Reconciling with BS

Good morning afternoon or evening depending on where you are when you read this.

Background of my story,

I had one emotional affair that lasted for over a year and one physical/emotional affair that was on and off for over 3 years.

I eventually after numerous questions told the entire truth to my BS. Ive been in therapy for over a year with two different therapists. My BS and I have been working hard on ourselves even though she did absolutely nothing to deserve what I did to her and she should not have to be in therapy. I disrespected her to where now nothing seems to makes sense unless it's stress or lies. We've had discussions about about reconciling and even have a baby on the way which I am extremely happy and blessed to be able to do but know it comes with more stress and a flooding of emotional storms. We already have 4 children together so I'm grateful that my BS has allowed me to remain in their lives.

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you? Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS? What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile? Has trust returned between the two of you? Do you regret reconciling? Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

Any information would be extremely helpful for this BS. I will share the information with my BS so I can compare with their responses.

Thank you.

1 comment posted: Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

Questions for BS that have reconciled

Good morning afternoon or evening depending on where you are when you read this.

Background of my story,

I had one emotional affair that lasted for over a year and one physical/emotional affair that was on and off for over 5 years.

I eventually after numerous questions told the entire truth to my BS. Ive been in therapy for over a year with two different therapists. My BS and I have been working hard on ourselves even though she did absolutely nothing to deserve what I did to her and she should not have to be in therapy. I disrespected her to where now nothing seems to makes sense unless it's stress or lies. We've had discussions about about reconciling and even have a baby on the way which I am extremely happy and blessed to be able to do but know it comes with more stress and a flooding of emotional storms. We already have 4 children together so I'm grateful that my BS has allowed me to remain in their lives.

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you? Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS? What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile? Has trust returned between the two of you? Do you regret reconciling? Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

Any information would be extremely helpful for this BS. I will share the information with my BS so I can compare with their responses.

Thank you.

15 comments posted: Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

Listen up wayward spouses

Things I've realized about my own situation

As a WS myself I'm still learning and thought about sharing something I never believed I was doing. Gaslighting. To truly understand gaslighting remove yourself from the equation and take time to really see the person in front of you. Become them.

When my BS found out about my on and off sexual affair with my AP I did everything I thought I could to lessen the blow for her. I hid truths, details, feelings at the time, and lessened my patience.

I was caught and I ended the affair without providing her the proof. Even when I thought I was being pro-active I was being selfish. She deserved to see the proof. She deserved honesty. Honestly she deserved better than who I was, been, or had become.

One year D day is approaching. I have apologized relentlessly and done some work on myself. I recently learned that promises and begging for forgiveness/another chance is a gaslighting fire you don't want to engulf your BS in. I understand your logic with begging and or promising especially if you mean it, but look at it from the BS point of view......

They have been made promises before. They have forgiven before. They have been begged for a second chance and guess what those were met with empty results. Begging and promising doesn't require work. It is a way to make yourself feel more comfortable when in reality you need to sit in your own mess. It also takes your BS back to a time where they were the ones sacrificing how they felt to make you feel better. Now they are betrayed once again.

You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself. I encourage you today waywards to stop making promises and instead make progress. Make progress in your own life so you can actually be what you say you're going to be. You created a horrible life that multiple lives have to live there is no reason to make promises because if you don't come through then it's another set back for your BS and yourself.

It has taken me years to actually figure out that promises and begging for forgiveness make my BS feel so many unnecessary emotions. I've already put her through so much so why add to it? To make yourself feel like you are doing the work necessary? You're actually setting yourself up for all the emotions and reasons you looked outside of your relationship. More so you aren't respecting the BS.

Listen to them even when it's hurtful. They are actually sharing the information necessary for you. Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.

9 comments posted: Sunday, September 18th, 2022