WS - Struggling

Background

Last April, I got into a car accident. At the end of May, I went to a massage parlour to ease some pain. I found that I enjoyed getting massages and began going for three consecutive weeks. I wasn’t going for pain at this point, but instead I went for the relaxation it gave me. My wife knew that I was going and I felt that what I was doing was above board.

Two weeks ago, I called to book an appointment. My masseuse I liked wasn’t in, so I chose to go to the next closest parlour. Their website stated they had registered masseuses and I went there instead. Everything felt right until midway through my massage. The masseuse asked if I wanted any extra services. I then made the dumbest decision of my life and said yes. I received a HE and officially became a cheater/WS.

The following three days I began lying to my wife. My thought process was that because it was so quick, I could treat it like a dream and that it never happened. After reading tons of internet articles, I determined that I shouldn’t tell my wife. My justification was that I was confident that it was one-time thing and that it was wrong of me to transfer my extreme guilt onto my wife.

After the three days of justifying, I knew I had to tell her. If I was to spend the rest of my life with her, I had to be truthful. I also felt like I was going to explode. I sat her down the next morning and told her 90% of the truth. I mulled over my omissions throughout the day and sat her down again the next morning to tell her 100% of the truth. I have a ton of regrets on how I handled those three days and am doing my best to accept how I handled it.

Aftermath:

My wife was extremely angry after the second conversation. After this conversation, the anger subsided and turned into hurt. We want to be around each other all of the time now, as we both hate being alone. I’ll talk about myself in a second. My wife doesn’t want to give up on us too soon. We’ve gone over in detail what happened multiple times and I’ve given her 100% of the truth each time. She still thinks I’m hiding something and I definitely understand why. She has told her IC, sister and BF what happened, however she doesn’t want anyone else knowing. I actually fear posting this as I feel like even though I’m sharing anonymously that I still am betraying that request. She still loves me and believes we can get through this. I am so extremely fortunate and undeserving of this.

As for me, there is nothing on this planet I want to do more than be the best possible partner going forward. My wife has currently given us a second chance and I will do anything to help repair us. I have had one in person IC session and will be doing weekly sessions for the foreseeable future. I am also doing online IC sessions through an app. I had smoked cannabis everyday for three years and have since quit permanently. My wife and I have discussed other areas of our marriage I have failed and it is my life’s mission to correct these now and going forward. I feel like I’m doing all of the right things after my I told her the full truth. I fear, however, that it is too late.

My #1 goal currently is to support my wife through her healing process. It is sometimes extremely hard to do so because I currently hate myself. My wife, with the amazing heart she has, is actually worried about me. It makes me hate myself more. I feel so undeserving of this love. My anxiety has caused me physical stress where I rarely eat (I have to force myself) and my stomach is constantly on fire (anxiety/guilt/shame). 90% of the time I think about my failures and while I believe this is a good thing (to reinforce further that I’ll never be unfaithful again), it’s paralyzing. And I know that if I’m struggling this hard, I can only imagine what my wife is going through. It sickens me that I am putting her through this.

That leads us to now. I don’t really know why I made this post. I’d love to hear advice on what else I can do to reconcile us. Perhaps I’m looking for confirmation that life may get better with time. I think I’m posting because I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done and by writing this down I can organize my thoughts. Either way, I will be telling my wife about this post (100% honest and transparent about my actions going forward) and she may want me to take this down. Thank you for reading.

[This message edited by Fisher at 12:49 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

17 comments posted: Friday, June 25th, 2021