SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Man, where do i start? I am sooooooo struggling. I think I’m a great guy. prior Navy fighter pilot, now airline pilot. Funny. Good looking. Smart.

But my wife has had a "high school" crush on another guy. for a while. thinking about him etc. she made rules for herself 3 months ago about not texting him, etc. but then he texted her recently. and he admitted that he liked her. of course she responded in kind. and they texted a bunch. then they sexted. but then she says she felt terrible and ended it. didn’t like where things were heading. she was somewhat honest and told me some of the details after me, and the kids, both confronted her separately about having an affair that she’s been acting strange and distant for a while. she says she choses us but won’t tell me but a few details of the interaction. she won’t tell me who, and he's local. and she deleted all the texts. and she says she blocked him, allegedly. our trust is pretty broken. we’ve been together for 25 years. it. is. killing. me!! what do i do?!

WHY won’t she be honest and tell me everything?! Especially when i explicitly ask for it. why the ongoing secrets if she "choses us"?!

What else is she hiding from me?! I feel like i can’t move forward and try to heal with the things hanging over my head.

i need help. we’re going to see some marriage counseling. and talking to a friend that dealt with a similar issue.

Any advice would be awesome!

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, along with some that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of useful information, including the list of acronyms we use.

You may want to wait for MC (marriage counseling) right now. Your M didn't cheat - your WW (wayward wife) did. Start with Individual Counseling (IC) for each of you. If you can see a betrayal trauma specialist, you may find it helpful. After you have had some time to heal from the trauma, then MC may benefit your relationship. Many MC's fall into the unmet needs fallacy, and have a tendency to place some of the blame on you. The decision to cheat was 100% on her and she needs IC to figure out her whys and to become a safe partner. Right now, she's still lying to you.

If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, see your doctor for some meds. While there, you may want to be tested for STDs/STIs because it sounds like they probably did have physical sex. (And she's lying about it.)

Practice lots of self-care because betrayal is brutal.

Your WW needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and has a nice blueprint she can use. The next one is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Sorry you find yourself here. Regardless of the length of the marriage, betrayal is always brutal. That said, 25 years is long time.

As to this:

she says she choses us but won’t tell me but a few details of the interaction. she won’t tell me who, and he's local. and she deleted all the texts. and she says she blocked him, allegedly. our trust is pretty broken. we’ve been together for 25 years. it. is. killing. me!! what do i do?!

WHY won’t she be honest and tell me everything?! Especially when i explicitly ask for it. why the ongoing secrets if she "choses us"?!

What else is she hiding from me?! I feel like i can’t move forward and try to heal with the things hanging over my head.

I say to you that I believe it is completely unacceptable and encourage you to take that tact. To betray you on whatever level and then leave you twisting in the wind with secrets is not only unacceptable its despicable.

So, what to do? Well, you can hire a PI to dig if you have the means. This approach can bear fruit. If you do this, reveal absolutely nothing. If not, you have to decide how much you can endure. Do not beg her for information. I dont think marriage counseling is where you should start as to therapy. It will muddy the waters. Your ww needs to get herself into individual therapy to figure out why she would break faith with you and destroy your trust. There is a large integrity issue with her that she needs to address.

In the meantime, look up the 180 on this site and consider enacting it as a protective measure. Take it from someone who acted out of weakness, not strength that weakness will only prolong your suffering. Communicate to her one time that she must be forthcoming about everything or your marriage is over. You need answers.

BTW, texts and emails can be recovered using recovery software. A good PI can assist you with this as well.

Be strong and good luck.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 9:42 PM, Tuesday, November 5th]

@jactntan This is an unacceptable situation. She thinks she can leave you in the dark on what she did and with who. There’s no way you can forgive and move on like this. He could be anybody, perhaps a friend of yours, even if she deleted their texts, if they were sexting, this guy is undoubtedly walking around with nudes of your wife on his phone. Every time you talk to the guy she makes a sucker of you again. In my opinion, she has to reveal everything starting with exactly who he is so he can be extracted from your lives.

For you to be able to move on, and forgive, if that’s your wish, she needs to divulge the full truth, right away. Of course, what are the odds that it was only sexting? IMO, she isn’t worthy of reconciliation if she doesn’t give up the extent of her betrayal.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here.

Hi Jactntan,

Fellow Navy pilot here. Married 26 years now. 25 years in the Navy and flew in every conflict this century. My first panic attack ever was two years ago while driving home trying to figure out who my wife was having an affair with.

Never found concrete proof and wife denies it. It is still eating at me. I know something happened, but cannot figure it out.

Do NOT let your wife off the hook. You'll never be able to move past it if everything is not brought into the light.

Someone said it best with, "Affairs thrive in darkness".

You're luckier than me in that she admitted to inappropriate behavior already. So your wife cannot deny it. Demand full exposure and be willing to walk if you do not get it.

WHY won’t she be honest and tell me everything?! Especially when i explicitly ask for it. why the ongoing secrets if she "choses us"?!

What else is she hiding from me?! I feel like i can’t move forward and try to heal with the things hanging over my head.

She's not choosing you and your family by withholding her secrets about the affair. She's the equivalent of a dry drunk. She's done nothing to fix her addiction to her AP. The addiction that was more important then remaining faithful to her family's stability. She's just white knuckling it again. Like she did three months ago, which failed miserably. She's already lied several times to you and the kids. I wouldn't assume anything she is saying is truthful. She was far enough down the road that your kids noticed.

The unknown is going to be toxic to you and your family. You're going to see him in any man, or woman for that matter, that has or has had interactions with her. Your WW was in deep. Head over heals infatuated with someone else. With someone she interacted with more frequently than you during her "fling". If he's local you should just assume they've done the deed at least once. Probably multiple times. If that's a deal breaker for you, eject now and save everyone the further trauma this will cause. She is continuing to place protecting herself and her AP above the bare minimum that you need to move forward with forgiveness. That's only going to acerbate the damage.

So much I want to say, but I won't at this time.

So sorry you find yourself here. Your life has been turned upside down through no fault of your own. You are hurt and frustrated... especially with her "stonewalling"

she won’t tell me who, and he's local. and she deleted all the texts

She is doing absolutely nothing to help her case.

why the ongoing secrets if she "choses us"?!

I would think that she "chose us" since you two have been together for 25 years. She did not even have the decency to tell you that you had been in a competition for her affection.

At this point in time, please stay away from marriage counseling. Most marriage counselors will do their best to keep you two together, whether or not it is healthy for you two to be together. If a counselor can keep you together then that would be a success story they could tell potential clients. After she has gone through individual counseling with a counselor who is experienced in treating infidelity and has uncovered and worked on a lot of her issues, then maybe marriage counseling might be a good idea. But that is far down the road... especially when she is still keeping secrets from you.

if they were sexting, this guy is undoubtedly walking around with nudes of your wife on his phone. Every time you talk to the guy she makes a sucker of you again. In my opinion, she has to reveal everything starting with exactly who he is so he can be extracted from your lives.

That is hard to read, but true.

Again, I am sorry you find yourself here. Please make good use of the Healing Library here. A lot of good information for you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 9:44 PM, Tuesday, November 5th]

I'm sorry she is doing this. She "chooses you" but is keeping her AP secret. He is the priority, she is protecting him.
She is sitting on the fence with this, and needs to be forced off of it. You need to 180 her take control of this. I would suggest putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car or your house, especially if you travel a lot. When an AP is local is very likely more than sexting,

She's not choosing you, she's choosing to cover her own ass.

I'd ask for her phone account if you don't have access to it, and get the number from there. If she has blocked his number instead of deleting it altogether, that's keeping an avenue open for future contact. I just checked my iphone in settings, the phone tab and it lists blocked contacts.

If you keep getting told 'no' when you ask for information or a phone bill, then she's not being honest at all.

You could drop an ultimatum. Tell her that unless she comes clean with all of the information you are asking for you have little reason to stay in the marriage. The fact that he is local and she won't tell you who he is would be a deal-breaker in my book

AFAIK my wife was only sexting with the cop that works at the school. When I found out I told her to send him a text saying there shall be no further contact or else his wife was going to get copies of the text messages and he needed to reply via text that he understood and he did. The rough part for me for a while was the fact that even though there was allegedly no contact they were still working within the same building but my wife's job provides the medical insurance for the family and our youngest will be going to that High School next year so I had to suck it up and do what was best for my family and not tell my wife to find a new job

I still think there are details I do not know and they do chew at the back of my mind hence the reason I asked my wife if she would take a polygraph test. She said yes but she's afraid a false positive will destroy our marriage because I will believe the test over her

Walking around thinking you don't know everything could wreak havoc on your well- being and right now that's what you need to focus on. If your wife was 100% committed to saving the marriage she would answer any question honestly

This place is phenomenal for support

WHY won’t she be honest and tell me everything?! Especially when i explicitly ask for it. why the ongoing secrets if she "choses us"?!

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. This here indicates that your WW is still in her A, and she did not choose you and your kids. She is still choosing her AP, as she is harbouring all those lovely memories she had with him.

What else is she hiding from me?! I feel like i can’t move forward and try to heal with the things hanging over my head.

Bluntly, you can move forward, just without your WW. You will be able to heal, but it will take time. It could be a shorter healing time if your WW truly 'chooses' you and does all she can (and more) to gain your trust and respect back, or you gain back control of your self and move forward. If your WW wants to still be part of your family, she will have to put in the effort.

i need help. we’re going to see some marriage counseling. and talking to a friend that dealt with a similar issue.

What is the purpose of seeing a MC? If it is to sort out a dissolution of your M, then go ahead. If it is to try and Reconcile, then save your money to go see an IC first. It is also imperative that your WW go see an IC for herself first. Two broken parts will not fit together until each part is fixed first.

The purpose of your IC is to get your self-confidence back, and centre yourself. You have been thrown into roiling seas, and you don't know which way is up. Your IC (if they are good) will be able to help you get your bearings.

The purpose of your WWs IC is to get to the bottom of why she is behaving the way she is, how did she allow herself to get into that position, and why is she still acting this way (Hiding things from your).

Without remorse, any attempt at R will end in failure, and your WW does not seem to exhibit any indication of remorse from what you have posted.

No one has a manual on how to navigate infidelity. Your W may not understand that honesty and truth are crucial to choosing you. I expect that she's ashamed of herself, and not coming clean helps mitigate her shame.

The problem is: coming clean is just the first step in the WS's healing. R works best - and may work only - if the WS changes from cheater to good partner. That requires a lot of digging for your WS and probably therapy, too. Many WSes won't do that work. She may have to figure out why she responded to her HS crush. She does have to figure out how not to respond in the future. (Some people can replace dysfunction with good function without figuring out why they malfunctioned.)

Your thoughts and feelings are pretty normal for a BS. Being betrayed is a trauma. For most, the first response is shock, and that's a condition that's not conducive to clear thinking.

Focus on yourself. What do you really want, besides getting off the roller coaster of shock and healing? Sure, 25 years is a big deal, but what about the next 25 years? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your W?

If you do, what are your requirements for R? Your best approach is to decide what behaviors will show you your W is a good candidate for R. But R is a cooperative endeavor - your W may have requirements, too. A successful R requires building an M that serves you both. If your mutual requirements aren't compatible, you can shake hands and split (close to) amicably.

I think it's very healthy to realize your W is not doing the work necessary to rebuild your M. But, you can't control her; she has to choose to do the work. What if she never does it?

If your W doesn't come clean, are you ready to D? You have to make your own decisions to act, but I strongly recommend not laying down an ultimatum until you're ready to impose the consequence if your W doesn't comply.

If you're not ready for an ultimatum, so be it. Act in your own best interests. Sure, you have to respond to what your W does, but do so always with your goal in mind. When you have to choose an action, choose the action you think will get you closer to your goal.

At this point in your recovery, I urge you to put aside the question of D & R; instead focus on your own healing. Process the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. That will clear your head so that you can perceive reality accurately and make the optimal decisions.

No matter what, the BS heals the BS; the WS heals the WS; if you both want to, together you build a new M. That means you can heal even if your W doesn't. And it means you can heal even if you D.

Have faith in yourself to heal. I know you feel awful now. Just remember that's temporary, if you do your healing work. A good IC can help.

Clear your mind and body. Perceive. Assess. Act. Monitor. Adjust as necessary. You know you're successful when you find your way to survive, first, and then to thrive.

Write out a list of every possible question about the affair. Have her write out the answers.

Have her write out a timeline as well

Then take her for a polygraph

Welcome to the club you never thought you would join. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, which does not depend at all on you.

This is a wonderful community and you will receive many precious pieces of advice. We are all individuals with their own experiences and ideas and it is important they are not all the same because we are not a sect but individuals, each one with their values and backgrounds. You can listen to different comments and make the decisions that are more suitable for you.

Some people for example are suggesting not to go to MC (marriage counselling) but your wife’s choices are having a negative effect on your marriage not only on her or on you. Therefore I don’t see how going ALSO to marriage counselling could harm your relationship.. if you need also individual therapy, it is understandable but you may need help to speak to your wife in front of a person who does not take sides and who is specialised in situations like this that you have never faced.

Once again I am very sorry you are in this situation that says a lot about her, not about you! It is a situation that is very unfair and it hurts terribly.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 10:55 PM, Wednesday, November 6th]

Hope you continue posting because frankly all the above advice is relevant and could help you in moving forward.

My contribution is this:
You can’t force your wife to do anything. She has the option and freedom to decide if she tells you who OM is or not, she can decide that she – in her benevolence – has decided to sacrifice her personal happiness for you and the family or whatever fantasy she has stuck her head into. She can – and you can’t force her to do anything else.

However, you too have the option of choice. Nothing other than YOU is forcing you to accept being the consolidation prize; to be placed third in line to your wife’s heart (I’m sacrificing OM for my FAMILY – and I have to accept jacntan too...).

What you can do is create the situation where you are clear on YOUR requirements to move on, and it then becomes her CHOICE if she complies or not.
To use a comparison: It’s like if you are treading water in a big lake after your boat sinks. You think your best option is to swim east to the shore, but your buddy thinks waiting for rescue makes more sense. At some point you need to decide: tread water and wait, or swim. If you truly believe your salvation is swimming, you head east. You realize that although you could encourage him to swim, pace yourself to his swimming speed and all that... then HE has to swim – or stay behind. Same with your marriage – you can wait for some limited time while you two argue your way forward but at some point YOU start heading east to salvation. With or without her.

My suggestion: Tell her very clearly that she is free to hide OM. In fact, she is totally free to date OM, chose OM, introduce him to her friends and family and whatever. Only not as your wife. You don’t share your wife. By having her affair, by hiding the extent of it and by sheltering the OM (thereby choosing him over you) then AT BEST she is offering to share herself with you and OM. Toothbrushes and wife – two things you don’t share. This is not what you want – but you feel that you have already lost what was special, and that what she is offering right now is not what you want.

Then tell her that if she wants YOU. Not the family – if this does lead to divorce both of you will establish new relationships with family – but YOU... then she has a very limited window of opportunity to let you know this verbally and clearly. Like in a direct "I want to save OUR marriage", and then follow that through with some simple but unavoidable actions.

Those actions include an open and frank discussion of how far this went, when, how long and how. This also includes the important issue of WHO this is. Until you have a confirmed name there is NO WAY you can remain married. Make it clear that this is not so you can go beat him up, but more an issue of you not having to view each and every male in your world as "him". You cant even think of having people over, going to the club, meeting friends at the park... because any of them could be "him". To recover you need to know what you are recovering from. Plus, by telling you she shows she trusts you and wants to remain with you.

It's clear the kids know of the affair, so be very open about your decision. YOU are getting out of infidelity. You would prefer it be with her, but for that to happen she needs to let you know what you are dealing with. There is no way this can remain a "marriage" while you are left feeling like second choice.

The above might sound counterintuitive, but my experience shows that often when people can get what they think they want they realize it’s not so special... When nothing is holding your wife from being with the White Knight she starts to realize his armor is rusty and he smells of horse.

Fellow naval aviator. Didn’t know so many of us were here!

You wrote

she didn’t like where things were heading

She’s already there. Treat it like that.

By the way, I found out when we were out on a boat det flying off of Vacapes for what was to be a week, but had a problem with the Hummer and emergency bingoed back to the beach two days in. Surprise!

Her words do not match her actions. 🚩🚩🚩

She’s not choosing "us" or "you". Sorry to say she’s choosing herself.

And she will continue to do so until as long as you allow it.

Read up on the 180. It is not meant to stop the affair but to protect you from having to witness it.

Don’t be so available. Don’t continue to ask her questions. Don’t beg and plead for her to talk with you.

Instead let her continue down the path. But let her know you may not be waiting for her a month or two or six from now. You may have gotten fed up and decided you don’t want to live like this any longer.

I did the hard 180 on my H. I stopped going EVERYTHING got him. No meals (unless kids were around). No laundry. No errands like picking up lunch or dry cleaning etc. No chit chat. Conversations are about kids only. And even then it was brief.

I was out of the house as much as possible. I made my own plans and quite frankly I didn’t care what he did.

You don’t have to tolerate this or wait for her to make a decision.

The definition of this site is surviving infidelity. It means looking after yourself…and any children you might have. It means accepting that you cannot control another adult’s decisions or behaviors. You did not cause anyone to cheat anymore than you taught someone to steal. SHE cheated. YOU did not. What you can control is figuring out how to manage your life.

My suggestions usually are:
See a dr(if necessary) for sleep aids and anxiety meds
See an attorney. You need to look at finances
LOOK AFTER YOUR HEALTH! Stress is a killer so you need to get rid of all those stored toxins built up by cortisol and other hormones. The body does not differentiate between lions and cheaters. It just recognizes danger. It floods the body with the "get me out of here" hormones. When you only have a few of those in your life you are doing pretty well. When your body feels extreme anxiety all the time you are basically being poisoned. You need to do whatever is necessary to calm yourself down, hence "see a dr"
Get outside. Find some exercise. Golf, walking, hiking, dancing, gardening. Find the time every day to get some sunshine on your face. Get busy.