SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me (42), Met my other half (44) in 2013 at work. We got married in 2015. From the beginning of the marriage, there was a lack of intimacy, despite this we were best of friends. Over the years I have discovered him accessing porn websites, instead of joining me in bed, messaging porn stars on Twitter, sending his exes messages asking for bikini pictures. Each time I made a discovery, he was minimise it, but it made me more paranoid each time. I guess he just got better at hiding things. I didn't think it was enough to make me leave. I always suspected he had probably slept with someone else behind my back, but I had never found evidence of this.

We have had 2 children following several rounds of IVF (aged 3&6). We have bought a home together, travelled the world together and have made a life.

Last year, Nov 25, I found secret twitter (X) accounts where he had been messaging porn stars. This prompted me to give one final warning. Therapy or I'm out.

He sought out a couples counsellor after much prompting from me. We started in May 2026. I had literally been begging for affection and intimacy during the sessions. We both kept talking about how much better things have been between us since the couples therapy. More intimacy, more affection and just understanding each other better.

But my world turned upside down on 14th October 2026. He left his laptop open by accident, and I saw the most awful Watsapp pictures and messages. Sexting, pictures of his penis in someone else's mouth (a uni friend, someone he has known for 20 years). I was livid. I confronted him during a counselling session 2 days later, because I thought if I confront him without a witness, he will somehow find a way to gaslight me.

Initially he said it was a one time thing. However, I found her husband on Facebook and called him. He confronted her, and she admitted it has been going on since July 2025. my WH had got in touch with her and tried to convince her to stick to the story of it being a one time thing. She admitted the truth when confronted. Whilst my WH continued to lie after lie.

I threw him out of the house. But we have young children together, so he has to remain in my life. I still love him. But I'm broken, shattered, and can't see myself ever trusted him (or any other man) again.

He says this is the first times he has faced consequences (me throwing him out), he has finally taken accountability (after spending three weeks blaming me, his affair partner, and even our marriage counsellor at one point). He says he is changing, he is going to therapy, finding healthy coping mechanisms for stress (instead of porn) and can I just give him time to change and that this can't be the end.

I want to believe him, my children miss him so much, but my heart just can't go back there.

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Above your post is a post written by the SI staff titled "Newbies... Important Information - Please Read". Please read this post over and over.

Also, this site has a Healing Library... link at the top of this page. It has good articles for those who just found out.

From what I understand using pornography can become a very hard habit to break. Some call it an addiction. On top of that is the recent cheating. I am not saying he can't change, but he has a long way to go in order to become a safe partner for you.

Good luck to you.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

I highly suggest your husband meet with an SA (sex addiction) therapist for an evaluation. He has been acting out for years, there is a high probability he won't change, but a slim chance he will.

Right now I would not make any decisions, and IMO you are right to ask him to leave. His actions will speak louder than words, he has gaslit you so many times in the past, his words are meaningless. He is a master at keeping his darker side secret.

I suggest you find an individual counselor for yourself, put the marriage counseling on hold, the marriage isn't broken, he is. You need someone you can trust to guide you through this trauma.

I am not sure, but I think there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for members married to sex addicts (not saying he is). The thread may not be current, but you can glean some insight from members who have walked in your shoes.

Again, so sorry.

Thank you lrpprl, I have read the post you suggested and it is very helpful

Thank you annb, couples therapy has been stopped. The therapist who I built a very good relationship with has agreed to stay on as my individual therapist - initially it was a bit difficult to get her out of the couples therapy mindset, but since I told her she has to focus on me, she has done so and our sessions are very helpful to me.

I think my WH is undergoing his own therapy - which he needs to do for himself and to be a better father to our children, regardless of what happens with him and I.

I obviously still love him but I can't see past this and don't want to ever feel the way I did when I saw all those messages/explicit pictures. I am in self preservation mode now.

I know you still love him. Those feelings don't just evaporate overnight. I also think you have a pretty solid mindset and you're taking some proper steps to take care of you, which is exactly what you should be focused on right now.

The depth and lengths your husband has gone to deceive you and hide what he's been doing are pretty extreme. He's far from safe right now. Don't listen to anything he says because his words are meaningless at this point. Actions are everything, and I don't mean just his actions in the moment. You need to see sustained, consistent actions over time. He may change and become safe again, but I fear that's likely a long ways away.

I know you probably don't feel like it, but you're handling this very well. You took some very good, solid steps toward getting yourself out of infidelity and you should be proud of yourself for the strength you've shown. It's not easy to stand up for yourself when you've been blindsided by the destruction of your world and your feet are swept out from under you like this. For most of us it's the worst experience of our lives.

Stay strong, have faith in yourself, and keep posting here. There's a great group of folks here who've been through,or are going through something similar. There's a wealth of collective experience here you can learn from and lean on. Post as often as you want. Ask any questions, or even just vent if you need to.

Welcome to the club no one ever asks to join. I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but you will find great support from this community.