How do you think about difficult relationships going forward?
I'm not sure exactly what my question is, so I'm happy to hear musings of all sorts.
I am about six years post-infidelity, reconciled, and I've done so much navel-gazing it might have negatively affected my posture.
(that's a joke)
The non-joke is that I've done an enormous amount of reflection, choosing to think and behave in ways that feel wrong even though I know they are right, committing to truth, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, taking others' perspectives, and the other things one has to do to climb out of the pit of infidelity. This has, of course, not only effected my relationship with my husband, but also every other relationship I have. In a good way. Some friendships have strengthened, others have withered, but all of my relationships are more intentional and true.
However
I still turn into a moody teenager around my mother. Not exactly a moody teenager - I am polite and I make small talk. I make sure to see her once a month and I'm very generous with money and whatever material thing she wants. I am sure never to say anything negative about her to my children, and I lean into saying positive things, so I don't disrupt their relationship. I basically keep complaints to my husband (who wants to help me with this) and my therapist. I genuinely want her to enjoy her life and have love and joy. I'm aware of the things that were hard for me growing up, and her role in them, and I understand some of the challenges that she faced in her life, and I practice forgiveness. A lot. I think forgiveness is something you do and re-do and re-do until your heart is settled. (side note, favorite resource, Tim Keller's Forgiveness book and sermons).
And yet
I really don't like being around her. I'm not relaxed. It would be impossible for her to not perceive it. I'm relaxed and friendly around my family and my friends (sometimes she sees me in group settings) but around her, especially one to one or with my brother, I become tense and cold and unfriendly, or perhaps it's more accurate to say someone who is trying not to act tense and cold and unfriendly. I turn into someone I wouldn't want to be around.
I don't think I'm just reacting to the past. She still sneaks in little public shamings from time to time. In the past couple of years - I was sitting with friends - not good friends, just a casual group whose daughters do an activity together - and the other moms were gossiping about a girl who was having a difficult time, drinking and sleeping around. I was alternating between not participating and saying things to divert. My mother said "she sounds a lot like you when you were that age" and I think the other moms were uncomfortable enough to finally change the subject. At a birthday brunch I was having we were talking about an upcoming trip to a foreign country, and she said "do you remember the time you were there and didn't have a place to stay and stayed with that older guy? What was that about?" Again my friends changed the subject. She doesn't bring these things up in private, and when she tries to talk about anything too personal, I have an auto-divert that takes over and the conversation is back on neutral ground without me consciously thinking about it.
I think she is not trustworthy with emotional topics. She doesn't do well in situations where there is pain. She is busy arranging that whatever is happening is not her fault and she's a good person. I've seen her do that to my own children, though I don't think it effects them terribly because they aren't particularly close to her and don't rely on her. But even if I avoid or divert emotional topics, I find myself irritated and not liking her almost all the time. I don't want to be like this but I'm not sure what to do. We spent last night together. She asked for World Series tickets. I took her and my brother and one of my kids. For a week beforehand I resolved to be pleasant. I imagined things we could talk about. But it was so uncomfortable, four hours of just sitting there wanting to be anywhere else (except for the part about being with my kid. That was great). I woke up feeling awful for not being able to behave better. I am just not sure what to do.
PS
Affected? Effected? I'm going to leave as is, some day I will figure that out.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2024
Has anyone else had this experience?
I am still slightly shaken and my IC is not around for a while so perhaps some of you have had the same experience and have some insight.
My husband has a trigger a few days ago. It doesn't happen that often - he's not triggered by dates or locations and the few things that have bothered him have been easy to remove. It was one of the unexpected out of the blue kinds - I told our pandemic puppy she was "so wonderful!" and something in the tone or the word really bothered him. I knew there was something wrong but not what it was, and did all of the stuff that helps him. I pointed out that he seemed withdrawn and that I was happy to talk when he was ready, but also gave him some space. He said (and I believe him) that it was everything I could have done. But of course sometimes it takes him time to figure out what is bothering him and for the next couple of days he was withdrawn.
Then he figured out the problem and shared the trigger with me and we talked it out, and again he said I handled that well - I know what helps him when he is upset.
He was still a bit withdrawn for a day or so after that. I knew he was still processing - so I focused on what seemed to help but not pressuring, paying attention to the kids and getting stuff done around the house (it was a crazy week logistically and he likes it when things run smoothly so he doesn't have to worry about that), etc. We had a few pleasant and superficial conversations walking the dog and at dinner and so on - I asked how he was doing and he said better but I could tell he was still a little off. I was a little shaky but I kept reminding myself that all would be well in short order and did what I needed to take care of myself. One foot in front of the other.
Then on the third morning he seemed back to normal. After all this endless amount of IC and introspection and conversation, he has a much better sense of how to be close, how to be intimate (much better than before the affair), and he went back to doing all of those things that I love so much - physical contact, stopping to touch me even when he is just walking past, concrete and specific things that he notices and likes, when he sees the effort that I make for him (like wearing all black or whatever), whispering little things, making little jokes. So he went back full speed ahead to those kinds of interactions. He was completely better. But somehow coming back to that was overwhelmingly painful. There was a moment in the kitchen that morning when he paused and gave me a kind of attention that is now normal and everyday (now, not before the affair). All I could do was keep still and quiet and let him pet me and whisper a few nice things, and when he went back to work I had to go out into the garden and blubber for a long long time. Which is just odd because it was normal interaction for us and exactly what I want, but at that moment I almost would rather have never had it than have it and have it taken away. There was a huge pull inside of me that thought - nevermind, let's just live side by side and have our adventures, but no more of that please, I really don't want to need you in that way.
Anyone else have that? I'm still resisting the urge to stay aloof. I'm not staying aloof but the urge is very strong.
17 comments posted: Thursday, October 15th, 2020
Rest in Peace Toni Morrison
I'm re-reading BELOVED in memory. Anyone else?
In the meantime, some of her quotes are remarkable, even without the context:
You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down. (Song of Solomon)
Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it. (Jazz)
Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another. (Beloved)
She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. (Beloved)
“Gimme hate, Lord,” he whimpered. “I’ll take hate any day. But don’t give me love. I can’t take no more love, Lord. I can’t carry it...It’s too heavy. Jesus, you know, you know all about it. Ain’t it heavy? Jesus? Ain’t love heavy?” (Song of Solomon)
If you're going to hold someone down you're going to have to hold on by the other end of the chain. You are confined by your own repression.
Anger ... it's a paralyzing emotion ... you can't get anything done. People sort of think it's an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling — I don't think it's any of that — it's helpless ... it's absence of control — and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers ... and anger doesn't provide any of that — I have no use for it whatsoever. (interview)
You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself.
2 comments posted: Thursday, August 8th, 2019
