Helping my bs

Hello. I was advised to come here after posting on reddit and I've been lurking since. TW: this involves suicidal ideation on the part of my BS. As well, I was hesitant about posting because we are not married and my issues might seem irrelevant compared to some other couples here.

I'm 24 and my BS is 23. On February 21st, 2020, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I ruined this amazing relationship for no fucking reason by going to a party after a heated argument between my BS and I that morning. I felt that he was spending too much time working, and he said that he was working for us and that it was unfair for me to spring that on him before he left. He messaged me while I was with my friends before the party asking me to dinner and a night in. I should have said yes but I wanted to show him that 'i wasnt just gonna be available whenever'. I went to a house party near our university campus.

I was only slightly tipsy when this guy sat beside me and talked to me. He was familiar but I didn't know his name. We eventually ended up going upstairs to his room. The entire time I had a feeling in my stomach that made me anxious. I think it was the 'little voice' people always tell you not to ignore. We kissed and I had stripped down to my bra and was taking off my pants when I was reminded of BS by something. I remember thinking about what I was going to lose and crying. I directed my anger at OM, and yelled at him as I put my clothes on and went outside. I was so angry and terrified. I had a friend waiting with me for an Uber, and she said that I shouldn't tell BS anything because I didn't DO anything. But I did, I kissed him and had intent!

I thought he didn't know and I texted him a lot on the way back to his house. He was waiting for me inside and I just felt like I wanted to cling to him like he was going to dissapear. He didn't hug me back and let me hold onto him until I calmed down enough to form a sentence. (This is important for later because it proves he does care about me.) Once I told him everything, he thanked me for telling him and said we were done. He said he regretted ever dating me and that really hurt. I was such a brat, I begged and pleaded instead of listening to him that night and he had to yell at me to leave.

We exchanged different items, and I kept pursuing him and taking any chance I could to try and convince him to take me back. He ended up storming out of my apartment and telling me that he was going to cut me off if I didn't get therapy/help. He was so mad that he left a $80 sweatshirt behind. What angered him was that I offered to pay him back for all the dates we went on so that he would regret dating me less. This was such a dumb idea but that's the kind of thing that my stupif brain was coming up with att.I did end up talking with a counselor and only got in two sessions before we had to lock down cuz of covid. I told him I was still going to do phone or video sessions because i wanted to show him I respected his wishes.

Over the lockdown, I did a lot of introspection and had the time to really process what I was learning about myself through therapy. I knew that my ex was hooking up with a few women. That really hurt, but we were still in contact occasionally. I knew that living in his condo all alone must suck and feel really claustrophobic. I certainly felt that way. I told him that if he was ever sick of staying in his condo and wanted to go out to somewhere safe, he always could come over for a night. He agreed and took me up on it. The sex was very different. He was usually a giver and more intimate but this was just piv sex. It made me feel awful but it was what he needed to heal. At first he just came for the sex, and would barely acknowledge me afterwards. Eventually we slowly started growing closer and he would do something like rub my head or give me a quick hug after. Eventually he actually stayed overnight but left before I could make him any food. He didnt want it.

I would sometimes get the chance to massage his back and we could talk during that. It was really helpful because it wasn't focused on sex mostly. I learned that I wasn't the only girl he was sleeping with and that he is feeling just as confused as I am about what to do next.

Because summer 2020 was a pretty crazy time for everyone, I stepped back from social media aside from messaging and focused entirely on school and self improvement. No matter what I did I still felt pathetic because I could become the best person in the world tomorrow but I still wouldn't be able to have him. I still slept with his sweatshirt sometimes if I was having trouble sleeping, thats how pathetic I was. We only had a breakthrough one day when he saw the sweatshirt and thought he left it behind sometime over the summer. I couldn't be sexual with him last night because I felt like it would be the last piece of him gone forever if he took it. I wasn't able to stop myself from crying and instead of leaving he actually held and comforted me.We didn't have sex that night but we talked a lot and I felt like he was open to trying again so I did ask him via text and he said yes, if i tell him the whole truth.

He didnt believe I didnt have sex with AP.This is because:

1. Waywards lie about that a lot. I learned that from here.

2. AP was actively trying to put my BS down and boast to him. This is because my BS got an intern position at a good company that he wanted so he messaged my BS basically mocking him and "exposing" me as if I didn't tell bs myself. AP is also in the same cohort as BS. He had to see APs face on screen weekly.

This REALLY messed with R. There were times where we would physically separate and caused a lot of arguments because he didn't believe me. He ended up wanting a polygraph and I had to get a seasonal part time job last december. It was hard work but I did end up saving enough for a polygraph but he then said that it would be useless because he wouldn't believe me still afterwards so why bother. I got the polygraph and he made some questions for me which I passed.

However I did catch him in what could be called a suicide attempt a few weeks later. He had made all the preparations and everything. He had a gun in his hands when I found him and he swears that he never would have gone through with it and that he is thankful I showed up. I convinced him to let me.bring him to the hospital and they put him in inpatient for a while. I wasn't allowed to visit. He did say he thought i was out cheating while he was in the hospital though but really i was in shock for a lot of the time.

Once he was allowed out we went NC for around 2 months, before I ran into him on campus and initiated R again. It was less rough, and I think it is because people didnt need to have their cameras on for classes anymore. He didnt have to keep a straight face while staring at AP.

Recently he said that he wishes things won't open up because he fears being with me in public because it would be humiliating af for him. I don't want him to feel that way because I know how hard it is for men when it comes to feeling emasculated. How can i best address this?

P.S sorry for the messy post I just started typing and it ended up like a stream of consciousness lol

10 comments posted: Friday, June 18th, 2021