SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long did it take you to feel really confident in your decision to stay? I am 20 months post d-day and still questioning if I made the right decision. I still have so many triggers. I think one of the biggest setbacks for me is that he treated me horribly before and during the affair. He knew how much he was hurting me by how he was treating me and chose to do it anyway. He has done a COMPLETE 180 since d-day, but I still have so much anger and resentment.

It took me 2 years to become as completely comfortable with my choice as I ever got (99.99999%), but my W was consistently remorseful in her behavior from d-day on. Later she told me and our MC that she didn't feel remorseful for at least 5 months, but she consistently did remorseful things from d-day on.

If you're going to R, IMO you need to respond to the here and now. You say your WS is behaving the way you want him to behave, right? If he keeps doing that, you really need to take it in. You are also feeling anger and mistrust in the here and now. That's important, and I suggest you talk about that with someone, a good IC if you can find one.

You describe the thoughts and feelings of someone in incomplete R, which is great for someone who's only 20 months out, because the SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover.

Stay loose. The last chapter hasn't been written yet. Your WS may continue as a great candidate for R. OTOH, it's possible that he's just acting now; if so, that will come out, probably in the next year. If he bcoems the lousy H again, you'll know what to do.

Well, approximately 6 years post DDay, my confidence in my relationship *now* is approximately the same as the confidence in my relationship as I did after 6 years of no cheating.

Now, that's sort of a weird consequence of the lengths of my relationship and the time since cheating since I'm using my "bayesian" theory of fidelity. It just so happens that I'm building up to 3x6 for post DDay and 2x6 is approximately the time before DDay.

Where estimated infidelity rate is (N+1)/(2*T). Where N is the number of times cheating, and T is the duration in time.

Since she cheated after we had been together for a little over 10 years (a little less than 10 married) and we are now at 17 ish years.

To reach the same level of confidence I had before she cheated, we need to hit thirty years / twenty post DDay.

It's a brutal hit to confidence in the relationship to have N>=1.

Chasingsunsets this really makes sense

I am 20 months post d-day and still questioning if I made the right decision.

there can be a lot of pressure to feel certain once you have stayed for a while but I am not sure certainty works like that after betrayal as sometimes staying is not one fixed decision it is something you keep reassessing as you see whether the change is real consistent and enough for you.

I am around 9 months from the truth coming out in my own situation and it is not easy - far from it. Even when there are better days the questions can still come back because your mind and body are trying to make sense of something that changed the whole emotional landscape.

He knew how much he was hurting me by how he was treating me and chose to do it anyway.

this adds another layer because it is not only the affair itself but the way you were treated before and during it and even if he has changed since DDay your body and mind may still be trying to process the fact that he was capable of hurting you while knowing you were already hurting.
I think the question is becoming less "did I make the right decision once and for all?" and more "does this still feel right for me now based on what I am seeing and feeling today?"

The anger and resentment do not mean you have failed at reconciliation - they may just mean there is still pain that has not fully been witnessed, repaired or made safe enough yet..

I am not convinced that it’s a linear process.

First you need to feel that your partner is truly remorseful, owns the infidelity and understands the consequences it has.

And puts in the work to change.

Then there’s a chance for you to begin the evaluation process.

Yo put it simply: if you decide to stay you are precluding yourself a life with someone else who can be honest, true and trustworthy, someone capable of receiving and giving love, to stay with someone who inflicted you a horrible abuse and trauma.

The sure thing is that your current relationship is dead.
You choose to stay why?

You can’t resurrect something that is dead. That’s a fantasy.

You could potentially build something else, something new.

But that depends on a true change of your partner into a safe person and it carries the awareness that the only sure thing about them is this: they are perfectly capable of infidelity.

The time necessary depends on how much they are really changing and able to become safe and make you feel safe.

History doesn’t always have to repeat, but is a pattern indicator.

So acknowledging that they are really putting in the work, that is giving you an eta estimate: what for do you stay? How much they can be present for you and provide you with reasonable proof of being now trustworthy.

From that you might assume a rough estimate, but it truly depends on how deep your wounds are and how much you want it, you want them (still).

You might find out years later that their very presence is just keeping you living in the echo of infidelity. All can come down at any moment.

Are you strong enough and are they worth this Calvary for you in the first place?

If yes, where do you stand right now emotionally?

This is not to discourage you, just remember to be fully honest about what you feel, for you and your wayward.

Years honestly, and not linear. I originally stayed for the kids and the financial stability. Hysterical bonding and my WW being fully remorseful made this decision easier. As hysterical bonding faded, and as life became more routine, I started catching myself being vulnerable and it scared me. This was when I questioned my decision to stay. I had to learn how to see little things in my WW that proved she had changed, things she couldn’t fake, such as improved self confidence, not being so selfish, etc. I also had to learn how and why she had the affair. For example, your WH treating you badly could have been a form of rewriting history to help him feel less guilty about having an affair. That’s what my wife did. My WW constantly set me up, lead me down paths that ultimately pissed her off, e.g., suggesting I take the boys out, encouraging me to spend money on myself, this list is long. She was angry almost every day. It’s was like walking on egg shells. Anything could tip her off.

How long did it take you to feel really confident in your decision to stay?

It took me around 3 years before I decided to take D off of the table. My H did the same as your H and has been a wonderful husband since his confession on Dday. But it took me a while to watch and see if he was truly being authentic. It has now been over 12 years since Dday and he has NEVER wavered in his authenticity .

He has done a COMPLETE 180 since d-day, but I still have so much anger and resentment.

The anger phase hit me about 6 months after Dday and it truly scared me. I could fly into a RAGE at even the smallest trigger. I knew something had to stop because this was not good at all for my mental or physical health.

I learned that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as hurt, guilt, etc. I started looking at the primary emotion that caused the anger. Once I was able to remedy the primary emotion then the anger started to subside .

If you do need to get some of that anger out...one BW had an ingenious idea . She would put water in a deep dish paper plate and then put the paper plate in the freezer. She would then take the frozen "plate" out of the paper plate...and SMASH it on her cement patio. It would smash into pieces...but cleanup was a breeze...it just melted away !! Sometimes it just feels good to SMASH something!!

I'm at 26 months and have accepted the fact that I am as confident as my heart will ever allow. I will never implicitly trust my wife again.

Reality is, an affair is a possibility from day one throughout the entire relationship. She has proven that she is capable of setting aside her morals for selfish pleasures, something I nor anyone else would have thought possible, yet here we are.

I have become jaded and at 55 I see no reason to ever implicitly risk my heart again. So I hold back a piece of me. Now I put my wants needs desires first without guilt. In the past I would have stepped in front of a bullet for her, but her affair changed that. If it ever comes to her life or mine, I'm choosing mine. Her affair showed what I was worth to her.

Today she is the model wife and would (probably ) make a great wife for another guy since there would not be any affair baggage. We get along great but that God damn affair baggage still ruins my day on occasion.

In the past I would have stepped in front of a bullet for her, but her affair changed that. If it ever comes to her life or mine, I'm choosing mine. Her affair showed what I was worth to her.

Spot on.

My H was kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW. One day it’s "I’m cheating but it’s nothing". A few days later he no longer wants to be married.

Yes we have R and yes we are both happy. While I know he cheated because of his own insecurities and need for validation from others, it still hurts once in a blue moon because he was so cruel and nasty during his affair and blamed me for his unhappiness.

That’s why I have changed and live a life now where I come first.

In the past I would have stepped in front of a bullet for her, but her affair changed that. If it ever comes to her life or mine, I'm choosing mine. Her affair showed what I was worth to her.

You know, it’s a surprise but I do feel that as well.

It’s not changed in the absolute. I’d still take risks for my daughter, my family and people I love.

We are talking about self sacrifice even if the metaphor of the bullet is something I don’t know how would react to (I have a protective instinct so I follow that without thinking).

I still have the same feeling unchanged.

Besides for my wife.
It’s true I wouldn’t risk self sacrifice for her anymore. At the very least, again, I don’t feel like.

She used to be my most precious person and the one I would protect at any costs.
That was always the case for those who I felt as my women.

Now between her and me, I choose me.

Sad, really.

I don’t hate her but realizing this it has a bitter taste.
Sad.