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For the first time since DDay I have had thoughts / doubts that maybe I should have not disclosed. There was zero chance my wife would have ever find out as the affair was 20+ years ago and only the AP and I know. We have not been in contact in 20 years. We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of DDay and that might be a contributing factor to the rough stretch we are having. We both had IC today and neither seemed to go very well. I totally get that healing is not linear, but days like today make me feel like we are not going to make it.

In my IC session I expressed my doubts that I did the right thing by disclosing because my wife is just totally broken right now. Although I tell myself that me not disclosing would have saved her the pain, I know my doubts are because I want to avoid the shame and guilt that I have to work through. I remember being in really bad shape last year at this time as I prepared to disclose and know that I would have likely emotionally disconnected completely as a defense mechanism from a nervous breakdown had I not disclosed, but on days like this that seems like such the easier path.

Not sure where to go with this, but had to put it in writing and see if others have had doubts about their progression during reconciliation. I told my IC that physically I am in the best shape I have been in decades. I was in pretty bad shape a year ago and still using pot daily, overweight, dependent on bupernorphine, etc. I have been on a clean diet, exercising, lifting weights, etc. and my last dexa scan showed huge body recomposition progress. Although this required work, it was easy to follow a pretty simple formula (i.e. caloric deficit, lots of protein, daily exercise, strength training program, etc) and every week I could see progress. I was lamenting how much more difficult the healing process / mental health aspect is. I feel like we are following the standard checklist of what we should be doing, but some weeks feel like huge steps backwards (would be like expecting to lose five pounds and finding out that you are 10 pounds heavier).

Maybe I am just looking for some hope in the fog of hopelessness I am feeling by hearing from others who had a similar journey.

Do you remember that thread about keeping secrets?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/666843/keeping-secrets/

I truly believe that you did the right thing with disclosure. I understand, as well as I can, why you're now questioning that choice. But, you know, it's too late now.

We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of DDay and that might be a contributing factor to the rough stretch we are having.

Rest assured that for your wife this is a BFD. For most of us, the first antiversary is extremely difficult, very painful, and a massive trigger. Your best bet here as this day approaches is to match her energy as well as you can. If she withdraws, give her space. If she falls apart on the floor, get down on the floor with her. If she rages, take the heat. If she seeks to escape the day, make it special for her. IOW, play close attention to the clues as well as you're able. No assumptions or expectations. Wing it!

...my wife is just totally broken right now.

Two to five years, brother. That's how long it takes people to heal.

What is she doing to help herself?

Hi feelingverylow,

I am sorry you are going through this fog of hopelessness.
If you read my last post, I had several weeks like this. Last week we were even starting in-house separation as a first step towards D. By that point I felt completely numbed and paralysed. Somehow, when all hope was lost, we managed to take a little positive step. And now hope is back again (I don't know for how long, but as they often say on SI, recovery is not linear). There is a reply to my post from Evolvingsoul. I found it really encouraging and wise. Perhaps it might help you a little as well.

It's hard. But you did the right thing, and deep down, you know that. I know witnessing the devastation of the BS is devastating in itself, especially when we are the cause.

But... your character is clean now. You are an honest person. You have aligned with your morals by disclosing. Your wife has the truth, she has agency, she can make her own choices. Despite all the pain that this has caused, this is invaluable.

I guess right now you are 100% focused on your wife's pain. But focus on yourself for a little bit only, and think about what you have done:

- You could have not disclosed anything. "Get away with murder". Let's be honest, this is probably what majority of waywards do. You have decided to do the right thing. To take accountability for your actions. You decided to put your wife's right to know above your own "easy-escape". You were ready to pay the consequences of your actions. You are dealing with them right now. You are investing time, resources (including financially) to right your past behaviour.

This is admirable.

I know ultimately we are the waywards and we are "simply" dealing with the consequences of our despicable behaviour. Not much glory in that. But if you look inward only to see how your character has changed (from dishonest to honest)... You can be proud of that.

This is what fuels me in the toughest moments. I am not that person anymore. I am better now. I want to redeem. I am redeeming.

I hope you navigate this rough days / weeks.

I wish you all the very best.

Take care

I think this is normal and I don’t necessarily think you feel this way to avoid shame. I think you genuinely love your wife and it’s difficult to see her in this pain.

I think you should have this exact conversation with her. Sharing feelings is part of the process and I find when I am lingering in something just saying it can help move towards progress. Understanding each others inner world can be very helpful.

It might also be a good time to try and take weekend trips, plan date nights, and other things as a time for the two of you to take breaks and remember what you are fighting for, get to know each other again and bond.

Ask her how she would like to spend the anniversary of dday. What she might find helpful. Does she want to have space that day and be with friends or on her own? Would she like to spend time with you? What can you do to make it a less horrible day.

Discouragement is part of the process, you have to sort of learn to look for the silver linings and I found a daily gratitude practice helped me gain balance and also gave me the beginning of having enough balance to be his soft place to land.

Thanks for the replies. We actually took a long walk last night (something we had been doing quite a bit before the weather got really warm). The walks were always a good triggering mechanisms for us to really talk about things and that has been less frequent since we stopped doing those.

We talked about how hard things are right now and agreed it is likely a convergence of DDay coming up as well as a recent gathering we had with some of our friends from business school (graduated 25 years ago) that served as a trigger for my wife as 1) it was shortly after graduating that the affair started and 2) listening to all the updates from the "happy couples" when she is dealing with this (ie when we would get together in the past her updates would have been coming from a place where we were a happy couple). She has always been honest to a fault so does not do well when she has to fake something (only two of her closest friends are aware she is dealing with this and both are in a different friend group). It is definitely triggering and brings lots of the underlying issues to the surface.

Despite how rough things are, my wife did say she thinks she and we are making progress. She does not have the same physical / visceral reaction when things come up and she does not think about things as frequently. In IC, my therapist thinks getting through the DDay anniversary and not having a new first every month (i.e. March was when the affair started, she was often out of town with the kids in July so I spent lots of time with AP and that is when overnight trips happened, etc.). The hope is that those types of triggers will be less painful after navigating them for the first time this year.

As far as how we are going to spend DDay, my wife suggested we go away for the weekend. She did not want to be home as that is where the disclosure happened, but did say she wanted to be with me (and I am so grateful for this as I would have had difficulty navigating that anniversary solo). We are going to a place that has no historical significance so it will not have any memories associated with it (other than we will always remember it going forward as where we went on the first anniversary of DDay). I am preparing for a range of emotions (from both of us, but my focus will be on her emotions) that weekend and know it will be rough.

As far as the decision to disclose. I know it was the right thing to do. Our marriage would have become an empty shell had I tried to maintain the secret so I was willing to risk the marriage on the hopes that we could rebuild a relationship that would be a net positive from where we were. Just really hard when you are in the depths of the rebuilding phase with no assurance that the finished product will be what you hope.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Great update!

I commend you for posting when it’s hard because I think not only does it help you sort through your feelings—it shows others insights to what it all looks like. It’s up and down for a long while.

You might wince when I say this but I am proud of you! And one day maybe you won’t wince and feel proud of yourself and who you have become as well.