SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My SAWH relapsed with his porn addiction , which I discovered about 6 weeks ago..it had been going on for at least 6 months and several thousands of dollars wasted on this addiction.
I had my first DDay in 2017 when I learned of his affair, which was born from the porn addiction. Of course it was devastating to me and we spent a few years , and a few therapists working on both our marriage as well as IC for both of us. I really thought we turned a corner , oddly during COVID. We got closer , worked hard, etc...

I have been really struggling. I love him , but the trust is gone. He is with a new therapist , but my faith is very low for any meaningful change. We argued last week about the porn use , which he minimized ( not as bad as an actual affair , according to him )

I am also so angry at him. I just turned 62 and sure as hell don't want to be dealing with this at my age.

The meeting with the lawyer went ok, I suppose. We have a business together which we have been discussing selling. He pretty much admitted that he doesn't want to sell , it's just me pressuring him.

Well, one way or another , it will likely have to be sold if I decide to move forward with divorce. He will not have the financial ability/ means to buy me out.
It's all so complicated and messy and I am really feeling overwhelmed right now

My SAWH relapsed with his porn addiction

Was that a dealbreaker in the boundaries you set up?

We argued last week about the porn use , which he minimized

Ugh, doesn't sound like a good foundation for R.

He pretty much admitted that he doesn't want to sell , it's just me pressuring him.

Deflecting. He should have thought about that before he did what he did. It is not 'you pressuring him', it is his own actions. Don't take that weight on your shoulders.

I am really feeling overwhelmed right now

It is very overwhelming. You just do one thing at a time versus looking at the entire pile of stuff.

How did your meeting with the attorney go? I found that step to be very helpful because I could fully understand what to expect and plan accordingly.

Did you lawyer say anything about you being able recover all the money he has spend on his addiction, etc.

Sorry this process is so overwhelming, but I want to give you some supporting perspective you are moving away from Infidelity by moving towards Divorce, specifically with regard to his addiction. I can attest that no awful consequences ever seem to stop them from being drawn to their addiction, over and over again. Sometimes after years and years in between, where they swear they are a different person and have you believing it. You are much safer emotionally doing whatever you have to do to remove yourself legally from this guy and his destructive choices.

In my life, after suffering D-Day 2 10 years ago - which came unexpectedly 12 years after my first gut-wrenching Discovery - I did go see a divorce lawyer but then got cold feet and stopped short of filing for D. Instead, I thought I was giving him yet another chance to get his head out of his nether regions. Because of course he was sorry and didn't want a Divorce and needed to use the barn on this place for his business, so I took pity on him and offered to do a property swap Post Nup instead of D, giving myself more time in Limbo. Among other terms and conditions of the Post Nup, I deeded him my former house in exchange for him deeding me within 30 days the place where we live now and surrendering his spousal rights to this place. I thought I was being so bold to do that at least, yet I hesitated to finalize the D, partly because I didn't want to be like my Mother or Sisters-In-Law, who dumped their addict husbands (alcoholics and SAs).

Fast-forward 6 years after that: we finally finished fixing up "his" house, he got it sold, and the closing was scheduled 3 days from what became my next D-Day! I walked in on him in my guest bedroom with a burner phone, laying there scrolling for whores again! As that had been my strict and often-stated boundary for him to continue living here after his multiple betrayals, out the door he had to go, that very night; to the camper, or to a motel, I didn't care! Instead of using the huge proceeds from his house sale to buy another house of his own outright, so he could live and do as he pleased with his sex addiction, he chose to hang out for 6 months in a camper outside my house, before I caved and allowed him back into a spare bedroom when it was 6 degrees F outside and he had no bathroom. Took pity on the man, again. He just didn't want to face his consequences, and I see in retrospect how I just enabled that outcome.

Two days ago marked 4 years since that betrayal happened and life isn't much different. Still doing IHS, as I can never be sure when or where his next betrayal will come from. He still won't LEAVE, though I could have him legally evicted if it came to that. I look back and see that all I ever managed by my "self-protective" decisions was to hang on to the appearance of staying together. Actually, I just made it easier for him to accept the negative consequences of his addiction when I chose not to follow through and finalize the D which I should have done!

Hope dies hard, I know, but I'm as alone today as I have been for the last 22 years. Don't let this happen to you! If I could give a bit of advice, it would be "full steam ahead, get yourself legally completely away from this person, or be prepared for a lifetime of Surprises..."

This sucks, but so does living with a lying cheater. I am happy you are taking steps to protect your heart and your future.
I think false R makes me the saddest. No one is owed a second chance and then they just blow it. So stupid.

Keep taking care of you. You deserve better.

One of the worst things to do when negotiating is being clear on what you want.
Like... if he wants the company so much that might put you in a better position to get more of some other marital issues.
Contrary to common belief assets are not individually divided in two. It’s not like you get a chainsaw and you get the FO half and he get’s the RD half of the truck. It’s more like the total value of all assets minus the total value of all debt is tallied, and you both get items (or cash) to about half that amount.

So... if he wants the business so bad then maybe he signs off for all of the marital home, forfeits any right to alimony or your pension (or whatever), hands over the savings or whatever. You might have a better and quicker time selling a house and downsizing to a more manageable condo (or whatever) than waiting for the sale of the company with a reluctant co-owner.

Be careful about one thing that even attorneys sometimes miss: Make 100% certain that your name is removed from ALL debt that he assumes, and also that his name is removed from any you assume.