Did I make the right choice?
Hey internet. Something has happened that has forced me to be the most honest I've been yet with myself, and I need your unbiased thoughts.
Background
Every year or so I have a time where I end up seriously wondering if I made the right choice in staying. Most recently this past fall (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=664381&HL=35989)
If I'm being really honest, sometimes I paint a rosy picture of my situation, perhaps trying to convince myself that I made the right choice.
The truth is, at the time I made the post above, I was in therapy for myself, talking to the therapist trying to suss out why I kind of wanted to leave my marriage. Also at that time was kind of a prolonged period of feeling sort of ignored by my wife who always seemed to busy with other things for me.
When we talked about it, her first response was "I'm here aren't I?" (as in, I'm in the house). "Isn't that enough?"
She was absolutely wrapped up in her own thing. Eventually I would almost daily drive up to a nearby lake and just stare at it for an hour or two, reflecting on our entire marriage. During one of these times, I was thinking about every uncaring thing she had ever done, and I contrasted it to a friend I had long ago who helped me through a difficult time and was relentlessly kind, and I felt sick.
At times I thought to myself I would leave the marriage in November, after my nephew's wedding. For whatever reason though, the feeling passed and I am still here.
For what it's worth, here are the more uncaring things she has done over the years (roughly in order of occurrence):
* When I started to lose my hair, she specifically said I was no longer attractive because of it. (She now says I am but the original comment still upsets me simply by virtue of how uncaring it was.)
* When I applied to college, she said it was a waste of time since I would probably flunk out anyway.
* She said my family was a sinking ship.
* She generally hated sex with me.
* She had her affair.
* When my father who lived in another city was terminally ill, she was frustrated with how much time she was needing to spend away from home to support me, and at one point said something like "why can't he die faster?" before deciding to drive back home and leave me alone with my dying father. (He passed away like two days later. I still have the voicemail where she called weeping and apologizing for that statement).
More recently I think it's gotten a little better (I think?), but typically:
* There are times where I don't feel much like a priority
* For my 40th birthday, she said she was going to put something together, but at the day before my birthday told me she was too busy with other things and couldn't do it.
* There is a team sport we play together. If one of us makes a mistake that she thinks makes her look bad, she criticizes us all really harshly. She does this enough that pretty much nobody wants to play with her anymore.
The event
So that old friend and I started talking a week ago, out of the blue, with a relationship problem. Before you all jump on the MadHatter train, I told her the things she wanted to change in her marriage were valid and pointed her to a good marriage counselor. I have conducted myself with honor here.
But on the inside -- my god. She is so fricking relentlessly kind. She's never said one mean thing to me. It got me thinking that there must be others like her.
And I started thinking about my friends, all of who also have never said one mean thing to me.
Seeking an objective opinion, I met individually with my three closest friends over the weekend and simply asked them "What do you think about the way wife treats me?" (That is literally the question I asked. I'm trying to be unbiased here)
One said she was really tough (to be around).
One said she was disrespectful and contemptuous, and seems to behave as if I don't have any value.
The third said they didn't really understand why I was with her.
I'm not about to run off with this other girl. I am not that naive. But, here I am again.... did I make the right choice in staying?
Have I been lying to myself? In another bit of honestly that I don't like to acknowledge, sometimes I feel the affair was a missed opportunity to leave :(
At the same time, enough of the time I'm content -- I've stayed this long. Am I settling? Can you all help me navigate my thoughts?
14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 14th, 2025
Stayed at the cost of my own self respect?
It's been 12 years.
Something that has haunted me the last 6 or so years is the idea that I stayed with her at the cost of my own self respect. I've really kind of had this feeling to some degree since the beginning but more so in the last 6 years, and only this year was I able to put a description on it.
One of my options at the time was loyalty to her and the vows that I made. Also encapsulated in this option were the happier memories from our past, and the hopes for what I believed our relationship could still be.
The problem is that knowing the things I know, and also knowing there are things I don't know, I just have a really hard time respecting myself for staying. She was an awful partner at the time, and my decision to stay almost feels like saying "hey, it's ok that you treated me that way."
17 comments posted: Monday, September 9th, 2024
