SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jim, how is it going? You ok?

Notsogreatexpectations:

Thanks for asking. I’m well. I’ve purchased "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" to read and highlight before discussing with my wife and asking her to read. I had bought these books 20 years ago for her to read, but I don’t think she ever did and our useless counselor moved to Hawaii. And when I looked for the books recently I couldn’t find them. So, with a stillborn reconciliation and the rug sweeping we did I’m having to reverse engineer my recovery by first understanding what I missed and what I need. Once I finish the books I will be taking that understanding back into counseling so we can have a productive discussion.

I also bought and am reading "Not Just Friends" for the same reasons as you. It is a wealth of information and advice, but I don’t think I’ll be picking the scab. I think my wife has compartmentalized her affair (including her guilt) and put it in cold storage, in a sealed cask, in an abandoned salt mine, and dynamited the opening. I don’t think she has remorse and never will. I have accepted that I will never have the marriage I thought I had, but the one I have is pretty good. It is hard accepting good when you get used to great and I expect that I will always have to fight to accept less than. I try not to think, "I just wish", because I know that means I am going over an immutable fact, she did not love me as much as I loved her. I will never trust like that again.

I am older than you and my wife’s affair was not as egregious as yours, but I do believe that I know exactly how you feel and how much you want to approximate what you once had. I wish you well.

Thanks notsogreatexpectations. Praying God brings healing, peace and restoration to both of us

Notsogreatexpectations:

I also wanted to say I understand very much your fear of being the 2nd choice. It was very wrong for your wife to maintain that attachment even if it were entirely emotional. I’m very sorry you experienced that, and am very sorry your wife currently is unable and/or unwilling to acknowledge and deal with that. I am praying somehow she begins to see and understand and bring you closure.