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My wife had a 10 year on and off sexual relationship with her boss. 10 years of gaslighting, partial disclosures, denials and turning blame back on me. She's had other affairs as well. The always suspecting and never being sure has eaten me alive all these years.

Very recently I sat down and started writing down everything i've observed over the years. Her exhibitionism, her flirting with the boss, late night "business dinners" that went past midnight, getting on birth control when she and I couldnt be together (I had depression and ED) . There were overheard sexual jokes between them when i'd call during a "business dinner". When she returned from a "business trip" I found the only sleepwear she had packed was a sexy open-side nightie. Early on she treated me like shit because I had developed severe anxiety and ED because she originally had vaginismus and we couldnt be together. She cured herself with her boss. She complained about sexual frustration constantly until one day after a late night business dinner, she stopped.

All this and much more I wrote down and it finally was obvious. And all I felt was peace . I wasn't crazy. I wasn't imagining things. It was like waking up from a decade long nightmare.

Wishing you all the best.

Yes acceptance gives you peace.

With peace comes clarity.

You know what to do now.

And you will see your issues disappear, just stay in that place and don’t look back

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:39 AM, Monday, May 25th]

Peaceandcalm, you mention depression and ED. Were you, or are you on an SSRI? Some of those, if not most of them can have unwanted side effects that include killing your libido, ED, and anorgasmia, and those effects can linger for years after stopping taking them. It's called "PSSD." Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction.

Ask me how I know.

I weaned myself off of sertraline (zoloft) a few years ago, and while things slowly improved over that period I still experience some minor, but lingering effects. Tho that effect is almost a superpower now.

I know they've helped a lot of people and can be effective, but I think sometimes they're over prescribed. I'll never take an SSRI again.

"I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t imagining things."

Honestly I think that is one of the most psychologically devastating parts of prolonged betrayal and gaslighting — years of second guessing your own instincts observations and reality.

Writing everything down chronologically can suddenly cut through that fog because the patterns become impossible to minimise anymore -even to yourself...and for what it is worth none of what you described sounds imagined or insignificant. Taken together over years those are patterns - not paranoia.

Sometimes peace comes not because the truth is painless, but because your mind finally stops fighting itself...

PandC, if you don’t want meds, run. I mean out doors. I know an athlete who told me he used running to get rid of anger and sadness. If you can’t run, ride a bike. If you can’t to that, walk. Human beings are meant to be busy. So go be busy. Do not ever let another thought of her cross your mind.

We are here for you. You matter, and bravo to you for wrestling peace and calm out of a crazy situation. You earned that peace!

I’m glad to hear you have found peace and calm. What is your next move? What is your plan for getting out of infidelity? The tenor of your post suggests you’re planning on divorce.

If that’s your path - and given the 10 years you’ve just been through, seems like a sensible one! - I would think you’d want to talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before confronting her. Be thoughtful about how you do confront her - is she the type that might gin up a false domestic violence charge against you?

You might be thinking about reporting her and her boss to HR…make sure you talk to your lawyer first. If she loses her job it could be worse for you in the D.

My wife had a 10 year on and off sexual relationship with her boss. 10 years of gaslighting, partial disclosures, denials and turning blame back on me. She's had other affairs as well.

I pray you’ve decided to stop being abused, and you have been to an incredible level. This is a serial adulterer, and while miraculous transformations of such people have occurred, it is an exceedingly rare thing, and categorically not one you should count on. Some here will glibly tell you that you two can completely overcome all of this if you simply decide to. Problem is, the incredible risk & cost of doing so, the length of time involved, and the horrible odds are almost never mentioned.

Your next move needs to be with an attorney. Several different consults if possible. And do not inform your "wife" yet. Listen to what the lawyer says. The thing you truly can decide on is that this situation with your wife is unacceptable and you will tolerate it no longer. You can decide you deserve better. You can decide you can start to work toward achieving a much happier life, and that the path to that means starting the process.

As you head down that road, if the truly miraculous occurs, your wife gets transformed into literally a new person, and demonstrates that by way of actions, sustained over the course of *years*, you could always consider dating her again after the D.

Keep posting.

I feel like i've awakened from a decade in a coma. The depression I carried with me is gone. I want to make the most of what time I have left in this world.

For the sake of my son I want to give her a chance to come clean to maybe rebuild something but if not, I'm going to be ok. I can walk away from this. I'm going to live my life to the fullest and she can come along or not.

Well, that certainly is an aptonymous username you have there. One of the most emotionally healthy responses I've seen in a bit. Best of luck to you going forward.

I appreciate where you’re coming from P&C, but I have some concerns for you.

First of all, it’s not clear that you actually love her. Most people here believe that staying in a M for the kids does more harm than good when there’s infidelity in the mix.

Secondly, you don’t really have any evidence. Listen, I believe you. I am big on "trust your gut" when it comes to this stuff. You’ve got plenty of smoke, but no actual fire. You know she’s cheating, and we believe you.

But you don’t have much in the way of evidence. And human nature is what it is. Cheaters follow a pattern of behavior so predicable that on this site it’s called the "Cheater’s Handbook", as if they were all reading from the same instruction manual. So if you confront her with I heard some sexual jokes and the sexy nightie in the luggage, she is just going to deny it.

There’s a woman posting on JFO right now who literally found love notes from her WH’s AP, and he’s still swearing it’s nothing. People here have denied actual smoking guns, sworn on the immortal souls of their children.

You’ll say, "WW, I know about you and Boss. For the sake of our DS, I’d like to try to rebuild our M, but to do that, you need to come clean." What do you think she’s going to say? If history’s any guide, she’s going to deny it. Hell, in your first post you said you’ve gotten 10 years of gaslighting, partial disclosures and denials. Hard to imagine a different result now…

I think you should consult an attorney first. Can you hire a PI? Get access to her devices?

I hope others can chime in with suggestions, but if you want to confront with what you have now, I think your message is "I know you’ve been having an A with Boss, and I’m speaking with an attorney."

There are tricks people have used in the past like hiding a VAR in her car, so that after the confrontation if she hops in the car and calls her Boss you can hear what she says. But other than things like that, you don’t have to say much more - if she wants to save the M, you can assess that from her actions (like going NC with her Boss and quitting her job, e.g.).

I may not have made that clear but I love her completely and unconditionally. There has never been anyone else in my heart. It is because I love her that I am willing to accept the fact that her future may not lie with me. I want her to be happy and I would love for us to be happy together but i'm hoping we can rebuild based on truth. i dont see another way.

Ok, important clarification!

Have you confronted her yet? What’s your plan?

I'm going to talk to her about it in the next day or two. we can be like ships passing in the night with our schedules. I want to sit with her and ask her what she wants and ask her to be honest with herself and me and also tell me about the other men there have been in our marriage.

Best of luck to you friend. I'm glad you found some peace, but the next steps are going to be hard no matter how well they may go.

You got this. You've got everybody here too.

Ok, best of luck, Peaceandcalm.

We’re all behind you.