I'm a believer in the theory that a LOT of BS's go into a fog of our own after D-Day... at the time we make choices that seem like the right thing...but down the road we look back and realize that we sold pieces of our soul. -roadscholar

18 Years Later - What I wish I'd done then

Hey All,

Amazed to see this website still running. Amazed I remembered my UserID!

My D-Day was Labor Day Monday, 2006. Married 14 years with 3 kids.

AP was 10-year-old daughter's best friend's single dad.

Back then, I consumed everything I could from this website, and I would rank my story in the top 10 of awfulness. It was that ugly and humiliating. SI was a great asset, and I would give it credit for saving my sanity, if anyone asked.

However, at the time, I was willing to do anything to save my nuclear family, and my kids, from what I knew would be a disaster situation.

Fast Forward to now. We didn't divorce. Kids are grown and all have promising careers and/or futures. However, my marriage is non-existent. We are friendly, like one would be to a co-worker, but that's it, even though we still share the same bed.

WW felt bad...but not for years later. She moped for years about her former boyfriend, even after we'd moved to a different country to escape the scene of the crime. There was never an emotional reconnection. Intimacy is perhaps once every few years. Haven't been kissed in 18 years. It's sad, really.

In hindsight, I should have made a clean break. Taken the financial hit. Started a new life.

At the time, I was 39, and I thought I was too old to start a new relationship. In reality, I was just a kid. Instead, I stuck with it, and, without exaggeration, I've thought back to that dark period every single day since. And it's been over 5,000 days. I've never gone for counselling, but I've self-diagnosed myself with PTSD....and the cause of it sleeps 3 feet away from me every night.

What I didn't understand is that, unless the remorse is immediate and deep, there is likely no chance for long term R. I'd believed it was only a matter of time. That she'd come around and sometime, perhaps on our 20th, 25th or maybe even 30th wedding anniversary, she'd write a long letter to me expressing her deep regret and her love for me....

Only in my dreams.

It's like a prison. We're civil to each other. Occasionally share a laugh. We discuss our kids frequently. But there's no emotional connection. I gave up long ago accompanying her to any social events. Why put in the effort if there was never anything reciprocal?

At the time, she told me that she had never known love until she met her AP. That she actually had never loved me, and that I was simply a rebound relationship that she took too far. At the time, I knew she was 'in the fog'. That she'd come around. 18 years later, I now believe she was telling the truth.

So....living in a Zombie marriage. The status quo is familiar and comfortable, but joyless.

I had my chance 18 years ago and blew it.

Ironically, I wouldn't be against her finding a new AP so I'd have a catalyst to finally move on....

18 comments posted: Thursday, February 29th, 2024