SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Dear Womenz,

I’ve been AWOL the last month. So much going on.

New male friend became boyfriend too soon for me so I ended it a week ago. I canceled our plans to spend Xmas and the holidays together. It was the right thing to do for me.

Stbxwh is seriously ill. I feel duty bound to help him through this. Part of me wishes that pissing blood was Karma. But the bleeding stomach ulcers and liver disease was his own doing. I am Buddhist. It sounds cliche but I feel Buddhist. I once again show love, care and compassion to WH at his time of need. WH was on suicide watch a couple of weeks ago. Somehow my presence in his life has fixed this.

So we are planning a family Xmas holiday together with our boys. I have to summon all my inner peace and strength to get through this. We have a cottage in the Countryside and plan to relax for 2 entire weeks. We have plenty of books to read and failing that, plenty of wineries and distillery’s nearby.

I will eat, sleep and pray and ponder how I got roped into this.

Enjoy your Holiday Season my lovely ladies.

I will be back here in 2021, No Doubt! 🙏🏼

(((Hugs))) LadyG

Please stay strong

Merry Christmas my amazing friends!

Came here for a quick rant. I am working on my business and there's something I need to do that's quite complicated. I am learning on the go. The maddening thing is that this was something wexbf did as a job and he was really good at it. I did something like this before but I had him check my work to make sure it was correct. It helped me a lot back then.

Now I'm just so mad he can't help me with it again. I don't miss him. I'm just mad. Anyone ever had something like this? The anger feels irrational, but after everything I helped him with for his business which was my expertise, this feels like an excellent thing he could have done for me but now I have to do by myself. And it's fucking harddd. And for him it was so easy. Asshole.

@LadyG, whew, that's a lot that's happened over a month. Sending you strenght to get through this with peace.

@gmc94: sending you positive vibes and good juju as well, I really really hope you get the job!

@throwaway999: yay to sci-fi nerds. Yes, I've been doing the walking and the outside thingy as well

Lady G, good luck with the two weeks in the country - you're a saint.

Hedwig, sorry you've got anger coming up - it's to be expected. They always leave us feeling like we got the short end of the stick while they run off with all the goodies.

Merry Christmas you BadAss Goddesses!

I am off today. Supposed to finish wrapping presents and cleaning, yet here I am.

It’s been 3 years since WH hid his coworker from me at their work Christmas party.

He knows I no longer take his word at face value, I assume he is lying, then the burden of truth falls on him to convince me.

Stressful for him? Probably.

Oh well.

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas, New Year, and don’t get as distracted as me

20rys,

You have an amazing Christmas too! I'm with you on oh well to their consequences. That's life cheaters. You make shitty choices you have shitty consequences.

Hedwig, sorry you've got anger coming up - it's to be expected. They always leave us feeling like we got the short end of the stick while they run off with all the goodies.

@skeetermooch: yup, I really feel like I got the short end of the stick. Not in the sense that my wexbf is better off without me or that his life is better than mine. But he took so much of me. He took and took and took. My life right before meeting him was way better than right after I broke up with him.

But it is slowly becoming even better than before. Not because of what he did, but because of the rebuilding I am doing after what he did. I made a conscious decision to stay single for at least two years, to fullfull some lifelong dreams and make myself the happiest I've ever been.

Lol, a quick reply to your reply turned into quite a long post. It's just that this time of year always makes me reflect on things and this time last year I was celebrating Christmas with him and his family.

Hope all you womenz had a great Christmas. This is my first one as a single. Went out to my SIL's last night. Her family is devastated from the A, too. We were neighbors. The plan was that we'd grow old with on our properties.

I went to visit when STBXWH was at my son's doing Christmas. We had a great visit and I saw my niece and nephew and their families. I barely got out of the door before I started bawling. All of the family traditions we had and the future we'd envisioned blown up by the selfish acts of a douchehole. She totally understands there's no going back.

Today, my son's family from across the street cane over. My older grandson said it was a relaxing day. It was, until his not quite 2-year-old brother had enough.

Dishes are in the dishwasher and I am relaxing. It's snowing out and everything is serene.

Infidelity sucks but my life is starting to not suck.

@leafields - good for you for getting through it and I’m glad you got to spend time with family in spite of douchewad.

My first Christmas single as well. Did gifts with my family over video this morning, cooked enough food to sink a battleship, my two friends came over at about 2.30 and they only just left (it’s 11pm). I’ve had a lovely day, better than I thought it would be, but now I’m blue. There was a part of me that thought he might reach out with a “Happy Christmas”. I know in the long run it’s better that he didn’t. But I kinda wanted him to so I could ignore him. .

The evenings are the worst. That is when the loneliness really sets in. But I managed to get through Christmas and to enjoy a lot of it. So that’s progress I guess.

Hope everyone had a good day x

@leafields, same here, first post-separation Christmas. I am glad you're relaxing now and feeling serene!

@OOL2020: I would lie if I said I didn't think something similar about wexbf reaching out to me. Mind you, I've blocked him on whatsapp, I've blocked his number and I've been effectively NC with him for 6 months but like, he could still e-mail me, lol. Just so I could ignore him too. I just want to know he's thinking of me and that he's miserable this Christmas, lol. It's the bruised ego that's talking, I guess.

And of course it's our higher self that knows it's for the best that they don't and that we should try and focus on us.

I'm glad you guys gave little updates. It can be quite lonely and isolating these days.

Happy Sunday Eve Womenz.

Just mindlessly writing here. I’m lonely. And bored. Oh. So. Bored. Bored with my life. I honestly think that is a lot of what is going on with me at the moment. Boredom.

A season is definitely a factor but being on my own with not much to do - I’m bored. So I keep thinking about at least if he were here, I’d have someone to talk to. That the flat wouldn’t feel so empty.

Ans yes, I’m keeping in touch with friends, Zooming, etc. I’m talking to people all the time. But it’s no substitute for having that physical presence, that person who is there for you.

It’s his daughters birthday on Tuesday. His birthday on Wednesday. I wonder if it will even register that I’ve not reached out - I have no plans to do so. I always made an effort with his birthday, put a lot of thought into his gifts. Last year I was especially on the nose with them and I remember being a bit surprised when he seemed shocked at the thoughtfulness of them. Now I can see it was his guilt, projecting onto me because he hadn’t put any thought really into my Christmas gift. Because he was sexting it up with his EAP.

I hope he does get upset when I don’t reach out.

I wish I didn’t still care.

I am also dreading NYE.

@OOL,

Sorry that we're in different places. I don't feel bored, but do sometimes miss physical touch. I get that from hugging others, like my grandsons.

I'm rarely bored, so it's hard to give any insights. Maybe start a new hobby or ? I look forward to so many things and like to plan for them that it keeps my brain busy.

@leafields - I have picked up a ton of hobbies (cross stitching, cycling, puzzles etc) but they only occupy a certain amount of time. I’m a ruminator at heart and so anytime my mind is not otherwise occupied, I dwell on him & the infidelity. Meditation helps but again, there are so many hours in the day.

I have no family here - am from the UK, living in the US, xWBF’s family was my family to all intents and purposes - so I don’t have that support locally. With COVID I am being very careful so only have a v small bubble of friends with whom I interact in person. Plus several of my friends are being very careful as well which reduces the number even further. Most things are closed in my city so difficult to find things to do.

I’m trying really hard not to feel like “woe is me” and I have done - and continue to try - to do things to help myself heal and to keep myself occupied. It’s just hard. I feel very isolated.

OOL given how recently you talked to him, it's not surprising that it is still taking up a lot of head space. That's pretty normal. Plus the holidays and all the triggers around that. It will get better - just keep yourself as busy as you can and give it time.

@Ellie - logically I know you are right. I only went NC with him again on Dec 4. I just want to be done with this part already. I looked back at some of my posts over the summer and I described my mood as being ‘even’. I’d give anything to feel even right now.

Got I hate that his actions have made me feel this way. What a, selfish, selfish prick.

So yeah, you are three weeks in to NC. Think back to the first round of NC at three weeks. You were in a way worse head space then than you are now so give yourself credit. You have come a long way and 6 months from now you will be looking back at this marveling at how far you've come. I hate that word - time - but it truly is the best thing. I won't go so far as to say 'time heals all wounds' cus I don't believe that, but given enough time, things tend to fall into a healthier perspective.

Everything you are feeling is normal OOL, it really is. All those feelings are part of the grieving process and have to be felt and worked through.

^^^^^^^^^^^ I echo EllieK on this one :)

OOL, I'm with you - my STBX takes up a lot of head space. Sometimes I feel like I can't go an hour without thoughts of him and what he did. I do best with NC like everyone else but it's very hard to maintain. He has a relationship with my adult disabled son and uses that to force come contact.

Big goals, projects and plans help me the most - it's a bit harder to come up with these during a pandemic but I've managed a few things. Also, getting out in nature - the farther out the better helps as well.

To stop ruminating I have used a mantra that I recite silently during any period of downtime - sitting at a stoplight, showering, etc. That and listening to music are helpful.

This is a sucky time to be newly single for sure.

@OOL

Just wanted to chime in to say I get it. And remind you that you have a number of solid strategies for coping, developed over the past year, and many of them have been COVID cancelled.

Were it not for the pandemic, you would likely be in San Diego right now, enjoying the ocean breeze. There would be a number of other possibilities for dealing with the empty holes in our lives, beyond our small quarantine bubbles. So, yes, it's hard right now. Harder than it was over the summer for sure!

And that douchenozzle is missing you horribly, noticing your absence even if unconsciously. And he will continue to do so long after you've reached indifference, because you're doing the work to heal and he is incapable of it.

Getting out in nature is great, skeetermooch! Went to the beach today, got my shoe and foot wet because I didn't see a wave coming, saw 4 red deer but I couldn't take a picture because my phone was dead, I saw a rainbow and then a whole bunch of seagulls came at me because I had fish so I started running and screaming at them. A girl and her parent were watching me from their home.