Question for any Christians in the group

I'm a member of the found out years later club. 20 years later. After some hellacious trickle truth that put us at the brink of divorce, my wh figured out I would no longer tolerate the elephant in the room. He got into IC, he went to group therapy, he attended my therapy when asked, and he found a new church for us. He made amends, got honest, and found humility and empathy.
I struggled for a very long time to find forgiveness or empathy for him after the tt. About 3 months ago, I was sitting in church and our minister was speaking about forgiving. I had a clear picture of my wh with his head buried on Jesus' lap. As my husband cried into his robe, Jesus comforted him and looked at me in a way that let me know that he, Jesus, had forgiven my wh. It was a very powerful moment. Forgiving my wh has been surprising and ongoing.
My issue now is forgiving the ap's. I don't dwell on any of them much. One is dead. On a good day, I pray that she sought God's grace and forgiveness before she passed. She never cared about my forgiveness and I never knew of her when she was alive. Two other ap's I texted back when so they knew that I knew about them. One compared her tryst with my husband as similar to her jealousy of her now husband's ex-wife and child. She was single at the time of the affair. Her words assured me that she was not sorry and our short exchange showed me she was not changed and was damaged in some way.
The other one I made contact with...I did so not long after my mother-in-law passed. She knew my in-laws. I wanted her to know she was not welcome at the funeral. She never answered but did not show up either.
Unfortunately, I also, in my anger, told her I would always be a better person than either of them (her and wh). I have deep regret over that statement. My mom used to say..."you go to hell for lying just the same as you do for stealing." Sin is sin. I have struggled these last months with reaching out to her again and apologizing for that statement.
Our minister is big on praying for those who hurt us. You can't hate someone and pray for them at the same time. A few years after this ap's affair with my husband, she married. I was told that in the aftermath of an affair she had with her husband's uncle, her husband committed suicide. This reminds me again of how screwed up her life must've been. I have let go of my hatred of her.
I know we always recommend no contact but I'm struggling with realizing my condemnation makes me a holier than thou creep. My sin may be different but a sinner I am.
Any suggestions on resolving this?

13 comments posted: Monday, September 11th, 2023