SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did not know of this website until this past October. It was a therapeutic write for me, then I decided to post it.

I have been a mess lately, believing that something is going on. I had to check his phone. He is texting a coworker, she’s cute and married, and it’s not all work related. He told her what he had for lunch and something like "it was good to see you walk in with purpose this morning ". Weird. Nothing sexual or the like. He did have a text with another co-worker where he refers to me as another coworker whom he doesn’t like. Then they laugh.

It all feels disrespectful and yucky. Do I ask to see his phone?

It doesn’t matter what the context of the messages are. What matters is that you don’t like it and you don’t feel it’s appropriate. Your WH already had an affair, he has proven that he can’t handle relationships with women.

Yes you are justified in being uncomfortable with it. Even without an affair, if a friendship makes you uncomfortable you have the absolute right to voice it, and to be respected for it.

Here’s my question, you see his phone then what are you going to do? What if he refuses or what if the messages are clearly deleted? You don’t need evidence of him having another affair to make a decision. We talk about post affair boundaries a lot, to me, any sort of exclusive relationship with women would be a major violation.

Remorse isn’t just "oh I will never cheat again so it’s ok if I do these things". Remorse is going above and beyond to prove that he would never put himself in a situation where you could even suspect it’s inappropriate. Because he doesn’t want to hurt you again, because he cares more about you than his selfish desires for his ego.

I can’t say that I would walk as I’m still married after a dday3, but I can promise you that if you don’t set up boundaries and enforce them, you will be heading to another DDay down the road.

I read your post in JFO. Your WH had an A with a coworker and is now messaging another "cute" married female coworker? This behaviour is very much wayward and clearly is bothersome for you? What boundaries have you set in regards to his relations with female coworkers?

He did have a text with another co-worker where he refers to me as another coworker whom he doesn’t like. Then they laugh.

Is this another female coworker that he is texting? Regardless, he’s telling others that your a coworker he doesn’t like? Why do you think he would do this?

You definitely have every right to ask to see his phone. He could be forthcoming, he could refuse, he could start trying to hide and delete things before handing it over, etc.

Also, if you have a feeling "something is going on" then your feeling is probably something worth looking into.

He did have a text with another co-worker where he refers to me as another coworker whom he doesn’t like. Then they laugh.

Nope. NOPE NOPE NOPE. That's an enormous red flag. That's an invitation for her to talk shit about her H, which leads to conversation about how crappy their marriages are and how unhappy they are. How to Start an Affair 101.

Also, if you have a feeling "something is going on" then your feeling is probably something worth looking into.

Always trust your gut.

It all feels disrespectful and yucky. Do I ask to see his phone?

It's terribly disrespectful. I don't think I'd say a word at this point. I'd lie low and watch. Watch and take note of his passcode and check his phone while he's sleeping. If you find something, don't reveal your source.

Okay, yup, thanks for verifying my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting, that people can text co-workers. We should be able to have friends of the opposite sex, however, as my sister said, he lost that right when he chose to have an affair.

I wish I would have found this site sooner, the advice is so helpful. I want to go back in time and do it all over again - well not really. But I would definitely do it different.

HellIsNotHalfFull, I really don’t know what I’d do if he let me look at his phone. I know if he didn’t hand it over in the moment, that would speak volumes and we’d be done. I know he’d have some explanation for the texts to the cute lady, that he would promise are innocent.

His other co-worker text where he made fun of me, is not someone he’d have an A with. She’s quite a bit older…. his first affair partner was 20 years younger. Not sure about the "cute" one, but I think she is a bit younger.

SacredSoul33, yup I’m going to trust my gut, I trusted it before and unfortunately it was right. I will also lay low, peek at the phone, and make my plans about how I’m going to deal with this situation.

THANK YOU ALL!!

Possum,

I just want to reinforce my point. Yes he can text coworkers about work stuff. However opposite sex friends isn’t something you have to apologize for. Even without an affair, if his relationship with another woman is making you uncomfortable, you, the wife, get to make that call. I know there’s this big controversy about it, and so many wives especially are pressed to be "the cool wife" when it comes to women friends, but that’s all crap. If it makes you uncomfortable, your husband should chose you. Every damn time. Be strong, you have every right to enforce your boundaries, his affair is evidence supporting your suspicions, but you would still be right even if he never cheated.

HellIsNotHalfFull, thank you. Since I snooped on the phone, how do I say his "relationship" with the cute one makes me uncomfortable? That is where I’m at. For now I will just observe and see. I’m still really trying to figure out if I still love him. I want to feel happy when he comes home, cuddle, and love on him, but I can’t. It sucks.