SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lately, I’ve been having more of a difficult time being around my WH. He’s been annoying me lately with comments such as …

"Our marriage is going to be better than it ever was … now we have the tools."

"They wouldn’t make books and there wouldn’t be counsellors for infidelity if it wasn’t possible to recover and rebuild a better marriage."

"Thousands of marriages survive infidelity and can be happy again."

Like, STFU. His "optimism" is kinda sickening and disturbing … sometimes I think he has a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction.

Because if he says it often enough you will believe it and then he won't have to work so hard.

Based on your other posts, my guess is that he can feel that you're not very invested in being married to him, and he remembers how shit the marriage was in the days before he cheated and that you were already almost gone. My bet is that he's trying to sell you on R.

I get it, though. I used to get irritated when my H would say things like "I hate that I hurt you, but if that's what it took to get us here..." STFU, Pollyanna.

Like, STFU. His "optimism" is kinda sickening and disturbing … sometimes I think he has a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction.

This actually made me laugh.

And of course, I get that it makes you vomit as well

It would be very difficult to deal with such a chipper attitude from a FWS. "Look honey, I know I destroyed you and put you in a full-body cast, but those titanium rods in your legs will last forever!"

nothisfriend

He knows I’m not that kind of person. I’m not one to easily be persuaded or manipulated into thinking one way or another. I don’t think he has any issue with digging deep and putting in the work, but his seemingly over the top optimism on what "our future" could look like is hard to stomach. Especially, when I don’t see the same vision … I’m hoping as healing progresses I get a clearer picture. I’m just not there yet.

ScaredSoul33

He definitely knows (now) how checked out I had become. This having been an eye-opener is an understatement. He knows there is no manipulation antics or selling of anything with me. I’m not really sure what I’m needing from him at this point … maybe I associate his optimism as a form of rugsweeping … maybe he really is doing his best to not give up and he needs that "positive reinforcement" as a means of personal support and motivation to strive to be a better human.

Yes. Comments like what your H has said irk me and make me do the dreaded eye roll.

JimBetrayed62

Glad I could make you laugh! I’m a humorous type person and in the darkest of situations I still will try to make "light of" things when it’s appropriate.

Exactly though … your analogy is spot on. Sometimes I wish he would take extra time to think about the message he is trying to convey before speaking. He’s not the best with words (I know this so I try to keep that in mind), but much of what he says and my interpretation vs. what he actually means are completely different. We get into this cycle of miscommunication and misinterpretation … which leads to frustration.

Jeez there are alot of ways to look at this. I believe that truly optimistic people operate that way because they have a sense of gratitude. They are positive because they are greatful. With that said I don't think it's all that common for truly greatful or optimistic people to cheat. Truly optimistic people or greatful people tend to be able to fill up their own cup if you will. I also tend to belive that optimistic people are attachment secure.

On the flip side what are some of the common understood characteristics about cheaters. They tend to have resentments and in many cases cast full blame on others for those resentments. They tend to be a little more cynical and less trusting. They lean towards being more anxious. And it's widely understood that many have an avoidant attachment. Most cite some void and resentments as the cause for their affair. I don't believe their is alot of true optamizim in the unfaithful. But they can often lean into blind optamizim - just look at how many chase the dream of a great life with their AP with blind optamizim.

Hope can fuel optamizim as-well and hope is never a bad thing. But it can drive blind optamizim.

It's unlikely that your husband has quickly transformed his outlook on life and attachment style to a truly optimistic person. So I would say some cynicism on your part is warranted. However his hope very well could be honest. You giving him a second chance could be met with some real gratitude again adding fuel to the hope. If he's truly changing he do all the real work that is required to heal himself and help you heal.

It could be coming from fear. Scared to death he destroyed you and the M. It's possible he's truly remorseful and just doesn't communicate well.

I have friends that suffer from depression and need to constantly speak affirmations to themselves just to keep from spiraling down. Perhaps this is what he's doing.