New to reconciliation and would appreciate advice

My husband and I have been married for 2 years (together 4) and have a 18 month old son. My husband has serious trouble keeping his emotions in check sometimes. We go through long periods of bliss and then something will set him off an we will fight constantly or ignore each other for weeks. This is usually once or twice a year. Whenever it does happen I get so stressed out that I can’t stand it and don’t know what to do. Whenever there is a stressful situation he can not handle it and takes it out on me. Recently my grandmother died (who pretty much raised me) and then a few months after that my father died. I was ok most of the time but I was really just checked out of everything. I wasn’t happy, but I was not depressed either. I was just kind of there, maybe numb, although sometimes very emotional. I felt different and not myself. He was the opposite of a supportive husband and he was really mean and cruel when all I really needed from him was to just be nice to me. That is literally all I wanted from him. I didn’t need pep talks or for him to do anything for me, all I wanted was for him not to scream at me during a very difficult period in my life. After this I really started to pull away from him and resent him. I started spending more time out of the house to get away from the tension when it was possible. I started going out with my friends more and socializing in general. This is not said to blame my husband for my actions but it was one of my reasons.

My ex and I dated for 2 years but we broke up because of personality differences that made us clash and we wanted different things at that time in our lives. We still have some friends in common and before this would see each other in group settings every so often. He started spending more time with my friend group because he got a different job and had more free time. He was always really easy to talk to and knew my family so our connection grew again. It was like talking to an old friend and was comforting. We started spending more time together and my feelings for him grew and came up again. This made me have second thoughts about my marriage along with our previous issues. I thought seriously about us getting back together and how we were both different now that we were older and maybe it was a mistake breaking up. It went from alone time to physical touch and then to a full physical affair. During this time I thought that there was a very good chance we would get divorced in the near future anyway because our marriage was in such a sad state even while still loving him. This lasted for a few months and it was 2-4 times a week with constant contact and sexting.

At the end of this my ex started making more demands of me and we started arguing more. After one particular argument I told him I needed space and ignored his calls and texts for 2 days. This made him angry enough to text my husband and allude to the affair but not directly say it. The night he got that that text he went through my phone while I was sleeping and it was all there. I woke up with him getting on top of me screaming and grabbing my face, it was one of the worst moments of my life. My husband tried to fight my ex and get him fired. There was several days where they were harassing each other.

I am struggling with all that I have done but also battling lingering feelings for my ex. I feel horrible seeing how badly I have hurt my husband. I am facing down the very real possibility of losing the best thing that ever happened to me and it is killing me. I don’t want my son to have a broken home before he is even a toddler thanks to his mother. During my affair my husband went back to being stable and normal but I was still pulling away from him, things were better at home though. Now it is our worst fights x10 He left for 2 weeks, he was a mess and was drinking a lot. He is at our home now and has agreed to marriage counseling and he never wanted to before, so that is good. Most of the time he ignores me if it isn’t about our son and the rest of the time is a knockdown drag out fight. He thought my behavior was odd but didn’t think I was cheating. My husband and I have had our issues but he is the best man I and I do love him. He really loves me and would do anything for me. I hurt him very deeply and want to do whatever I can to save my marriage. Since reality has came at me hard I have realized how nonsensical the affair was and how much I have set my life back. I have tried to be as honest as possible since things have stabilized comparatively but god, it is so hard. What is the usual timeline of reconciliation and what steps besides the obvious should I take?

I am 24, he is 34. We also had a threesome when we were first dating if any of that matters.

8 comments posted: Thursday, May 11th, 2023