SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel so much for you and your daughters. I think you handled this with bravery and grace. Your daughters will always remember the kindness you showed them as you lead them out of infidelity, and the love you showed them as you explained the predicament you were all in.

I think it's time to quit beating yourself up for the past, and being proud of how you are handling the present.

You have more "friends" than you know, even if we are scattered around the globe.

1994

Thank you for your support and kind words. It's been an incredibly challenging time, but I'm determined to do what's best for my daughters and myself. I want to be a positive role model for them and ensure they grow up knowing the importance of honesty. I'm focused on making sure we all heal and move forward in a healthy way. Your encouragement means a lot to me. Stay strong as well!

RangerS

Thank you for your understanding and support. It's been a tough journey, but I believe that staying true to my values and prioritising my daughter's well-being is the right path. You're right; this situation has been incredibly painful, and it's essential to focus on healing rather than getting caught up in emotions. I appreciate your words, and I'm determined to move forward positively, leaving behind those who have caused this pain.

WishidleftHer

I appreciate your input, and I've been reflecting on the situation deeply. While it's difficult to come to terms with, you make valid points. It's clear that trust has been shattered in both relationships, and it might be time to take the steps needed to move forward. It's a painful process, but ultimately, I want what's best for my well-being and that of my daughters. Thank you for your well wishes.

rambler

Thank you for your support. It's been a challenging journey, and I believe taking these steps is the best course of action for my healing and my daughters' well-being. Your encouragement means a lot.

hardyfool

You're absolutely right; the betrayal has been incredibly painful. Thank you for your words of support and encouragement. I'm committed to protecting my children and myself as we move forward. It will take time, but I believe we can heal and rebuild our lives.

Sick2Death 

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. I'm doing my best to be there for my daughters during this difficult time, and your encouragement means a great deal. I'll certainly keep your advice in mind about being kinder to myself and others. We're all in this together, and I'm grateful for the people who have shown us kindness and understanding.

bob7777 

You've really understood what I'm going through. You're spot on when you say I might have ignored some warning signs because I didn't want my marriage to end. It's been really tough dealing with the betrayal by both my STBXW and my ex-best friend.

I'm grateful for your point of view on how I initially reacted, especially when you mentioned that I wanted them to understand how much they hurt me. It's a complicated situation, and I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. Your words remind me that I should focus on getting my life back on track and not just hope things will sort themselves out.

Thanks for being there for me and sharing your insights during this tough time.

Seeking2Forgive

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for your message. Your understanding and support mean a lot to me during this challenging time. It's reassuring to hear your perspective and experiences, especially regarding severing connections and maintaining no contact. Your advice about handling potential situations with my STBXW is invaluable, and I will definitely take it to heart.

You're absolutely right about the love for the child I raised being a powerful force, and your words resonate deeply with me. I'll continue with my individual counselling and confront all my feelings head-on, as you wisely suggested.

Thank you once again for your kindness and well wishes. It means a great deal to me and my daughters.

Littlepuppet

I just wanted to say thanks for changing my username to something more positive. Your encouragement means a lot to me.Thank you.

Jajaynumb

I can't thank you enough for your understanding and support. It means the world to me, especially coming from someone who's faced similar challenges. I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through this as well and that it was such a difficult experience for you.

It's not easy for any of us, and emotions can sometimes get the best of us. Please know that I don't consider myself to be "handling it perfectly," but I'm doing my best to find my way through this mess. Your words of encouragement really boost my spirits, and I genuinely appreciate your kind wishes.

Let's both hope for brighter days ahead. Thanks again for your support.

ThisIsSoLonely

I can't thank you enough for sharing your personal experiences with me. It's clear that you've endured an incredible amount of pain and complexity due to infidelity within your family and personal relationships. The fact that your mother's affair led to divorce and her subsequent marriage to the AP, along with the intertwined connections between your WH, the AP, and OBS, shows just how messy and tangled these situations can become.

Your story hits home, and I can feel the depth of your emotional journey in your words. It's humbling to hear how your perspective on infidelity has evolved through your own experiences. It's true that until you've walked in those shoes, it's nearly impossible to fully understand the complexities and choices that come with them.

I want you to know that your empathy and willingness to share your experiences mean the world to me. It helps me realise that I'm not alone in facing this pain and confusion.

Your words resonate deeply with me, and I want to express my heartfelt appreciation for your insight and wisdom. You're absolutely right; this journey has been a profound life lesson, one that I never anticipated. Your perspective on how I should approach my oldest is both emotional and thoughtful.

I fully acknowledge that I once believed I would react and feel differently in this situation, and your advice on admitting this to my eldest is profoundly important. You've touched upon the core of my emotions and the realisation that I was mistaken in my initial thoughts and words. I do still feel an overwhelming love for my eldest, and that love transcends any doubts or misconceptions I had.

You've reminded me that life is complicated, and we all make mistakes along the way. It's the grace and humility we exhibit in those moments that define our character. I appreciate your words, which serve as a valuable guide on this path of self-discovery and growth.

I appreciate your perspective on this matter. It seems you might not have read my recent update. Regarding my daughter's knowledge of her DNA, she is indeed aware that she doesn't share my DNA, and she insists that I am her real father. However, despite her words, I can sometimes sense doubt in her, which adds to the complexity of the situation.

Your insight about the timing and approach of discussing this with her is still valuable, as it aligns with my concerns that I have overwhelmed her with too much information all at once. I want to handle this situation with care and sensitivity, and your input reinforces the need for thoughtful consideration.

Once again, I appreciate your understanding and thoughtful response. Your support during this challenging time means a great deal to me.

Abalone123

I deeply appreciate your kind message. Knowing you see me as a great dad means a lot, as my daughters are my top priority. I'll take your advice to heart and be kind to myself. Maybe even plan a solo vacation when things settle. Your support is a tremendous source of strength. Thanks again for your warm wishes and encouragement.

DoinBettr

I genuinely appreciate your thoughtful suggestions and guidance during this challenging time. It's comforting to know that there are practical steps I can take to navigate through this difficult situation.

Regarding the idea of recruiting my daughters into the business and making it a family venture, I want to mention that they already work with me, and I'm incredibly grateful for their help and contributions. It's a unique dynamic that we have, and I believe it brings us closer as a family.

The notion of scheduling a vacation with my daughters is also wonderful, and I believe it could help shift their focus towards the future. Your suggestion of planning a big trip with lots of activities sounds like a great way to create positive anticipation.

Your advice regarding the division of our assets makes sense, and I am committed to ensuring a fair outcome. It's important to note that my STBXW's approach has taken me by surprise, as she's expressed a willingness to give me almost anything I want if I speak with her first. She's also mentioned not wanting to hurt me, considering our shared history as parents to our daughters. This complexity adds an extra layer to the situation, and I will approach it carefully.

You've emphasised the importance of eventually talking to my STBXW, and your insight into preparing for that conversation through therapy and writing is invaluable. I'll keep this in mind, but I don't think I'm ready to talk to her yet.

Thank you for your encouragement and acknowledgement of my decision to let go of my employee. I'll certainly remain vigilant to protect my family from any potential harm.

Lastly, your suggestion to engage more with my daughters in activities that bring normalcy to their lives is deeply appreciated. Building those bonds and creating moments of normalcy are undoubtedly essential during this challenging period.

Your thoughtful advice provides a roadmap for moving forward, and I'm truly grateful for your support and insights.

Potentialforevil

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding during this challenging time.

I appreciate your recognition of how I'm handling the situation with both of my daughters, giving them the time they need. Your words encourage me to stay patient and strong.

Thank you for your thoughtful message.

FunHouseMirror

Your heartfelt message touches me deeply, and I can't express how much your support means to me and my daughters during this difficult time.

Your words about bravery and grace bring warmth to my heart. I truly hope that my actions will leave a positive and lasting impact on my daughters, and I'll always strive to be the best father I can be.

Your advice about not dwelling on the past is something I needed to hear, and I'll work on being proud of how I'm handling the present. Your encouragement is a beacon of light in these challenging moments.

It's heartening to know that even though we may be scattered across the globe, there are friends like you who offer their kindness and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being one of those friends.

I want to extend my apologies if I've overlooked any of your replies. Your messages are important to me. Your understanding is greatly appreciated.

Hello SIHNF,
It is often said here on SI that the goal is to get the BS out of infidelity. What we don’t realize sometimes is that it’s NOT "just" the betrayed spouse getting out of infidelity. It is also every single person that infidelity touches - all the collateral damage - friends, extended families, coworkers, colleagues, business partners, your community, your church, clubs, school, work - and that’s just the BETRAYED’s network. What about the OBS and that side of the coin?? It’s so far reaching that it’s mind numbing sometimes. A single decision, a conscious choice, to step outside the marriage, to forsake vows, lie, cheat, deceive - all those awful things leave a lasting devastating impact on those involved - especially those closest to the inner circle. And ESPECIALLY the children, the littlest victims, the truly innocent. I feel that pain here when I read your posts - your daughters’ pain and agony. And I’m sorry but it makes me loathe your WW so much more that I have ever loathed a wayward before. Maybe it’s because you describe in such excruciating detail your daughters’ reactions to hearing the news - that one can feel the pain and hurt emanating from your post. It’s palpable, it really is. Please continue to seek out therapy for your girls. It’s so vital to their mental health and healing - they need professional guidance to help them on this horrific journey.
My son suffered so much from the actions of his father - the betrayal ran so deep, so raw in all of us. The A was 11 years ago but 9 months ago - when my WH was caught in a week long EA (texting, flirting) with a family friend (no longer a friend!) a lot of trauma resurfaced in myself (of course!) and in our son. Collateral victim. My husband immediately went NC with the OW, and I blew up everyone’s texts and emails with the details on what they had been doing. Put everyone on notice. I wasn’t going to do this shit again. Anyway - that triggered some serious trauma feelings in our son. Which was surprising to me. We (he and I) had some serious heart to heart talks about what happened - he was 11 at the time of the A in 2012; he’s now 22. I never knew this - but he revealed to me that the cause of his mild panic and anxiety episodes (diagnosed at 17) was directly due to the betrayal trauma he experienced at age 11. His anxiety is medically documented, we thought it was normal "teenage angst"! Turns out the root cause can be linked to this pivotal moment in his life. He experienced insomnia, anxiety, other behavioral issues - but again, a parent thinks it’s normal growing pains. Clearly it was not. Today he’s receives regular ongoing individual counseling and takes medication. I did everything I thought I could do in 2012 to protect and shield my son from the mess of a separation, a divorce filing, all the uncertainty and unheaval in his life. But he still absorbed so much of this trauma. (Read my bio, it explains a lot of the mental health issues WH was going thru at that time as well due to his military service). Our son is now 22, graduated with honors from college in May with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. He is now attending Graduate school at very prestigious university in California pursuing a doctorate degree with a goal to become a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma therapy. He set that goal when he was 15 years old - he was in his second year of high school and in a career services class taking about future goals. It was then that he decided he wanted to help others suffering from trauma. I say ALL this because it is my hope that you continue to be an ADVOCATE for your daughters. I truly missed a golden opportunity to get my son the help he needed back then - we were 6 years in by the time we got him into his own therapy. I’m so thankful that my son is healthy, thriving and flourishing in a new state, making new friends, continuing his education and loving his life!
I wish you and your family the best of luck as you navigate this painful journey. I honestly wish I would have found SI back in 2012. I would have done a million things a million ways differently.
Best wishes.

BB

(Side note: I always thought I’d never reconcile after dday #1 if he ever did it again. His EA was NO EXCUSE. But I felt that since it was caught early I did grant him an opportunity to show me he was serious about recovery, about IC, about being the man of integrity that he wants to be. We are reconciling, doing well thus far - 9 months in.)

Blackbird25

I want to express my gratitude for your message. Your thoughts mean a lot to me, and I'm thankful for the time you've taken to reach out. I want to make sure I can give your message the attention it deserves. Also, I'm interested in reading your bio, so it might take me a bit of time to respond fully. I promise to get back to you as soon as I can provide a proper response. In your message, you do mention therapy for my daughters; they had their first session today. I've been working on providing an update about it, but it's taken me a bit of time to organise my thoughts.

My daughters had their first therapy session today. At the start, they saw the therapist alone, and she later invited me to join. I know my daughters really well, and I could tell when they were lying. It seemed like they were saying what they believed I wanted to hear rather than expressing their true feelings.

I also had a conversation with the therapist. She mentioned that my daughters worry I might leave, a fear that often comes up in their quiet conversations when they don't think I'm listening. Despite my repeated reassurances that I'm staying put, I can still see doubt in their eyes. They've also told her that I have no regrets about cutting ties with my mother. Over the years, I've openly stated that it was one of the easiest things I've ever done, and I genuinely have no regrets. However, they find themselves in a completely different place, struggling to do the same with their own mother. They wonder how it was so effortless for me, given the challenges they currently face in making a similar decision.

I understand and respect their choice to create some distance from their mother. What worries me is the idea that they might feel pressured to avoid talking to her because they fear how I might react. It's like I'm unintentionally restricting their options because they're afraid I might disapprove or leave them.

After we got into the car, I mentioned that when we got back home, I would be honest with them about my mother, and I would share with them the things they didn't know, like why it was so easy to cut my mother off. I've tried to make them understand that my mother and their mother are not the same, and they shouldn't compare them.

(I'll attempt to keep it brief since we spoke for hours about my childhood, and it's too much to write.)

I've told both of you many times that I ended my relationship with my mother without regrets. The memory of her betrayal and the pain it caused the people I care about still hurts. I want you to understand that my situation with my mother is different from yours, but I want you to realise how easy it was for me to cut ties with her.

When I think back to my earliest memories, I remember having a difficult relationship with my mother. She didn't show me love and care like most parents do. There were no kind words, hugs, or kisses to comfort me when I was scared. Instead, she would get very angry with me for even small mistakes, and it felt like her anger only got worse over time. I would often find myself walking on eggshells, fearful of any misstep that might provoke her. This emotional environment left me feeling isolated, unloved, and unimportant, struggling to comprehend why my mother treated me this way when all I wanted was the warmth and tenderness that should naturally accompany a parent-child relationship.

Sometimes, my mother's anger led to her physically punishing me, making my childhood even harder. The pain was excruciating, but what hurt even more was knowing my own mother was causing it. I just wanted love and approval as a child, not the harsh treatment I often got. The pain I felt during these times wasn't just physical; it left me marked, not just physically but emotionally as well.

What made these experiences even more painful was her laughter. When I was suffering, her laughter felt like she was making fun of me. It was like a strange, unsettling soundtrack that made my pain worse and made those memories even more upsetting. I remember how, whenever tears welled up in my eyes, I'd quickly suppress them. I had learned the hard way that my mother perceived my tears as a sign of weakness, and it only served to make her angrier. She would often scold me, insisting that I needed to "be a man" and that "men don't cry." So, I learned to hide not only my tears but also the sadness in my heart, all while secretly hoping for the love and kindness that I could never get from her.

As I got older, I got really good at taking the blame for my younger siblings. I did this to protect them from our mother. I went through this painful experience for what seemed like a very long time, and it felt like it was crushing my spirit every day. It was a constant reminder of how love and affection were missing from my childhood, like they were something I could never have.

My father, on the other hand, never physically punished me. He was hardly ever around. He worked hard to provide for us, but when he did return home from work, he often drank too much. I would sit there, hoping he'd pay attention to me and show me fatherly love, but his addiction kept him distant. This left me feeling abandoned and lonely. Those nights were a mix of my mother's anger and my father's drinking, making it a difficult time for me.

When I turned 16, I bravely moved out, securing a place of my own and working two part-time jobs. My days were full of responsibility, but every morning, I would visit my parents house to ensure my younger siblings were ready for school. I'd help them get dressed, pack their bags, and make sure they had breakfast. Then I'd drop them off at school and then go to work. After work, I'd pick them up, making sure they had dinner, got cleaned up, and were tucked into bed, often with their favourite bedtime stories to comfort them. This daily routine left me physically drained, yet it also filled me with a profound sense of purpose and satisfaction, knowing that I was providing them with the care and support they so desperately needed. During this time, your mother entered my life, eventually moving in with me. Her presence was a godsend, a source of immense support during those demanding days. Despite being pregnant herself, she wholeheartedly joined in the effort to care for my siblings. Her willingness to share the responsibilities and her unwavering dedication touched me deeply, and I will be forever grateful to your mother.

It's important for both of you to truly understand that this is the very reason why I don't carry any regrets. While our mothers may have betrayed us, I want you to see the differences between my experience with my mother and the relationship you share with yours. You've always seen her as a perfect mother, someone who would never intentionally hurt you. When I think of my own mother, my memories are shrouded in darkness and pain, far from the warmth and love you associate with yours. Once more, my perception of my mother differs significantly, as she took pleasure in causing me pain. In my world, my mother never loved me.

It may take a considerable amount of time to fully understand that your mother is the same person responsible for her actions. The difference in the case of my mother is that her capacity for change will never be sufficient to bring out any affection from me. I believe that your mother loves you, and given time, she can demonstrate it to you if you are willing to open yourself to the possibility.

All my life, I struggled with the painful memories of my parents loveless upbringing. Those memories made me determined to make sure my daughters would never go through the same emotional destruction. But I have to admit, it wasn't easy. Sometimes, my own self-doubt and the scars from my past made it hard for me to be the kind of father I wanted to be in your lives.

When I learned about your mother's affair, it forced me to reflect deeply on how my actions and words throughout the years might affect you. It took time, but I eventually found the strength to confront my own issues. Once I was in therapy, I began to separate the emotional barriers that had kept me distant from you for so long. I came to understand that healing myself was what I needed to do to provide the love and support that both of you deserve.

I want you to know that even when you think you're whispering, I can hear what you're saying, and I've realised that you both believe I might leave. It pains me deeply that you feel this way, and I take full responsibility for creating this doubt. I hope my actions will show you that I'm here to stay. You've always seen me as a father who would never intentionally hurt you. I want to acknowledge that I've said things I deeply regret, and I wish I could take those words back. I'm truly sorry that my actions and words have caused you so much pain.

I understand your scepticism, especially because it hasn't been that long since you learned the truth. In the past, I've made a promise that I now realise was wrong—I said I would cut you off if you sided with your mother. That's not true. I would never stand in the way of your relationship with her. I know it might be hard to believe, but I promise that if you want to talk to your mother, please feel free to do so, and our relationship will remain intact. She's your mother, and I understand the deep love she has for both of you.

I want you to know that I'm here for you, that your feelings are important, and that I understand the pain and confusion you're going through. I'm committed to doing everything I can to support you and rebuild the trust we've had all these years. We'll get through this together, as a family.

I know this is a tough time for both of you. You might be feeling like you're mourning the loss of your mother, even though she's still here. It might seem strange, but sometimes our minds process complex emotions in this way, making it even more challenging to understand and cope with what you're going through. Your feelings are entirely normal given the circumstances, but they can be really heartbreaking. Sometimes, these emotions might go from one extreme to another, making it tough to stay emotionally calm.

It's important to remember that healing doesn't mean you have to forget or ignore your feelings. Instead, it's about finding a way to carry those feelings with you as you go through this tough journey. Seeking support from each other, friends, or professionals who specialise in grief can provide valuable help during this difficult time. Although the road may be rough, there is hope that, with time and support, we can discover a path towards healing and forgiveness for your mother.

After our conversation, I noticed that they appeared somewhat calmer and slightly more open to discussing things. However, it's clear that they haven't reached a point of complete ease just yet. I genuinely hope that they choose to continue attending therapy sessions because I believe it can make a significant difference in helping them cope with their emotions.

ShameIHaveNoFriends, I can't offer much advice since you seem to be handling this so well. One father to another - you're one of the good ones. Don't doubt yourself.

ShameH -

Your post about talking to your daughters reminds me of my dad back in the days following my parents separation and divorce - and coming from me that is the highest praise. I hit the "Dad Lottery" with my Dad. Sounds like your kids nabbed a winning ticket too.

It’s incredible that you did not have good parenting role models yet you are doing a stellar job at being a responsible parent. You are emotionally aware and I am sure have been a loving husband and a solid trustworthy friend. It’s honestly your exWS and exBF’s loss.

Take your time before you decide to meet with the WS. You do not owe her a meeting if you do not want to. I know you will be fair, but this is also a time to make sure that you and your daughters are financially protected. She’s ready to give up everything because she thinks there’s a chance for R. That might change once she knows there is no hope. I would wrap up the divorce and financial settlements asap.

Totally agree with Abalone. Get word to your WW she can show her contrition in her willingness to favor you in the D as financially as the kindest (to you) judge would allow.

How you doin SIHNF?

I have been following the forum for a very short time and I don't know the merit rules for becoming a member as a moderator or guide. But I think that with this post, ShameIHaveNoFriends could be a great candidate for it.
A hug!

I wish you strength and patience

It may have been said by others!

Who is your daughter's father?

There may be someone from your close circle who is married and may know that he is your daughter's father.

You should definitely talk about this issue with your wife.

Since you do not intend to stay with your wife, I will not offer any opinions on other matters.

Brother, it is good to see that you are resolute in your want’s regarding the predicament you are in. Also you have always taking very good care of both of your children, now hopefully yourself.

The betrayal from your STBX is immense as she fully knew of your family history. Yet chose to betray you and the children. It wasn’t just a mistake but a long planned deliberate betrayal, simple. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand, but planned actions. A example was her ‘holiday with her friends’ (AP) These actions have consequences and regardless of what she was thinking that no one would get hurt or that you would forgive her discretions. She has to be accountable and rightly so should be.
What example does she she think she was setting for your daughters?

Has your MIL expressed why your STBX doesn’t want a Divorce? Is she reluctant to go down the D because of the ‘infidelity’ as the reason? Court documents are public knowledge.
It seems strange that she hasn’t jumped at the chance to be with AP after the duration of the betrayal.

Or do you think she wants to remain within the marriage as you are truly a good man, father and provider.

I may have missed the duration of her betrayal, so you have that evidence with your solicitor?

Can I ask how you found out? If that is not too painful.

You will have many hurdles to get through or over but I just always say one day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:23 PM, Tuesday, September 19th]

Two years is a long time to cheat and lie to you. And yet she wants to stay in the marriage. Do you know anything about what she has to say for herself or has there been no contact completely? She would have known your intense feelings on infidelity and yet still carried on for two years. With a fellow coworker and you best friend. She has to have some issues she’s dealing with I would imagine. How did you learn of the affair and what are your plans post divorce dealing with her as a co-parent and a business partner?

SIHNF, how are you and your kids doing? Are they still anxiuos? Do you get some genuine teenage LOL? Are they having any contact with their mother? You where very focused on them, how are you doing personally?

Hi SIHNF,

I was thinking about you recently.

How have you and your daughters been keeping?
Are you all feeling a little more settled in this challenging circumstance?
Please feel free to update us or vent as you desire.

Kind regards,
FAWH.

Hey OP, how are things going?

Would really like to hear from you.