SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just like all of you, I never thought I would be here. My husband and I have been high school sweethearts. Besides about a 1.5 year break up in college, we’ve been together for about 17 years, 10 of which has been long distance, including now. We are both in very demanding jobs that require a lot of training/ schooling and long hours. I found out 2 weeks ago about my husband’s EA with a married co-worker. Nothing physical (hugs, kisses on cheek, held hand once) but definitely full blown emotional intimacy. Her husband found out, so mine flew into town to tell me in person. In this convo he also told me about a year ago, when he was very drunk, he felt up a girl (according to him, she laid on his lap, played with his hair etc) on a uber ride home. And lastly he also told me that when we were broken up in college, he had sex with someone and never told me.
I am so confused and hurt by all of this. The information withholding for years, both the act of physically touching someone and then being in an EA, all combined seems like a pattern? I feel like our entire relationship has been a lie. Before I found out about all of this, I thought we had a wonderful relationship. The last 1.5 years have been a bit harder (my job for more stressful) but I have never doubted our love for each other.
We will officially end the long distance in 5 months and he will be moving to where I am. I have been looking forward to this for so long but now it all feels crazy.
He is remorseful and wants to make this marriage work but I am doubting his sincerity.
He is now seeking IC and wants to do MC. I am unable to make a decision.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining our club. First, there are some posts that are pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that you may need to scroll to find. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources.

I suggest IC for you. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, they can be very helpful. Bonus points if they do infidelity betrayal trauma. Please don't do MC until you've had a chance to do some healing. There are some good ones out there, but many use the unmet needs fallacy and shift some of the blame to you. The choice to have an A is all his decision.

If you have trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds. They can be helpful during the initial discovery phase, and you won't necessarily need to be on them for long.

Hugging, kissing & hand-holding is physical. May not have been PIV sex, but it is physical.

You don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow. I would encourage you to see a lawyer for a free consult to get an idea of what D might look like. Knowledge is power. You don't have to D, but it may help you to have the knowledge.

If he's serious, then he should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short book and is a nice blueprint to help him to help you. Another recommended book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (You can read both, too.)

Sorry you're in this spot.

Thank you for your thoughtful and quick response. I tend to intellectualize and seek resources in times of crisis so I have been looking through all the posts that you suggested.
I have a therapist who has known me for the last 1.5 years who has been immensely helpful. Doing weekly therapy and getting my head on straight and gaining some clarity slowly. I love the advice of not doing MC right away, especially when I still feel so raw. I have told him that I need time which he understands. Giving myself grace to feel all the feelings for now.
I will check out those books as well.

Ditto to what Lea has said.

Chances are quite high that he is minimizing the degree of his physical affair. Unfortunately very common and textbook.

Take care of yourself first. He figured out how to cheat on you, he can figure out how to reconcile if that is what you want.

I’m sorry you are here.

welcome to the last place you wanted to find. But we all understand what you are going through,

First, know that his cheating is 100% on him. It was his choice.

This is going to be a big ugly roller coaster of emotions for a long time. Generally wisdom here is 2-5 years to heal. You will not feel like you do now, but it takes a long time to recover from this, whether your Reconcile (R) or Divorce (D). So be good to yourself. Take care of your body and mind. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, avoid drugs/alcohol, exercise daily, and get enough sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety, see your doctor.

And be aware that there may be more to what happened. We have seen MANY MANY times that WS (wayward spouses) tend to minimize their activities— they want to tell the Betrayed Spouse (BS) the minimum that they can and still say the "confessed". I’m not saying it is true in your case, but often when two grown adults have the means … well. Just know that it is a possibility.

It may be a little gift that for you that you are not in proximity. This gives you the time and space to work through this. I understand that it likely will be difficult that you can’t monitor his whereabouts, but it gives you the breathing space you need. Please see a lawyer or three to understand what D might look like. Not to file. - just to educate yourself. By getting the facts, you will not make decisions based on fear. He does not need to know you did this. Also take a look at finances - make sure he has not been spending marital funds on his activities.

And glad to hear you are in IC. Use this time to explore what YOU want from a marriage, for yourself. What will make you feel safe.
Someone to talk to IRL is really helpful, as is journaling. Keep posting here, too.

What is he doing to help you feel safer? Is he looking to move closer to you sooner? Even if he has to change jobs? What ACTIONS is he taking to help fix himself? Do not fall into the trap where you do the solving- he needs to drive the recovery bus. Just focus on you.

Trust that you will get through this- because you will. It hurts terribly, but you are going to be okay.

I think you should talk to the other spouse if you haven’t already. The flying home seems like damage control to me. I hope there isn’t, but there may be more to the story. I think it’s a positive that he told you about something he’s guilty about that you would have never found out about.

My dad was a serial cheater. He once told me to never take a job with lots of travel if I wanted to have a good marriage. I was 12 at the time and didn’t understand why he told me this nugget of wisdom. Proximity doesn’t prevent infidelity, but a distance seems to be a breeding ground for it.

Maybe this is too much too soon for this post. If you had full blown emotional intimacy with someone and were holding their hand, hugging them, how far off would sexual intimacy be? That part of you post made me suspect he gave you the beginning of trickle truth and there’s more to the story. I hope I’m wrong.