Me: BW, born 1983
Him: WH, born 1979
Married: 2016 (together since 2011)
2 young children
PA: June 2021-February 2022
DDay: October 2022

Not sure what I'm doing yet, currently both in MC and IC

Just found out about affair with the nanny

My husband (WH/42) just came clean about an affair with our former nanny (OW/33). I (BW/39) am just a ball of confused emotions.

Some background. We have two small kids and when the pandemic hit, our daycare closed. We found a nanny online. She worked for us from September 2020 to June 2021. In May, she shared she was in an abusive marriage, and WH and I agreed we would do what we could to help her escape.

We have subsequently learned that she is actually a con artist, and used this sob story to get money from us. We gave her thousands willingly, and also believe she stole hundreds more in cash and fraudulent credit card charges.

Long story short(ish), he started sleeping with her after she stopped working for us. There were several general times when I called him out, and two specific instances where he lied to my face. The first was immediately after they first kissed, which he denied. The second was after they first had sex, which he denied. That time, he did admit to meeting her, but said it was just for coffee and he only kept it secret because we had agreed we would not meet her in person anymore. (I was getting suspicious of her motives, and was concerned about putting our family in the middle of a situation with her violent husband.)

We started seeing a therapist, with the goal of rebuilding trust. WH claims he really wanted to do that, and that he wasn’t consciously planning to continue to affair. Yet, he never confessed in therapy, and most of our sessions focused on how I needed to address my trust issues. All gaslighting.

According to WH, the affair continued off and on until February 2022. He says they had sex 4 or 5 times during that period. In February, he had an epiphany that he wanted to be a better person and do right by his family, so he ended it. He says he hasn’t seen her since then. She reached out to hook up a few times, but he turned her down. She reached out for money a few times, and he gave her some once.

A few weeks ago, she reached out to WH, threatening to tell me everything if he didn’t pay her. He believes this was always her long game – extort money to keep the secret. So instead, he came clean. He has apologized a number of times, and we’ve started seeing another therapist. He wants to reconcile and he’s doing all the recommended actions to rebuild trust.

I want to believe him, but I feel like I’ve been betrayed twice. The first time, when he lied to my face and wanted to "rebuild trust" in therapy over a year ago, and again when I found out the truth a month ago. And so much of what he tells me seems to be conflicting (not the hard facts, but the emotions). On the one hand he says it happened because he just felt so strongly that he needed to help her. On the other hand, he says it was purely transactional, with no emotional component.

There are so many other relevant details, but this is already long. I guess I’m just looking for advice. Am I crazy to try to trust him again? Will I ever be able to stop picturing them together or wondering if he touched her the same way he’s touching me? Am I considering reconciling because I want to or because I’m afraid of the collateral damage of divorce?

19 comments posted: Thursday, November 3rd, 2022