A week out and numb

Hi all,

Just over a week ago I blundered across messages on WH ipad from what is clearly an escort of some sort being visited 2-3 times a month since at least July of this year.(His phone text messages are synced with his iPad but they delete at the 6 month mark.) We are nearly 60. He retired a year ago. We have been married 32 years. I stayed home for most of it raising 3 kids. I have a college degree and have worked off and on as money got tight. But my earning potential is nil given that I gave up my career to take care of kids. I work now, but my income is hourly and not enough to support myself and the pension is nominal and not enough to support 2 places. We do have equity in the house we have lived in 25 years, and other assets but its tight. He got a consulting job out west just for extra income and we rented a second home there. But recently he lost that job. So the lease is up Feb 1st.I frankly want to go out there by myself and just take some time to process this all. But we can't afford it. I spent the week gathering tax records, insurance policies, checking account information and all his passwords (he keeps a spreadsheet). I am simply reeling. I don't know how long this has been going on, nor with how many people. I don't see any other messages from anyone else. I don't even know what I am going to do. I don't even know what I WANT to do. I told my mom and sister, both of whom have gone through divorces. Both said sit tight for now because divorce sucks and being alone sucks worse. I think that advice sucks! I was thinking I could catch him at the place he goes to meet "LiLi", get a picture of his car at the place? It's likely some sort of massage parlor within 20 minutes of my house. We had a sex life, it wasn't great though, he battles impotency with bad circulation. But he is in my bed. I can't feign a headache forever. I can sort of gather the place he goes is nearby based on the amount of time between when he books his "appointment". But the thought of him continuing to go makes me sick. And speaking of sick, about a decade ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer - I am in full remission. I do not need stress to cause a recurrence. This is not how I envisioned kicking off my retirement. His brother is separated from his wife because she recently found out he was cheating. This week I raised the conversation and he said it was HER fault for making the brother feel not wanted. WH told me I made him feel the same, all the time. He said he stays gone so much for so many years because he feels like I hated him. I sat home taking care of kids while he ran around and played. And somehow its my fault. This will get fully turned on me, I see it coming. All input welcome.

19 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023