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I think I am the person that will eventually forgive my H, more for the sake of myself than him but there are aspects that I know I will never forgive, things he did that I will not forgive him for. The act itself, probably but the damage he caused myself and the kids probably not.

Example of what I am REALLY struggling with currently.

During the course of my H affair, we had really awful neighbors, neighbors that threatened to harm my 11 year old daughter, they would throw things at our house, and were downright toxic etc. I remember calling my H one day because they were threatening my daughter, I didn't know it then but he was with HER. He tried to get out of coming home, basically told me I was overreacting while I was crying, blah, blah. He finally came home but was angry at me, sat on the opposite side of the couch and had the audacity of blaming our then 9 year old... (the mom and 17 year old daughter were the ones making the threat). Fast forward to after his A was in the open, he really started to see the things they were doing and finally called the cops several times and the neighbors moved.

We unfortunately had new neighbors that moved in to the same house that are nice but play their music so loud you can hear it on the entire street, it thumps through the walls and in our home until 11pm at night. We have asked them nicely to stop and they always say they will and they don't.

Last night we were supposed to watch football and when my H came home he was incredibly distraught about the noise, he was SO MAD that he wouldn't even eat dinner. I had to beg him to not go over there and say anything bc the PTSD came back to me about the prior neighbors and I cant deal with that. I work from home and I remember the hell we went through, while he doesn't because HE DIDN'T care. I slammed the door to the bedroom because I was so mad that music upset him, that the fact they were disrespecting him bothered him but the entire summer of 2023 we couldn't go out front because my H told us "you have a backyard just avoid them."

I finally told my H last night how I felt and that every time he complains about the current neighbors I just see red, that I can't separate it. I am so upset that he let us go through hell because he was too busy deep in his A to care about our safety. He explained to me that it brings up the same feelings for him and he feels so bad that he is trying to advocate for us now because he can't fix what he did back in 2023. It hit hard because he is right, he does care about the kids and them sleeping without all the chaos and noise but mannnn I just can't let it go. I know this summer will be worse because their windows will be open and each time he gets upset, I don't want to dwell in the past but I don't see it changing anytime soon, I literally feel sick each time he gets upset.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? How did you reframe it? I am struggling hard feeling like he didn't protect us and now he is trying to care and it's making me more mad.

Side note, I had to step away from therapy for a while for financial reasons and time restraints due to my daughters therapy and our sons needs now. -

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:58 PM, Monday, January 20th]

I understand exactly how you feel as both a betrayed spouse but also as someone who had a H who didn’t care.

And those similar circumstances are hard to forget.

The one I struggled with is minor compared to your situation. It was my H sitting in his car on his phone. I assumed it was a business call (as it was in the past).

After dday2 I realized it was the OW on the phone.

I still have slight reactions to it (even if my kids do it) but I can control it. Now my H doesn’t do it anymore. But it’s just a gut reaction I had to overcome.

In your case, you just finally found out the whole truth a few days ago. Your healing process is fairly new. It takes time to get over those feelings and reactions to situations. I never resolved the whole jazz music issue and my H knows not to ever play it if I’m around. But if I am in public it’s ok. I can deal.

It will take you some time not to deal with the neighbor instant reaction. However that does not resolve the issue of the loud music and your H’s reaction.

That’s a conversation that needs to happen in a calm rational moment. Explain you both need to let go of the past and focus on the best way to handle the current situation.

Tell him you understand he wants to do better this time around but your fears of stirring the pot and having things escalate w/ the inconsiderate neighbors are your #1 concern.

Post affair he did stand up for you. That has to be what makes you feel better about your situation. If he continued to do nothing, 🚩. But he’s not ignoring this current situation.

I hope this helps you see that some things have changed for the better and please know acceptance is one thing, but forgiveness is completely different and took me years.

I get it. My H abandoned me emotionally during my first pregnancy, and barely came to the hospital after our DD was born. She was early and tiny, and I had preeclampsia and a C-section. When he picked us up and took us home a week after she was born, my house was full of strangers who'd been there for days while he partied away his paternity leave. And they were smoking. In my house. Where I hadn't allowed smoking for months in preparation for the new baby. Something in me died that day.

Also, a couple of months before that, he turned his head to look at a gaggle of girls while we were driving by a night club. It felt like an intentional dig at me.

My second pregnancy was very different and he was supportive and in awe of my body and what it could do, but it doesn't undo the trauma of the abandonment of the first one.

Every time he says anything about how beautiful pregnant women are, I want to throat punch him. Even now, 36 years later. The last time it happened was our anniversary, as we were walking through the mall, having a great day. I told him to just STFU from now on. I don't want to hear it.

Maybe someone else has more productive advice for how to get over the hurt. Or maybe it's just part of an imperfect life that there will always be triggers. Regardless, hugs.

I D’d, so keep that in mind.

But during his A, our roof leaked and water was pouring out of the circuit breaker box in our bedroom walk-in closet. I discovered it one Friday morning before work and we both spent the morning on the roof fixing the issue. I was TERRIFIED.

Once done, he took off to visit his employer’s site 2+hour always for a "critical" meeting with his boss and a company dinner where they would be drinking. B/C he had had a DUI, whenever he drank I encouraged he stay overnight.

So he went off to be with his AP while I spend the WHOLE NIGHT during a rain storm terrified that the leak would recur and electrocute me.

I have let go of most his transgressions, but that one still gets me. I was so scared. I mean- what the actual hell.

So no help - but just letting you know that some of the thousands of things they did hurt worse than others.

This particular conundrum I really don’t resonate with, I can’t think of anything comprable in my experience. Sorry, no witty advice. But there probably will be a meme at the end of this post if that helps

Side note, I had to step away from therapy for a while for financial reasons and time restraints due to my daughters therapy and our sons needs now.

This did catch my eye. It totally makes sense, there is only so much to go around. Are there other avenues you can take to replace some of the elements of IC that you were finding helpful? A close confidant to talk to? Self help books? Buying old dishes and a baseball bat from Goodwill? For everything going on in your life, I hope that your needs still get attended to.

Not that exactly.

However, this is what is true for me so I will throw this out and perhaps it will help or it may not be true for you.

Past resentment is hard to clear because we are also mad/shameful we put up with it. Some of the issues I had in releasing the resentments I had towards my husband was 1) not yet feeling a stronger sense of self that I gained confidence in my ability to deal with boundaries issues head on so staying mad was unconcious protection and 2) forgiving myself and having compassion for myself for not doing it in those moments.

I suspect you hold these things even tighter because you have the big one now of infidelity and part of you feels that you are still not holding your ground because you are accepting it by staying married.

I don’t think you can unwind the big one for some time but you can work on your self compassion for the smaller ones. I am not saying he doesn’t deserve the anger but you see and know that part is there. Part of the healing process is uncovering the parts you don’t see at first. Understanding yourself more deeply, being compassionate with the choices you have made to overlook all of the behaviors that were there prior to the affair. The affair itself has made all of these things more malignant.

I can just picture somewhere in your operating system is "I put up with all this shit and kept giving my best, then I am rewarded for that with cheating."It is so much to move forward from. You have to heal both sides of the issue- the issues with him but also the issues with yourself. Your lizard brain is like "if you won’t put a stop to him, I will!" And is using every bit of anger to keep the danger at bay because you don’t have a track record of protecting yourself from his abuse and neglect. It’s ego stuff. Ego is not negative, it’s there for our protection and survival but it can get certain things stuck in our ruminations/emotions.

In time, I imagine some of this will dissipate - if he is consistent and truly changed the feelings of imminent danger you are protecting yourself from will ease. (Might be harder for you now that you had another trauma drop- your self protection system is in overdrive I am sure) And it will become easier to be self- compassionate with decisions you made if they worked out in the end to a higher good.

And as you feel more validated for your decision to stay in the relationship, you maybe able to trust yourself more with what would happen if the treatment resumes, you Will trust yourself more.

You have been dealt a big blow, and have been served up even more trauma with what’s happened with your son, continue to try and be patient with yourself- I am certain you are doing the best you can.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:42 PM, Tuesday, January 21st]

You are where you are, and noticing the problem is the first step in solving it. I know that may read as pollyanna-ish. If you don't move past it, you can deal with that, but right now, I think you're dealing with memories that come from strong feelings. Expressing those feelings is the way through them.

*****

No matter what, R requires giving the WS a pass on some things, but forgiveness is not necessary for R. As you say, some things are unforgivable.

Sisoon

No matter what, R requires giving the WS a pass on some things, but forgiveness is not necessary for R. As you say, some things are unforgivable.

THIS ^ You nailed it I think, I am trying to do my best to talk about my feelings with him as they come along in a healthy way.
Example today the whole house is sick, I feel awful and both the littles are sick, I started to get really mad and annoyed with him that I work from home and he went to work while I STILL had to work and take care of the kids. OBV I offered bc it was the right thing to do but I couldn't help being mad and upset. As time went on I realized I just felt like a failure, trying to do everything by myself and looking like shit when he went and had an A with a woman who always tried to make herself look the "best". I communicated that with him and it has taken away some of the anger I have towards him, I rationally know that he shouldn't call off work to help take care of the kids if I am still up working anyway, I just take my anger out where it doesn't go sometimes, so I am getting better at tapping into those feelings.

The 1st wife

Pquote]ost affair he did stand up for you. That has to be what makes you feel better about your situation. If he continued to do nothing, 🚩. But he’s not ignoring this current situation.

You are right. It has even made him want to redo the drywall and get a new porch out back, he has been putting so much focus on our family and all the things I have wanted to do the past 3 years that it is just hard to swallow right now because it makes me even more mad that he sees things clearly for the FIRST time when he should have seen it a long time ago. I know I have to be fair and give him a chance if that is what I agreed to. I think I just need to work through my feelings and bite my tongue sometimes instead of throwing every good deed in his face.... it will be hard though because I am stubborn and hurt which isn't a good combination.

In your case, you just finally found out the whole truth a few days ago. Your healing process is fairly new. It takes time to get over those feelings and reactions to situations. I never resolved the whole jazz music issue and my H knows not to ever play it if I’m around. But if I am in public it’s ok. I can deal.

I found out the whole truth in in Jan 2024 , sorry if my post was unclear but the neighbors issues are new and that is enough for all the old trauma to resurface. I know that with triggers I have to get better, it also makes me feel better that you even now have certain triggers you can't move past and don't deal with. Not saying that I am happy you are not healed there but I am glad to know it is OK to have those issues and I don't feel so alone. <3 Thank you for showing me that It's ok.

H/O

Your lizard brain is like "if you won’t put a stop to him, I will!" And is using every bit of anger to keep the danger at bay because you don’t have a track record of protecting yourself from his abuse and neglect. It’s ego stuff. Ego is not negative, it’s there for our protection and survival but it can get certain things stuck in our ruminations/emotions.

I think this is true for me as well.
I do have an ego and it is super hard to move past, I feel like he took a piece of me that I will never get back, like sometimes I find my worth in what he did to me, if that makes sense. I feel like I still compare myself to what he did, not her but the situation and how it left me feeling? I recognize that and I communicate that to him but I feel like it just doesn't get me anywhere yet.

SacredSoul33

I literally can not even fathom how you must have felt, bringing HIS baby into this world and he did that? I completely get what you are saying and how you must feel, even to this day, that is a huge blow in comparison to what I felt but I can imagine if he had his A well into the babys accident i would have felt the same. I don't think I would have stayed, that would be two huge traumas and a bigger blow than what it already is just by itself.
I am truly so sorry, from a fellow mom who delivered four babies and realized my H wasn't cheating but def didn't want to be a dad yet...

BearlyBreathing

So he went off to be with his AP while I spend the WHOLE NIGHT during a rain storm terrified that the leak would recur and electrocute me.

OMG, I am sorry for this! I swear the things they do when they are deep in the A are the most hurtful, stupid things I have ever seen, even my H hates when I bring things up he literally wants to throw up. I don't think I will EVER get it. They had to have made us the monsters in their story somewhere...

Ink

I have been reading some things here and there, getting back in the gym and trying to focus on reading again which I love. I only have so much time now that I am back to work, but I am trying.

Yes it does make sense. We get validation from all the roles we take on in life in one form or another. You took your role as wife very seriously, and for that to go unseen and unappreciated for so long it of course affects your feelings of worth.

In time, I imagine you will learn that you would not have Ben satisfied to take that role lightly, and living your values regardless of him is something to hold your head very high on.

We all have ego, I don’t say that word in a way most people use it. In my spiritual understanding, we have a part of our selves that is soul, and it is the observer. Ego is our protector. We all have it and it’s healthy to have. But when we have been alerted of danger, which there are few dangers that rival betrayal, or something happening to one of our children. It’s trauma that makes that ego work harder. I think in time as you heal, that will all settle down.

I also want to say you have continued to also rely on your logic and I think that helps tremendously. It takes time for your logic and emotions to resign after such big disruptions.

I wanted to explain that more deeply because I am not saying that your ego is hurt, I am saying your ego is kicking in to protect you and that is what it is there for. Self worth to me is a completely different thing, and people use it often to describe a bigger than normal self worth. I don’t think of it that way.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:42 PM, Wednesday, January 22nd]