SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again, posting here asking for insight.

It's been 3 months since D-day, and for those 3 months, I've been trying my best to not be that person that would do that again to someone I love. I know progress isn't linear, especially for patterns and behaviors that I've been used to doing for so long, but I feel like a piece of crap every time I attempt to change something in me that should have been addressed long ago, and then failing to maintain the momentum that I've started

Over the course of those 3 months, I've reconnected a bit with my now ex, and while we're still not together, she told me when she stayed over that I was a good person, that I have the capacity to be good, and I just got lost along the way. And believe me, I bawled. A lot. And I'm trying my best to prove that even though right now, I believe I don't deserve that love right now, I'm gonna try my damn best to at least say to myself at some point that I don't have to push her away just because she deserves better. I want to be better, for her. That much, I can say confidently.

And yet I still manage to push her away. She tries to initiate conversation, and yet I reply with very dry replies, all in an effort to make her sick of me because I don't know how to move past the shame of hurting her that badly. And yet at the same time, I can't even say that I don't need her anymore, because I do, and yet my actions show her otherwise.

For those who really did regret doing what they did, how do you not let shame hinder you from being a good person and making it up with your partner if you really want to rebuild the relationship?

Something that may point you in the right direction is attachment work.

Find Thais Gibson’s YouTube channel and use the assessment on her website to get an idea of your attachment style. She will have videos about that attachment pattern. Heidi Priebe also has a lot of excellent material on attachment, shame, avoidance, and the dynamic you’re describing.

What you wrote about wanting to be better for her, but then pushing her away because you believe she deserves better, is exactly the kind of pattern attachment work can help you understand. Shame can become toxic. It can cause you to withdraw, stonewall, shut down, or push someone away, and it can become another source of avoidance.

Lauren LaRusso also has some good material specifically aimed at unfaithful partners and the work of understanding why they behaved the way they did.

I obviously do not know enough about you from one short post to tell you what your attachment style is, but what you describe sounds like it could fit fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment. If you want to watch a few things before taking an assessment, that may be a useful place to start.

Thank you for the recommendations! I think you nailed the attachment style I have right now. It sucks and I'm trying to move my way past it

Hey smoky brother.

I miss the full picture so I ask

Why are you still in contact with your ex girl?

I assume she is ex because you have been unfaithful.

To be ex means to me it is over between you two. You are going on with your life eventually finding different women. She is going on with her life eventually bonding with other men.

That’s what ex means. Your lives are no longer connected, they used to be and now they are split. Two parallel or divergent lines that will never meet again. The wound that split them in the middle will ensure so.

However from what you wrote I feel that she is still emotionally connected with you.
You might not share the bed and your bodies right now, but she sure is trying to keep an emotional channel open.

Why is that?

This is not good for her or for you.
You already noticed some dysfunctional reactions you have and praise to you for becoming aware of unresolved issues you must address.

From the bits you shared though, she feels like a wounded woman but also feels clear she still has feelings.

What is the plan brother?
Do you want to try to work it out and see if you can both heal and reconcile or do you want to heal separately and find someone else with who to start a fresh, untainted relationship as healed people so it will be free from infidelity?

Those are the two most healthy options you guy have.
Staying in the middle is no good. Is no man’s land and a foul place to be:

You will be stuck in the shame cycle and still kept fed some kind of validation from her which will tickle your character flaws (and I wonder how aware you are about your current situation with validation cravings and self worth: are you over that or is still lingering below the surface? Did you do the work?).
She will be stuck in limbo between the pain of adultery and the limerence for the lost relationship and her feelings for you.

That can very well create codependency, which is toxic for you both.

Did you try to break it down and look at what is going on in this light?

You have been heard

I've been trying my best to not be that person that would do that again to someone I love.

It's probably easier to live with a goal of doing something that's right than trying to avoid doing something wrong.

IOW, when considering options, it's probably more effective and efficient to ask questions like:

Which of these options help me be the person I want to be?

Which of these options would I be proud of myself for choosing?