SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One year since discovery. When my therapist told me about two weeks later that I should let a year pass before deciding whether to stay or leave, my first thought was: There’s no way I can endure this pain for that long. And yet — I’m still here.

A year ago, I literally found the smoking gun — a romantic voice message the OW had recorded for my WH for Christmas. A nightmare lasting 7 minutes and 46 seconds that stripped me — only 20 months after our wedding — of every illusion I may have had.

My WH was away on a business trip that day and immediately found somewhere else to stay. It would take another eight months before he returned to our shared home.

I experienced everything that others here describe too: admitting only what could no longer be denied, destroying evidence, trickle truth…

What helped me enormously — and I’m not saying this applies universally — was:

* complete no-contact with the OW

* we both started individual therapy very quickly (psychodynamic therapy for him, to get to the root causes)

* his credible assurance that the OW had never been in our house; by finding another place to stay himself, our home was able to remain my safe space

* toward the end of the first two weeks, new details came to light; after I told him I could not continue under those circumstances, he finally came completely clean; to this day, nothing else has surfaced

* he answered every question I had — all the disturbing details I needed

* full transparency about his whereabouts, open phone, open social media accounts; after three months, the OW contacted him again, and he showed me immediately and coordinated his response with me

* he withdrew from every social group in which we used to spend time together with the OW

* no one-on-one meetings with women (only in the presence of a third person)

* he left it to me to decide when, where, and how often I wanted contact with him during the first weeks and months

* I shared my story with everyone from whom I hoped to receive support

* he took it upon himself to inform our mutual friends

* since he moved back into our house, I have had my own room where I can retreat whenever things become too overwhelming for me

* we signed a postnuptial agreement and agreed to a waiver of inheritance rights

And most importantly:

He is doing the work for himself and on himself (not for me and not for the OW); that is my best safeguard. And I can see that he is trying out new behaviors that are having a positive effect on our relationship and the way we interact with each other

So yes, D-day was sad. But I feel that this event stripped me down to the core of who I am. And that resilient core will endure — no matter what happens. In therapy, I’ve learned a great deal about myself, about my own behavioral patterns in relationships, and how they have harmed me.

A long road lies ahead of us. Trauma takes a long time to heal. But intense flashbacks and dark days are also interspersed with new, good moments. And as long as that remains the case, I am giving us a chance.

[This message edited by 7m46s at 3:13 PM, Tuesday, May 19th]

Very nice update.

And I say that, not because of the trauma — but because you are well ahead of where I was after year one. You have set your boundaries and started strong on a healing path.

And that resilient core will endure — no matter what happens.

It appears you also found your inner badass self sooner than I did too. That’s a really good thing.

While healing is NOT linear, you have illuminated your path to keep moving forward. To me it shows you will continue to endure the tougher days while aiming for better, regardless of how the M turns out.

@7m46s

Thank you for sharing this. May I ask how many of the changes were initiated by him vs you having to ask for them? Totally ok if you are uncomfortable sharing.

I remember thinking the same thing, I kept reading 3-5 years and I thought there is no way I am doing this for that long. I am almost to 2 and a half. We set boundaries like you explained, he quit the job he was at with her and there has been no contact and complete openness since d day.

I wish I could tell you it isn’t still hard but it is, the betrayal is a feeling I don’t think you can make go away but you can work on trust and getting back to enjoying things together and living life. Take it one day at a time, give each day what you can and if that is nothing then don’t feel bad about it.

My only advice is set boundaries, not rules. He isn’t your child and I told him soon after, this was not his second chance it was his only chance and it isn’t even guaranteed right now but I won’t police him. I did check his phone a lot in the beginning and still do every once in a while and we have always had life 360 but he never met up with his OW, but don’t get obsessed with making sure he is doing right. Let him get obsessed with treating you right.

Beachkoala

May I ask how many of the changes were initiated by him vs you having to ask for them?

Therapy, no contact with the OW, staying away from our home, leaving certain social circles, full transparency - all that was his initiative. On top of that he kept asking me what I needed in order to even be able to give us a chance. It was then that I asked for some of the other things (e.g. no one-on-ones with other women).

Like everyone else here, we run into challenges along the way that come from the outside (for example, certain social situations). In those moments, I notice that it can sometimes be hard for him to see things from my perspective. But we’re usually able to talk it through pretty well. Based on that, he has consistently chosen a path that felt right and supportive to me in handling a specific situation. I consider it legitimate that he doesn't always intuitively come to the right conclusion; at the end of the day, we are still two different people.

Emotionalaffair24

My only advice is set boundaries, not rules. He isn’t your child and I told him soon after, this was not his second chance it was his only chance and it isn’t even guaranteed right now but I won’t police him. I did check his phone a lot in the beginning and still do every once in a while and we have always had life 360 but he never met up with his OW, but don’t get obsessed with making sure he is doing right. Let him get obsessed with treating you right.

You are absolutely right: control is not a foundation. And I am under no illusion that there still wouldn’t be ways for him to do it again if he chose to. That is what I meant when I spoke about my "resilient core": I keep my attention on myself and on my own healing. I watch how he behaves far more closely than I listen to what he says.

And I can actually feel my own behavior changing. In the beginning, my fear made me very controlling. Now I think: if he takes an opportunity like that again, then he’s beyond saving anyway. The motivation has to come from him, not from me.