Hi sunshine,
Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.
You will get better and stronger you ever were after this ordeal, sure it doesn’t feel like right now, but you’ll see this is not only survivable, it can even turn into empowering with the right healing.
Still it fucking sucks, so let’s begin by addressing the most urgent issue right now, your pain.
I hear you sister, people here will all hear you and this is important for you right now. Not to be told "it will be okay " this is one of the times when it is not ok.
You underwent betrayal trauma, it’s abuse, one of the worst there is. You are undergoing a wave of emotions that we often call the roller coaster from hell, because your attachment was wounded and your inner world, identity and reality shattered.
It is extremely important that you don’t compress these emotions because it will crush you, you need to let them out, no matter how incoherent or logical they might seem, what is critical to you is to be heard.
And you are heard.
Now, about the moron:
Yes your gut was right all along, that’s almost always the case, even when is "not" is usually us shushing the intuition and burying our heads under the sand to ignore the red flags 🚩.
That’s because cheaters self delude themselves into thinking they are "James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal flute and slaying the stage" when in reality is just the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup while stumbling around like an idiot (thanks Bruce for this image she nailed it)
He did it all by the book, literally followed the checklist ticking all the boxes:
- childish deception that a baby can spot
- 3 years old lies and excuses
- gaslighting you
- denial and false accusations
It’s pathetic and you would laugh at this idiot if just wasn’t so disgusting and infuriating what he did to you.
This is for you to understand that this was never about you, no fault or flaw from your side, nothing you could have done to prevent it because you were never ever offered the choice.
It is ALL on him, and you must respond by placing you first, not reacting to his chaos, but following up with consequences.
Right now your wound says you that you are not chosen, not enough, replaceable. This is not true, is your nervous system trying to find a reason, a why in what happened, and also still protecting the image of the person you loved.
Because if it can find a reason there must be something you can do to prevent this pain to hit you in the future.
That’s our own emotional reaction and we all have it, so it is normal but thankfully it is also not true what our wounds tell us.
You will learn more here in time, I just wanted to share it with you as it might help you to now follow the self bashing little demon that often hits freshly betrayed partners.
Now, what matters the most is you. Your healing. You come first in this moment, forget about the guy because he is not worthy a second of your time right now, it is you as a woman and a mom the only one that matters right now.
You can’t leave yet you said. So you are forced to endure the presence of your abuser. And he is still under his ego validation dopamine high, he has no regret or even just shame yet, he is full on in cheater mode as I understand, this means is absolutely toxic for you right now.
Until this changes, wether you manage to physically get away from him or he wakes up from his bullshit and realizes just what the hell he has done, you need to protect yourself.
Read in the healing library about the hard 180. Talk here and ask for suggestions, people who have been through this maybe even before me and you were born have a lot of wisdom that can share and help you navigate this chaos.
I feel for you and you are going to make it sister.
Trust your instincts and believe you will get better.
Here and now matters, don’t worry about tomorrow, you will get there when is time.
You have been heard.
