SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*Edit - title meant to read successful NOT successor R*

Exactly my title. How do I just "let go" and really give R an honest, genuine shot? I do want to R and my H wants more than anything to R (he is also a good candidate for it) … there is still this lingering "buuuuuuuut, you cheated on me and discarded your own children away like trash" mentality that is constantly sitting with me. Yes, I know 15 months is still considered "early," but I’ve read a few times over on SI that by the time you hit the "6 month mark" you should have made a decision whether to R or D. I have obviously made my decision to R, but there is still so much uncertainty that lingers and it’s stopping me from fully committing.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 6:41 PM, Monday, January 13th]

Eventually - and I am talking at the years out mark - I let go of giving my "all" to reconciliation and/or the marriage and instead starting giving my "all" to me.

That's not being pessimistic or selfish. But for so long after Ddays - I fought to save my relationship, my marriage, my family. And the anxiety and exhaustion of it all was killing me. Metaphorically speaking - I was setting myself on fire to keep other people warm.

When I started focusing all my "all" into healing myself - all of myself, things then s-l-o-w-l-y fell into place. My youngest [a teen at DDay1 grew into a young adult] so my "efforts" were not required as much there. WH pulled his head all the way out of his ass and started doing the hard work [not the perfunctory work or compulsory work] on himself and thus the relationship benefitted far more than trying to smash that square peg in that rounded off hole come Hell or high water.

WH head out of ass pulling was - he later admit - a result of seeing me reclaim myself. I started doing things for myself. I started pursuing old hobbies and finding new ones. If I wanted to do something, and he didn't - I did it anyway. By myself, I went to soft coffee house openings, book signings, local sponsored walks, store openings/ribbon cuttings. I worked on home projects solo. I fixed things that were broken with Dollar Tree tools and a YouTube video. He'd ask me - why didn't you ask me to do it? I'd reply - we both live here - you knew as well as I did that such and such had to be done - after a while I just took it upon myself to do something about it. He watched me become fiercely independent [again]. And he [sadly] notice that I didn't look to see if he was actually watching or not.

I realized slowly that despite all my best efforts, I couldn't work on reconciling the marriage until I myself was whole and thriving as a person. And then I realized he could choose to come along on the ride of the rest of my life with me or not. And if he chose not - while my heart would be shattered all over again - I would survive.

There is a saying around here that you have to be willing to lose the marriage/relationship to save it. It wasn't until I was reclaimed for a while that I realized just how true that was.

You are but 15 months out. Be gentle on yourself. And reclaim yourself. You are worth it I promise.

We worked on R a while — I’m thinking at 18-months (or just around there) — I turned to my wife and told her that love wasn’t going to be enough to save us. I reminded her love wasn’t enough to keep her from hurting me in the first place.

Basically, I had concluded that the pain was too much and it would always be in the way.

We started plans to go our own way, and something about me letting go of the outcome allowed me to let go of my remaining resentments. I found some peace knowing I was going to be good with or without the M. The other thing that happened is my wife didn’t change her behavior after I gave up, she kept being kind, she kept looking after me anyway.

I guess I’m explaining I didn’t go all in on R until year three of recovery.

As we close in on year 9 now, we still do exactly what we did after I let go of the outcome.

We wake up every day and choose each other.

Infidelity is as selfish as it gets, it takes some serious ‘show me’ time to prove changes in a person, to show where their priorities are now, today.

Oh HeartBroken, I hear you! It is so hard, so very hard.

I can have these moments (and good stretches of time) of true happiness with my WH but then suddenly I have those exact thoughts ‘you stupid POS fucking cheated on me’ and I go back to why am I even staying.

So for now I just tell myself and my WH I am going to try to R for now. But I know and he knows full well that I may change my mind at any time. Him doing the work after the A is all good and well, and I’m glad he has changed for the better but some days in my mind it’s just too late. He should have done this before he did what he did.

I really miss the days I had where I didn’t have this A in my marriage. Even though I don’t necessarily think about it everyday it’s obviously still there and I think that’s why I am not saying ‘forever’.

Thank you Chaos for sharing. I’ve definitely heard the saying around here regarding having to risk losing the marriage to save it … and I definitely agree. Looking back over the past 15 months, I feel like I haven’t really put my M first … initially, I felt there was nothing left to save and I didn’t care if my M was over. Right since Dday, I’ve been doing my best to focus on me/my personal healing (my children), while keeping a sharp eye on my WH actions trying to determine if a newfound M can be created from mine and his efforts along the way.

I think one of the biggest things I’m having a hard time with is the "renegotiation" of my pre-A marital contract (you know, the one where infidelity is an automatic dealbreaker). I hate having to go against mine, and ironically enough HIS, clear-cut boundary of zero tolerance of cheating.

I know that I’m not fully or personally healed from his betrayal (although, I know I’m a lot better then 15 months ago) … I guess, maybe, I’m still too early along to jump in with both feet.

Thank you Oldwounds. I definitely have felt and had the confidence (honestly, since Dday and prior to it) that I would be fine with or without my WH and/or my M - it’s a nice feeling to have. I’ve never been the type of person to "rely" on someone else for my happiness or success.

Like your W, my WH continues to "show up" and will not stop fighting for me - this provides me with validation (not sure if this is the right word) that he’s genuinely remorseful for his past actions and wants to be the best version of himself going forward. I can see that he’s choosing me/his family, but I’m having a hard time choosing him. I hope one day we can both choose each other.

I guess I need to continue to show myself some more grace and trust the process. I definitely think, I’m still in that "show me time" phase where I’m watching his actions and looking out for any potential red flags or "lessening"
of his efforts

Thanks for the validating thoughts Webbit. It’s comforting to know that these feelings are as normal as it gets right now - not that it makes any of this easier. I’m in the same boat in that I’m happy for his changes, but not happy (or proud) for the reasoning behind his complete 180. It’s kinda a mindfuck in a way … how do you go from being a complete POS to striving so desperately to wanting the title of "husband/father of the year."

I am only 11 weeks out but feeling the same things you are. It’s great that my WH is doing the work and showing me how important our marriage is, but where was this behavior for the past 2 years while he was spending time with her in their own little fantasy bubble and treating our marriage as disposable? The anger and the grief is all mixed up with the hope and the possibilities of rebuilding so that I never know how I’ll be feeling one moment to the next. And I have zero patience for feeling this way. It is not who I want to be right now. I know I need to be focusing on myself and doing things that are helpful for my own healing. I’m trying but I agree it’s just so exhausting and sometimes I just have to give in and wallow a bit. You are definitely not alone.

I think one of the biggest things I’m having a hard time with is the "renegotiation" of my pre-A marital contract (you know, the one where infidelity is an automatic dealbreaker).

I too am in that camp. All I can say is years later - that is the biggest mindfuck of all.

Yet...I choose to thrive.

Be gentle with yourself. Some days are easier than others. Baby steps.

Big hugs.

You cannot protect yourself against pain and heartbreak. If you do you are living a life with no emotion.

Face the fear! Recognize that yes, you can get hurt.

But there are things you can do to protect yourself in case the cheating happens again or you decide you are not happy.

Have an exit strategy - even if it’s just a plan in your mind.

Financially protect yourself. Bank account's - have one in your own name. Have access to copies of important documents.

Know that even if the cheater cheats again, you will not be completely devastated and have the confidence to know you will survive it.

Heartbrokenwife23 -

Thank you Oldwounds. I definitely have felt and had the confidence (honestly, since Dday and prior to it) that I would be fine with or without my WH and/or my M - it’s a nice feeling to have. I’ve never been the type of person to "rely" on someone else for my happiness or success.

Some folks never make it to the place you’re in — a very healthy sense of self. Nothing good about infidelity, but it does allow us a chance to reset and figure out what we really want out of life (not just the M).

My ability to be good without anyone was actually one of the original blame-shift from my wife’s previous justifications, "I didn’t think you needed me."

True, I don’t need anyone, but I did want to be with and around my wife, assuming she wanted the same.

As for husband of the year that you are observing, I do think SOME people need to fail hard and fall hard in order to force the growth and changes needed. One MC, who I didn’t end up hiring, asked me, "If your wife can now become the best version of herself, would you want to miss out on that?"

My answer was, "maybe."

I certainly don’t like being the collateral damage of someone’s learning curve.

You take all the "show me" time you need and then some. Proving to be a safe person may not be enough for you, which, is totally fine.

I think I like that my wife appreciated a last chance she didn’t think she deserved and has made the most of it. In my case, after I jumped back in, it really has (finally) become the relationship I should have had in the first place, and I am glad I stuck around. If somehow, the wheels fall off of this thing, I am glad I gave it a shot, knowing again, I am more than fine on my own.

I guess I need to continue to show myself some more grace and trust the process. I definitely think, I’m still in that "show me time" phase where I’m watching his actions and looking out for any potential red flags or "lessening"

of his efforts

I think you are exactly where you need to be. I know there is this other nagging feeling of showing him something in return. I think many of us are so programmed to meet the other persons work or have always had some steering tendencies because of being the more emotionally mature one in the relationship. This dynamic of healing while watching and waiting is new because it feels passive, but in my opinion is often needed to regain trust and securities in the relationship.

Since I was the ws first, my experience with letting go came more from that. And while it was very different in nature I do think that the results were similiar. A lot of my built resentments came from me feeling like I had to work myself to death in order to be loved. I was a people pleaser who at some point began blaming a lot of those tendencies on my husband.

Anyway, my therpist made me start sorting my "coulds" and "shoulds". And for some time I had to stop doing my "coulds" unless it was something I was motivated to do because I authentically wanted to do it. Which there were not many that I found to be that way. Through this exercise, it offloaded many responsibilities I felt I held to our relationship and family and let me start doing things out of sincerity.

So, the way I see the results being the same is that it eventually as I recovered from people pleasing it stopped making me feel guilty when he stepped in to do some of the things he likely should have been doing. (Not in the early days after dday I mean when we got to the point of working on the marriage)

I think likely you have done more of the driving for the management of the relationship and being passive and more self involved (not in a negative way) is uncomfortable. That need to reciprocate work is ingrained from years of that.

It’s uncomfortable to change the dynamics of the pre-a marriage and this drives you to want to accelerate, reward, etc.

However, by letting him bridge the gap that has always been there you have to see that as an opportunity for him to grow. And it’s a time that offers space for the marital dynamics to shift. You will be surprised by what letting him take the wheel more will do for both of you.

I do think SOME people need to fail hard and fall hard in order to force the growth and changes needed.

I agree with oldwounds because I think that was true for me, very much so. And I needed to stand on my own two feet and learn how to make amends for that, take accountability for what needed to change and follow through on it. If my husband saved me by trying to force himself to heal faster, it possibly would have created more of a smokescreen there. I needed to learn about the pain I caused, see the damage.

And I think it’s common around here to find some bs’s worry that will cause more problems or more burdens for their ws than they can bear. And to that I have said repeatedly - tough titty. The ws is the one who has gotten unhealthy and they need to bare the burden of getting healthy and getting the skills they need to deal with the situation.

I don’t mean that in a punishing way, but the ws needs to fully deal with the fallout, and by trusting them to do so can be a vulnerable feeling especially for those who have carried more of the work in the pre-A relationship.

I hope this makes sense. So, not only give yourself grace but know that not just fast tracking through something is beneficial for reconciliation. It allows the ws to become a safer partner or to demonstrate to you they aren’t getting there, it allows you to believe again in their love and commitment, and it helps shift the dynamics to where you both do work to make the marriage as good as it can be.

You are in a natural part of the process and recognizing that’s not a comfortable spot to sit in for anyone is hopefully helpful to you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:41 PM, Tuesday, January 14th]

I don't know about 'all in'.

Before I committed to R, every issue was required a stay/go decision. After I committed to R, I met every issue with the assumption that we'd resolve it - but with the knowledge that D was available if we hit an issue we didn't resolve.

Also, we both had to start our own healing before we could R, and I knew it was possible for one or both of us to get ourselves healthy emotionally and decide we didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope that sentence makes sense.

In any case, D is always available. 'All in' always has conditions....

I certainly don’t like being the collateral damage of someone’s learning curve.

Brilliant distillation of a lot of thinking, at least for me.

I saved the comment 'forever' in the quote thread.

Alteredreality - I’m so sorry you’ve had to find SI, but it’s the best dang group to have come across as you navigate the shit storm of infidelity. 11 weeks is just barely out of the gate and I remember those first 6ish months were hell on earth and I’m trying to wrap my head around so so so many things at once … here I am at 15 months and in a more solid place (it does get better, I promise). I just have this nagging, inner "me" that keeps saying "you’re better then all of this … who cares about the efforts he’s putting in … how much do they really matter now." It’s an extremely tough thing to forgive.

Thanks Chaos. I want to thrive … truly. In many ways I am, but I’m not quite where I need to be yet, but I trust I will get there.

The1stWife - ironically enough, I already had an "exit" strategy laid out BEFORE I even found out about the A. I had (still do) a plan mapped out since my M was complete trash … sometimes I wonder if I will still follow through with my said "plan" within the timeframe when I plan(ned)?? to execute (with the discovery of WH A, it’s just another check mark on the list of his shitty shit). Oh … and I’ve had my own personal bank account I’ve kept to myself since I was 17 … there is definitely some money stashed away there. All of this does give me a bit of relief … regardless the outcome.

Oldwounds - thank you for that reminder - I suppose not everyone makes it to a place where they see their true worth and that everyone is deserving of something more/better.

My WH definitely falls into that category of needing to fail. I wholeheartedly believe he would of never pulled his head out of his ass otherwise (sometimes I think it’s still up there). I often ask myself that sane question the MC asked you - I answer it in the sane way "maybe."

I always phrase it as I’m giving him a "second chance," however, I think I like the sounds of "last chance" better - it really is more "fitting" given the situation. I definitely need some more time to adjust and keep an eye out to see the longevity and sincerity of his actions. Knowing full well (like yourself) … I will be fine either way.

Hikingout - yes … I definitely feel this sense that I should be offering him something in return for his "valiant" efforts (although I’m not sure what that is). I hate feeling like I owe him that grace, as if I should be grateful for him and his changes.

Ever since Dday I really have been letting him "take the wheel," on much of our M - it’s not on me to lead this, nor do I want too. A lot of the time I don’t really want to "work" on my M … being civil is about as good as it gets right now and as "emotional" as I want to get, which is, ironically 1000x better then how we were before.

Essentially, there are times where I do just want to hit a fast forward button. I’ve hit an intense state of emotional exhaustion obsessing over the uncertainty of everything that lays in front of me. I just don’t want to deal with it. In reality, I know that if I try to push it aside, it will pop out over and over until it’s been dealt with.

At what point did you start prioritizing the rebuild of your M? (Some days, I feel like I’m doing that, then the next day I’m not in a very "rebuilding" kinda mood). It definitely is a one step forward, five steps backwards kinda thing.

sisoon - thank you. That’s one more thing that gives me comfort … knowing that if R doesn’t work, there is always another option.

If your marriage has been "not good" for years, why do you choose to stay?

You don’t have to be in an unhappy situation - you deserve better than that. Life is too short to waste your love on someone who doesn’t love you back (or treat you well).