Thoughts on trusting again
I haven’t posted for a while as the XWH was trolling me here but I’m 2+ yrs divorced. I have the kids, dogs and house and he has all the money. Best trade ever. DS and DD are going to college and living with me. The divorce came as a big shock because I had kept his prior cheating to myself and tried to make a go of reconciliation until DD2. Later I realized there were more than 2.
I waited to date because I didn’t want to make the kids feel abandoned. Also after the narcissist scorched earth divorce I couldn’t imagine a new relationship. It’s been in survival mode, trying to afford my old life with one parent and one salary.
But I did meet a nice man and we’ve been dating for 5 months. We met at a weekly happy hour where I’d get one drink and bring back affordable dinner for the kids. It turns out we had mutual friends there and I started to look forward to happy hour.
He’s a few years out of a LT relationship too, both of us are being guarded. No "L" word exchange or LT plans.
I’m wondering if this is the new normal for me. I don’t want to feel dependent on anyone again. I think I can maintain a relationship and still tell myself I don’t need it. I’m happy single as a baseline so I know I can be happy returning to single hood.
I’ve heard people on here say after DD they realize that they were too invested/involved/reliant on the partner and it’s healthier not to be that way. Or am I missing an opportunity to be all-in in a positive relationship?
16 comments posted: Wednesday, August 28th, 2024
Telling the kids exploded
I have told my family we’re divorcing and told some of our friends. He’s still denying an affair despite evidence and has an idea that we can continue to live in the same house until our son graduates. He says he’ll sleep in the outside room. I thought it was time to tell the kids ( 16 & 18). I told WH I was going to tell them we were divorcing because of an affair. He said if I said that he’d tell them every drunken stupid thing I’d done in the last 22 years. I told them we were divorcing from an affair and that I was sorry but I couldn’t keep living with their dad. True to his word he told them things I’m ashamed of, things from before we were married.
I left while he was talking and I told them not to trust what was being said. When I came back they were both in tears. My DD18 left for a friend’s house. I found DS wrapped in a blanket in the dark in his room. To say it didn’t go well is an understatement.
WH then asked if I was divorcing because I was having an affair (no, bastard, you are). He’s retired but started a PT job last year and tonight he quit it ( lowering his income).
What a piece of work. He did sign the mediation agreement after much foot dragging and now he’s gone eerily calm and explained all the finances to me, made sure I could access all accounts and printed everything up.
I’ve had worse nights in my life only because I’ve had terrible things happen (DD almost died at 8 and I was given a 6 mos to live cancer diagnosis 14 yrs ago). But this was bad bad bad.
64 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022
Don’t want this roommate any more
Two weeks since DD, one week since I started on the divorce. First mediation is Friday. He is in full denial/TT mode, trying to make me feel crazy while at the same time suddenly being the Fun Dad, Mr. Mom and devoted dog parent that he never was during the last 18 years.
I am tired of living with him but don’t want to leave him to n the house with my kids and dogs. He won’t move, we’ll have to force the sake of the house. But he doesn’t want to sell the house…..so frustrating!!
How did you get from having to live together to separation? Anything I need to watch out for?
7 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022
The price of keeping the peace
Now that I am ( anxiously) awaiting separation I’m trying to see what costs I can cut. I realize that I have some recurring monthly expenses from trying to stay married.
He never helped with housework, when I was working p/t and the kids were little or when I was working f/t. I used to get soooo frustrated but I listened to Dr. Laura say, "don’t divorce your husband over housework" and others telling me to " let it go" I’d try that but couldn’t, we’d get into fights. His solution? Hire a housekeeper. Expense #1
Ditto yard work. I recall being eight months pregnant and mowing the lawn, ignore, fight then gardener. #2
Anything that needs to be fixed around the house. Am I going to go on You Tube and figure it out while he watches tv? Handyman #3
Painting. I painted the house while he watched, painted the huge deck every year. His solution to the deck was actually a great one, Trex. But in anticipation of selling the house I’ll pick up a brush again instead of him calling Painter #4.
Here’s an expense that is the first and hardest to cut; WH’s best friend’s wife started working at a car dealership and needed to do a lease deal. I fell on the sword: BMW #5
I’ve been gaining weight and need to lose for my own sake ( come on divorce stress!) as well as having that "he’ll cheat on me" thought in my head. We couldn’t agree on putting a lap pool/ endless pool in so, Club membership #6.
WH doesn’t cook, he can but doesn’t. After he retired I’d be driving home from work at 5:30 and he’d call to ask me what’s for dinner? We have kids, they gotta eat. I love to cook, I just start to resent it so Dinners out all the time #7.
We used to go camping. Kids and dogs love camping ( my son is camping now). But WH gained weight and snores too loudly, none of us can sleep. It takes a lot of prep and he doesn’t want to do it so Hotel vacations with Dogsitters #8.
Look at what I’ve spent to keep my sanity with him. I worry about affording my own place but going through this I see I can cut about $2500 a month and that’s not including cutting the tv cable bill.
6 comments posted: Saturday, August 13th, 2022
The price of staying married
I’m anxiously anticipating separation and am looking to cut costs. After reviewing expenses I realized how many of them are from trying to keep my sanity:
WH won’t do housework. When I worked p/t and kids were little or f/t and he was retired he didn’t help. I was sooooo very frustrated but I remembered Dr. Laura saying " don’t divorce your husband over housework" and my friends telling me to " let it go". Well I couldn’t let it go so we’d fight. His solution? Housekeeper #1
Yard work. What do you think? The yard always looked fine to him, he never went out anyway, was always on the tv or computer. I recall mowing the lawn at eight months pregnant, fighting. So of course his solution: Gardener #2
I love to cook, like Babbett’s Feast I plan whole parties around eating, all of our friends for Passover, both our office holiday parties, actually I do a Hanukkah party, Cooked breakfast, lunch ( DS didn’t like school lunch and DD couldn’t eat sandwiches b/c of transplant) and dinner for 17 years while he worked. He retired and would call me at 5:30 as I’m driving home from work: " hey, what’s for dinner?". I’d get so mad I didn’t want to cook. So he handled it: dinner out all the time #3
WH’s best friend’s wife started working for a car dealership, needed to do a lease deal but WH liked his truck so naturally I fell on the sword: BMW #4 ( this cut will hurt)
Painting, fixing things around the house. I’m sure you can guess. I painted the deck every year, painted the living room while he drank a beer. Am I going to figure out how to fix the sprinklers while he’s watching tv? No. Handyman #4
Lemons can give lemonade, not gonna lie. He wouldn’t wash dishes, feed, walk or cleanup after dogs. Another point to fight about. His solution was great but not perfect: pay the kids to do it. This has turned out well. Kids wash dishes, feed and walk dogs, I mostly clean up though because I can’t " let it go". But when the kids aren’t home it’s all me. God forbid I’m visiting my mom and take the kids for the weekend: return to dogs with dry water dishes. (My solution is a man-friendly one: leave the toilet seats up). Cost is just kid allowance. #5 I’ll continue this.
TV. I hate tv, he loves it. If he’s home it’s on. He falls asleep in front of it, needs every channel. Everything included cable bill #6
I think that will add up to a $2400 savings
1 comment posted: Saturday, August 13th, 2022
10 yrs later and back on SI
Ten years ago my WH had a two year fling (hours of bathroom calls, sharing photos, sexting and weekends away) while I was recovering from cancer, working and caring for two young kids. I found emails, he went to counseling and started helping around the house. I stayed for the kids.
Here’s a snapshot of my worst day from those days: we had just bought a house and we’re house poor. I was working part-time after chemo and sometimes sleeping in the hospital with my daughter ( she has complications from an organ transplant). I just found out my 4 yr old had TB exposure. I went to the store to stock up and my credit card was rejected and I had to go around the store with the kids and put everything back. WH had to " work" out of town (LEO) but I later found out he was living it up with AP in Vegas.
I went back to work full-time, decided to stay for the kids and make the best of it. He vowed to change, went to counseling, started to help out with the house and kids. Things were going well. We both got raises, payed things down, put one kid in college. He retired and started hanging out with a heavy-drinking group ( although he doesn’t drink much himself). We went out to dinner a lot with this group, happy hour, week-ends while the other kid was in camp. I was planning to quit early and relax.
He also stopped helping around the house, never made dinner for the kids, constantly fought with my teen son. It was stressful at home but I could see the retired/empty nest finish line.
Last Friday we met the gang (two other couples) out for dinner and then we went to a speakeasy. I took a photo of us all holding drinks up down the dimly lit bar, it was a lot of fun but he had a couple of mixed drinks and some wine later and maybe because he usually doesn’t drink he got really drunk. My friend had to help me fish him out of the hot tub.
The next morning I was having my whole office (25-30 people) over for a luau and then we were leaving for a family vacation the next day. I was a little stressed about all the work and he was still asleep. I don’t know why I did it but I looked at his phone. I quit doing this years ago but ?? He sent a message to a woman the night before, inviting her out to the speakeasy. " I found this cool place, we should come here together". Yikes, the party was starting in 4 hours and I had a lot of work to do. He had a lame excuse for the message but helped with the party. People stayed late and we left the next morning on vacation. I screenshot the message and her contact info and sent it to myself to look into it later.
Vacation was relaxing at the coast, no phone reception, no wifi, very peaceful. I got home and began inquiring more about the message. I noticed he erased it off of his phone and my phone. He lied and said he didn’t erase it. That night one of our friends told me I should go to our local music bar at night because he didn’t like seeing WH acting inappropriately without me.
Either I’m slow, or it’s familiarity bias or I just spent the last 10 years trying to work out, I don’t know but it wasn’t until right then that I saw the whole picture. He had been going to hear bands at a bar without me ( can’t go out at night, kids and work..), dancing with this woman, texting her and then invited her out on a date while he was sitting next to me.
I’m done. Called the divorce attorney today but on her advice going to try mediation first. He says I’m overreacting and now admits he erased all their texts and my screenshot because he " knew I would obsess over it". He says he was planning to set the woman up with his friend, although he says he did text her before yo meet up at the bar. I went back into SI investigative mode for a minute and started going through Verizon records but then I stopped. I don’t care. I’m done. There’s nothing he can say. Is it George Strait, " this time she didn’t cry".
I feel like a real idiot. For now he’s living here, sitting on the couch and will come to bed like nothing’s changed. He says he doesn’t want a divorce, suddenly he’s spending time with our son and doing chores. I plan to call the mediator tomorrow to set up an appt.
Thanks for reading this. Thoughts and advice are welcome.
19 comments posted: Thursday, August 11th, 2022
