their own destructive desires over a healthy long-term relationship.

...or maybe this is who they always were and we just didn't see it until now.

Either way, they aren't what we need in a committed relationship, and it's so very heart breaking.

This was great introspection:

I think I only wanted to tell her again to hurt stbx wife and her ap.

You mention that it might harm you to reveal how you got the proof that the affair is still ongoing. So, while in an ideal world it would be great to tell the obs (yet again), you should not do it at the expense of yourself. She knows they had an affair and has chosen her path now. No need to do yourself more harm. I content myself with the knowledge that karma usually comes in its own time. Miserable people who act in destructive ways (the OM) are not actually living happy lives, and obs who choose to believe the gaslighting of their cheating spouses are, unfortunately, living in their own personal hell already.

In my case, I was the one who discovered the A and confronted WH. I knew for a fact that several months later, the OW had not yet told OBS. So, I decided to inform him myself. I found him on a social media app and sent him a private message. I tried to be factual without seeming vindictive. I said I wasn't trying to hurt him, just wanted to give him information I thought he deserved to know. I added that I could empathize with him as a fellow betrayed spouse and left my email address in case he wanted to discuss it further. I did not have an account on this app, so I created one in order to message him. I started getting messages and requests to connect from other users, so I closed the account since I wasn't interested in maintaining a profile. Apparently, by the time OBS read my message and tried to reply, my account was closed and his message bounced back (no idea why he didn't try the email address I'd given him). Because the account was closed, he theorized that it was some crazy person trying to scam him (I heard he was a natually suspicious person and very protective of his online presence). So, he let it go for a few months.

For some reason, he finally decided to confront OW about 6 months after D-day and asked her if what I'd said was true. She admitted to him that yes, she'd had an affair and that they were still in contact. Yes, WH and OW were still talking (unbeknownst to me). That's how I know all these details, because OW told WH what happened. Furthermore, OW told OBS that she planned to continue talking to WH and that OBS should be OK with it because she was now being honest! Then she insisted that WH tell me so that "I could have my agency." That's right! The woman who kept agency from OBS all through the affair was suddently a big proponent of honesty, integrity and agency for all! She really wanted WH to tell me so I would toss his butt out of my house and she could have him all to herself! For a variety of reasons, I'm not quite ready to do that. We're both in IC. We're working on it. But, I am a big advocate for telling OBS about the A. They deserve to know.

Please, please inform the other BS. She deserves to know she is living a lie.

If the situation was reversed, you'd want to know the truth as well.

Call it accountability, steering the karma bus or revenge but I would want the posom to get his reward. Yes, the obs should know for her own welfare but I have to admit I want consequences for the guy that contributed to screwing up my marriage.

Now if you got the proof in a manner that revealing it could hurt your D negotiations or timeline, I don't see an issue waiting for a few months before you tell the OBS again.

My take is that you already did due diligence by informing the OBS about the A. At this point it only keeps the drama in your life to keep updating her. This is a situation where the continuance of the A is no longer your circus nor your monkeys. KWIM.
She was informed and made the choice to rugsweep.

I'm also late to the party, but wanted to add that you can't make your wife "safe for R." She is completely unrepentant, continued cheating on you, and has filed for divorce. Your focus should be moving on with your life.

It seems that you're hoping that if you tell the OBS, the AP will dump your WW and come back to you. The problem is that you already tried that tactic and it didn't work. But even if your WW did come running back to you with her tail between her legs, you would know that it's only because things didn't pan out with OM, her Plan A, and that you are merely a soft place to land. That is not the basis for a successful reconciliation.

However, OBS should be told, especially since you have good reason to believe that she is a victim of financial infidelity as well as sexual/romantic infidelity. But as others have said, you should wait until your divorce is finalized before confronting OBS; if your WW is confident that OM will support her and eager to start her happily ever after with him, you're more likely to get a favorable settlement than if she's worried about being left out in the cold.

HI StartingOver2024, just wanted to say I'm sorry about your ordeal. It's just not fair.

My advice is to just move on, the longer you stay engaged with this group, the worse it will be. Read the 180 and don't talk to her again, for a long long time. You need some peace of mind and perspective.

Take care of yourself. She is a liar and you don't need that. You've already told the OBS, it's time to exit this ordeal.