Broken - how to move forward

I don’t know what I want from this post I just need to get it out. I’m destroyed, I’m broken and I don’t know how to even get through the day right now. I just want to speak to people who understand and won’t just say "leave" . Because I don’t want to leave .

My husband has had an "affair" - I class it as an affair as he had sex with another woman on two separate occasions over a period of 2 weeks. After that he kissed another woman when drunk. I’ll explain below.

Bit of backstory we have no children (together) , we’re both 35 and have been together 8 years , married for 4. Up until a year ago it was a fairytale , even through the rocky patch he was still as loving and attentive. Everyone thinks we’re the perfect couple, so did I . He is obsessed with me, he can’t keep his hands off me I have never felt or witnessed love like it. About a year ago we hit a rocky patch that I didn’t realise was as rocky as it was until we talked after his infidelity and the beauty of hindsight.

I was studying law, at the end of my studies, and I subsequently started a very stressful job. Around the same time he had a promotion that caused him to work away. Looking back we have always had two underlying problems ; his drinking - never abusive but he became quite dependant and is a different person after drink and the fact that he has a massively high sex drive and I don’t. Our sex like has always been amazing , but he would have it morning , noon and night whereas if I’m tired I’m just not in the mood. He has mentioned a lot to me about how he struggles with this and he has tried many things to help - however when I am stressed I can only focus on one thing and I become quite self centred. For example , he would honestly approach me about his feelings and I would attack with how tired I was , how busy I am and how his sexual needs were the last thing on my mind. When he was working away he would call me , text me all the time - really lovely things and I’m sad to say that I very regulary brushed him off … said I was busy , would call him back but I didn’t . In my defence I never intended to be horrible, I was just overwhelmed. It then became that for a few months we barely spoke when he was away and the weekends were full of arguments. He said a few times that he loved me but couldn’t live like this and as it was heat of the moment , I said similar, but we made up - I just didn’t take it seriously and I just kept thinking when I’m finished studying / settled in the job things will be better , I’ll make more time etc . There was never an issue with his attention to me or him making time for me , he always tried . I’m not defending what he did im just giving a clear picture .

4 months ago he kissed someone , drunk , brief, a party we were both at. I found out straight away. It was horrendous, I felt so betrayed . I gave him hell … he was remorseful promised to do anything to make it right, stopped drinking. We spoke deeply for the first time and he told me he had felt that we were ending and that I didn’t love him anymore . He had felt like it for months , tried to talk to me but I didn’t listen. He felt like I wasn’t attracted to him and that I was preparing to leave. Also during this time I had changed my name on social media so that it wasn’t my married name - This was for my job but he said he really thought it was for another reason due to how distant I had been. He said he had prepared to leave me , as he couldn’t take me leaving him and that one weekend he came home with the intention of leaving me ( this becomes relevant)but that weekend I was different , like I had been before our bad times , and he realised he could never leave me because that one weekend was worth all the crappy times . I remember that weekend, I was off for a week and less stressed… sadly the week after I was back to the stress again and our marriage began to suffer . The next thing was the kiss and like I say after that we really talked, it was so painful but he swore to do anything to make us work and begged for a clean slate . Weirdly it felt like that kiss was a turning point and our marriage just got stronger. I’m settled in my job , I’m not the stressy person I was - I’m happy , the relationship has been happy our sex life is back on track and we’ve had an honest talk about his sex drive and taken steps - were in the honeymoon period again and everything just feels perfect . Well it did .

3 days ago I discovered that he had declined to tell me that the weekend he came home to tell me he was leaving , was after he had had sex with another women whilst working away . On two seperate nights over a period of 2 weeks or so. He’s remorseful , he’s been crying , begging , saying it was before our ‘clean slate ‘ ( it was 6 months ago ) he said he genuinely thought I was leaving him and he was certain he was going to leave first , said he was drunk both times but did text her in between talking about what was happening and said in his head he thought it was a way of definetly ending things between us as he could never face me telling him I don’t love him. He said when he came home that weekend and things were good he realised he could never leave me as he loved me too much and the enormity of what he did hit him. At this point he just blocked her and tried to bury it. The messages I found that led me to confront him match this as it’s that week after where , over a period of a few days she messaged him asking him to call her, saying she just wants to talk , then saying that she loves him but he don’t ever say much to her , then saying if it’s her he wants come and get her , then saying is he ending things and could he just tell her to eventually asking him to block her. He had not replied to her at all , I can see nothings been deleted. He said hes had no contact with her since , he didnt even explain to her just blocked her and that is clear. He said he never gave her the impression of anything more
, he spoke to her about us but he said it wasn’t like flirty messages or sexual that between the 2 nights they were just talking and she worked in a bar he went to and on those two nights when drunk he took her back to his hotel room but said he was clear to her what it was and she asked him once if they could ever be more and he said no and said when he saw the message where she said she loved him he didn’t understand as it hadn’t been said before but like I say he didn’t respond to it. (Not that I give a dang about her feelings as she knew he was married but it does appear that he used her then dropped her ) He said he really wanted to tell me when we had our 'clean slate' but he saw how upset i was and felt it would be cruel and living with the guilt was his punishment. He said he has been tortured and he believes that the level of drinking that led to the kiss , is his guilt eating him up as he said when he drinks he can convince himself that I’ll never find out and we will be ok. I do remember one time after it all that we were being intimate and he almost began crying , it was just different - he was so loving and attentive and he was just saying over and over again that he only wants me , only ever wanted me , wants me forever … i remember thinking this is a bit much , is there something he wants to tell me and I actually asked what was wrong and he just said he just loved me so much and needed me to know. I now know from talking to him that he came very close to telling me then . He has cried , begged - begged me to please hold on to the fact it was before our clean slate , before we faced the issues in our relationship and that he meant everything he said , and that he has tried to be perfect and open and honest with me since then as a way to atone even though I didn’t know. He really has , he has stuck by everything he said but this now feels like fresh betrayal . Sex is different to a kiss.

The past few days have been awful. I’ve cried , shouted , taken my wedding rings off , ran out of the house , not eaten , grilled him for 4 hours to the point of tears …. I’m heartbroken , I feel empty. I love this man so much and I really want to make it work and get past it , I believe he loves me I do but then he betrayed me so deeply by having sex with another woman.

He has offered everything- he has said he will be here , trying every day forever no matter how long it takes. He has said he will never go back to that place to work ( it’s 150 miles away ) , he is already looking into different jobs so that he never has to work away , started the process for marriage counselling , answered all my questions , he’s creeping around me , told me I can have all the passwords to all his social media, look at my phone whenever I want literally everything
( not that I want that , it’s not how I want the relationship to be ) so I know he doesn’t want anyone else , we have no children together , we don’t own a home together , we have no joint finances etc in fact we would both be better off financially if we weren’t together so there is literally nothing physical to keep us together , nothing to tie us …. What I mean is it’s not easier being together so it’s not like there could be any other reason he is here other than love .

But why. Why did he do it , how could he . I’m so hurt. My illusions of him and my marriage are shattered. I feel like a part of me is gone , forever. How do we recover , how do I get these graphic images out of my head of him and another woman ? How do I ever be touched by him and not feel like he’s tainted . I’m broken. I do not want this to be the end , I love him he is my other half I can’t imagine life without him and I do not want to be without him but I just don’t know what the next step is . Please somebody help me .

6 comments posted: Thursday, January 5th, 2023