Been gone for years, new relationship advice needed!
I'll try to make a long story short...my divorce to a serial cheater has been final for just over 3 years now. I have a new, wonderful life and feel as though I'm pretty well healed and moved on. I have a new conundrum that I would be very grateful for new perspectives on! My ex and myself had been together for 20 years since we were teens so most of our friends were mutual friends. One mutual friend I had met through my ex as they went to highschool together. Around the same time that I discovered my ex's final affair and started the divorce process this mutual friend was also going through the same situation. This was 4 years ago. This friend and I became rather good friends and helped each other through our similar situations. Over time we realized that we had developed feelings for each other and stopped the whole thing as we were both going through divorce and just decided it wasn't right. Fast forward 4 years later and we have reconnected. He is wonderful and I intend to pursue a relationship with him. It is long distance now and we have plans to spend a weekend together in a few weeks. My ex and I are finally at a really good co-parenting place and I don't want to mess that up but there is no way I am passing up this chance at a good thing either. Am I awful for going after this? How and when should I break the news to my ex?
4 comments posted: Sunday, November 3rd, 2024
The AP and my children
My divorce is nearing the end from a serial cheater. His last A was on and off for 3 years with the same AP(much younger girl that worked for STBWX). I stayed in limbo for 2.5 years before I filed in Oct 2020. He has our 2 children every other weekend. I have just discovered that he has introduced our children to his last AP. My 7 year old said to me yesterday that "daddy has a friend that is a girl but she is not his girlfriend, they are just friends". Of course I do not care for this girl around my children but I also accept that there is nothing that I can do about it. My concern is my ex lying to our children. Our oldest is 11 and very smart, it will certainly hurt him when he finds out who this girl really is. I am struggling with whether to let their father lie to them or tell them who this girl is.
12 comments posted: Friday, August 6th, 2021
Almost there and feeling strong!
Hello everyone! I have been reading these forums off and on since 2013 and joined in 2016 but I haven't posted much. That's a lot of years of false reconciliations and abuse. I tried everything, I played the pick me dance for years, I did and read everything online and every book I could find trying to save my marriage and "fix" myself. I even got him to join here and was so hopeful that he would get some good advice and finally wake up. He didn't, he came on here victimizing himself and making me sound like a monster. Of course most wise commenters saw right through his BS and gave him great advice but it wasn't what he wanted to hear so he picked them apart saying things like, "did you see what his name is on there? What a joke!" Or that person "cheated more than I did so it doesn't matter what they say".
Anyways, I am not sure what is pulling me back here to post and read again. I finally filed for divorce in Oct 2020. We were still living in the same home so I gave him his divorce papers myself trying to be nice, he refused to sign them. Emptied our bank account the very next morning and then was mad at me because we didnt have the money in our account to pay the bills. I was a SAHM until a month prior to filing and he decided we were splitting the bills and mortgage 50/50 and he wasn't moving out. I had to file for an emergency hearing for support and to get him to move out. I had to continue to live with him for 3 more months but he was ordered to begin paying temporary support immediately which only angered him more. We live in a no fault state so when I filed I didn't mention the cheating or the abuse because it didn't matter and I was hoping for as nice of a divorce as possible. His response to the courts was horrendous and made me sound like the biggest piece of garbage so that ended quickly. Since filing he has fought every single thing down to the value of our internet routers dragging it out as much as possible all the while blaming the long drawn out process on me because he claims he didn't want to spend money on lawyers and we could have done it without (We have 2 kids and multiple properties so there is no way we could have done it without, even if he wasn't uncooperative). Recently he asked if we could try to reach an agreement between ourselves to end this. So on my lawyers advice we did reach a verbal agreement. Now that it is time to make the agreement legal he is fighting it because 60 days is to much time for me to get a rental property that currently has a tenant on the market. He said his "whole life is on hold waiting on me" (poor baby, always the victim) while I pick up the pieces, care for our 2 children as I have primary custody, work and manage our marital home as well as rental properties. As much work as it all is, even with our divorce battle still ongoing, as I prepare to sell everything that we worked so hard to build, as I struggle to pay the bills...I am so much happier. I feel strong and resilient and am slowly getting back to the person I was 24 years ago before this jerk walked into my life as a teenager and beat me down into a ball of mush. He still tries to manipulate me and bully me but it doesn't affect me anymore. I am so close to the other side of all of this and so excited to see what life will hold for my children and myself in the next chapter. I have learned to let go and to trust myself and my abilities. Change and growth is so hard and scary but also so amazing.
I think I just wanted to tell my story. He tells everyone that will listen that "she just decided she didn't want to be married anymore" but leaves out the serial cheating and abuse. I don't feel the need to tell anyone anything or defend myself. I will be honest when asked but prefer not bring myself down to his level I guess. Anyways, thanks for being my audience and a safe place to tell my story and share my excitement!
4 comments posted: Thursday, July 22nd, 2021
