SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me (42), Met my other half (44) in 2013 at work. We got married in 2015. From the beginning of the marriage, there was a lack of intimacy, despite this we were best of friends. Over the years I have discovered him accessing porn websites, instead of joining me in bed, messaging porn stars on Twitter, sending his exes messages asking for bikini pictures. Each time I made a discovery, he was minimise it, but it made me more paranoid each time. I guess he just got better at hiding things. I didn't think it was enough to make me leave. I always suspected he had probably slept with someone else behind my back, but I had never found evidence of this.

We have had 2 children following several rounds of IVF (aged 3&6). We have bought a home together, travelled the world together and have made a life.

Last year, Nov 25, I found secret twitter (X) accounts where he had been messaging porn stars. This prompted me to give one final warning. Therapy or I'm out.

He sought out a couples counsellor after much prompting from me. We started in May 2026. I had literally been begging for affection and intimacy during the sessions. We both kept talking about how much better things have been between us since the couples therapy. More intimacy, more affection and just understanding each other better.

But my world turned upside down on 14th October 2026. He left his laptop open by accident, and I saw the most awful Watsapp pictures and messages. Sexting, pictures of his penis in someone else's mouth (a uni friend, someone he has known for 20 years). I was livid. I confronted him during a counselling session 2 days later, because I thought if I confront him without a witness, he will somehow find a way to gaslight me.

Initially he said it was a one time thing. However, I found her husband on Facebook and called him. He confronted her, and she admitted it has been going on since July 2025. my WH had got in touch with her and tried to convince her to stick to the story of it being a one time thing. She admitted the truth when confronted. Whilst my WH continued to lie after lie.

I threw him out of the house. But we have young children together, so he has to remain in my life. I still love him. But I'm broken, shattered, and can't see myself ever trusted him (or any other man) again.

He says this is the first times he has faced consequences (me throwing him out), he has finally taken accountability (after spending three weeks blaming me, his affair partner, and even our marriage counsellor at one point). He says he is changing, he is going to therapy, finding healthy coping mechanisms for stress (instead of porn) and can I just give him time to change and that this can't be the end.

I want to believe him, my children miss him so much, but my heart just can't go back there.

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Above your post is a post written by the SI staff titled "Newbies... Important Information - Please Read". Please read this post over and over.

Also, this site has a Healing Library... link at the top of this page. It has good articles for those who just found out.

From what I understand using pornography can become a very hard habit to break. Some call it an addiction. On top of that is the recent cheating. I am not saying he can't change, but he has a long way to go in order to become a safe partner for you.

Good luck to you.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

I highly suggest your husband meet with an SA (sex addiction) therapist for an evaluation. He has been acting out for years, there is a high probability he won't change, but a slim chance he will.

Right now I would not make any decisions, and IMO you are right to ask him to leave. His actions will speak louder than words, he has gaslit you so many times in the past, his words are meaningless. He is a master at keeping his darker side secret.

I suggest you find an individual counselor for yourself, put the marriage counseling on hold, the marriage isn't broken, he is. You need someone you can trust to guide you through this trauma.

I am not sure, but I think there is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for members married to sex addicts (not saying he is). The thread may not be current, but you can glean some insight from members who have walked in your shoes.

Again, so sorry.

Thank you lrpprl, I have read the post you suggested and it is very helpful

Thank you annb, couples therapy has been stopped. The therapist who I built a very good relationship with has agreed to stay on as my individual therapist - initially it was a bit difficult to get her out of the couples therapy mindset, but since I told her she has to focus on me, she has done so and our sessions are very helpful to me.

I think my WH is undergoing his own therapy - which he needs to do for himself and to be a better father to our children, regardless of what happens with him and I.

I obviously still love him but I can't see past this and don't want to ever feel the way I did when I saw all those messages/explicit pictures. I am in self preservation mode now.

I know you still love him. Those feelings don't just evaporate overnight. I also think you have a pretty solid mindset and you're taking some proper steps to take care of you, which is exactly what you should be focused on right now.

The depth and lengths your husband has gone to deceive you and hide what he's been doing are pretty extreme. He's far from safe right now. Don't listen to anything he says because his words are meaningless at this point. Actions are everything, and I don't mean just his actions in the moment. You need to see sustained, consistent actions over time. He may change and become safe again, but I fear that's likely a long ways away.

I know you probably don't feel like it, but you're handling this very well. You took some very good, solid steps toward getting yourself out of infidelity and you should be proud of yourself for the strength you've shown. It's not easy to stand up for yourself when you've been blindsided by the destruction of your world and your feet are swept out from under you like this. For most of us it's the worst experience of our lives.

Stay strong, have faith in yourself, and keep posting here. There's a great group of folks here who've been through,or are going through something similar. There's a wealth of collective experience here you can learn from and lean on. Post as often as you want. Ask any questions, or even just vent if you need to.

Welcome to the club no one ever asks to join. I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but you will find great support from this community.

I threw him out of the house.

Good call.
Remove yourself from the abuser, is always a safe option.

But we have young children together, so he has to remain in my life. I still love him.

That’s part of infidelity fallout and sad. You would never consented if you were knowing who he truly is.

I know you love him, is natural because your feeling we’re honest. It takes time to fully realize what happened and understand that he chose to be unworthy of your love, and refused to change.

But I'm broken, shattered, and can't see myself ever trusted him (or any other man) again.

Also normal feeling. You feel that, I felt that, very likely we are in the majority of people who feel exactly like this, once the trust is broken and the attachment is wounded.

But the wound is in our attachment, not in the others. Truth is the majority of people are not cheaters. Cheaters are fairly common but still a fraction of the population.
People who are secure about themselves, that feel worthy, that love themselves, they are not infidelity material.

Being unfaithful is a very horrible cope to unresolved issues that create specific character flaws in a person.

Most people don’t cope to life issues in that way, through deception and abuse. They respond in a more healthy way. Open and honest.

He says this is the first times he has faced consequences (me throwing him out), he has finally taken accountability (after spending three weeks blaming me, his affair partner, and even our marriage counsellor at one point). He says he is changing, he is going to therapy, finding healthy coping mechanisms for stress (instead of porn) and can I just give him time to change and that this can't be the end.

I want to believe him, my children miss him so much, but my heart just can't go back there.

He is a liar. That’s what he shown you to be.

When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.

What have you seen, the porn, the adultery, the deception, it is the real version of him. The one he worked very hard to become, putting into this time, effort, energy and consistency to embrace and embody.

Just think how much energy you need to put into lying everyday to a person living all the time next to you, while seeking for sexual intimacy undercover, indulging in it, keeping it hidden, creating cover stories, creating situations and opportunities…. Having to remember every single lie and create a false story to keep it hidden from you every single time…

It’s really not a small undertaking, if it sounds exhausting is because it is.

While you invested energy into love and relationship and family, this is where he poured his energy into.

And that’s the dance he wants to have you dance.
You loved him. He manages you.

And this last bit sounds like him finding a perfect hook to manage you.

He doesn’t feel remorseful, he feels manipulative. He doesn’t regret the abuse just yet, he feels the shame of having been caught and now he is trying to get you into his comfort zone, so that he can continue abusing you once you are perfectly managed and he feels he dodged the consequences of his choices.

Unless a cheater is ready to crawl naked over broken glass at the realization of the horror they chose to inflict upon you, never take it back.

Nobody ever reconciled with a cheater. You can only reconcile with a person that changed to the point that they feel disgusted at the mere idea of infidelity.

You have been heard

Thank you BackfromtheStorm

This is a really helpful post.

He was around last night to spend time with the children. I gave him the rest of his clothes to take with him and he actually started shouting and calling me unreasonable for expecting him to take all his belongings from my bedroom. I am unreasonable?? He was obviously very upset now that the realisation is hitting him. He probably expected me to be angry for a few weeks then to get over it. Which obviously has not happened.

He called me stubborn for not backing down from my decision. Accused me of not putting the children's best interests at heart. It was awful as my 3&6 year old were there, he was crying, they were inconsolable. I had to be strong and emotionally regulated for my children. I told him we could discuss things when he had calmed down and the children were not around. But it was such an awful thing for my children to witness.

He shouted at you in front of the kids? God, I am sorry TK1984.

It’s my understanding that porn addiction take a very long time to break. Extensive porn usage re-wires the brain somehow, interfering with normal intimacy. I don’t know a whole lot about it, but my wife and I have been discussing it as our son is now 15 and we have to worry about it for him.

That said, your WH has been cheating for a long time. Messaging porn stars on Twitter is one thing, but asking exes for pictures is flagrant. And his A lasted for over a year, and would still be ongoing had he not been caught.

I’ll add to what BFTS wrote:

Just think how much energy you need to put into lying everyday to a person living all the time next to you, while seeking for sexual intimacy undercover, indulging in it, keeping it hidden, creating cover stories, creating situations and opportunities…. Having to remember every single lie and create a false story to keep it hidden from you every single time…

There’s another side of it too. There must have been hundreds of times where what he really wanted to do was text with his AP, or just masturbate to some porn star, and yet there you were. Annoying him, him being like why won’t she just go to bed, or leave me alone, or just give me some privacy. Right? All this crap he was doing was generating negative emotions in him towards you and your marriage.

This is quite a statement, huh:

Accused me of not putting the children's best interests at heart.

Can he think of anyone else who’s actions weren’t in the best interest of the kids?

In all seriousness, I think you should consider this a major red-flag. He should be begging for another chance, not browbeating you for imposing the very natural and obvious consequences of having an A for over a year.

You should see an attorney. Seeing an attorney does not commit you to any path of action, but it does give you information. It will give you a sense of what D would look like for you, so that can factor into your decision-making. And if his anger escalates, you may need to seek legal protection, like a restraining order.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 1:01 PM, Monday, November 9th]