Blame Game/Unmet Needs/Always Capable

Hey all,

I (33/M) was referred here by a poster of another site, who thought posting my story and some questions would help.

Story: 9-year relationship, engaged for four. Started when she got fired from her job (toxic boss). In her words, tied a lot of her self-worth to external factors and didn't fight her demons. Met AP (Affair Partner) around April from a networking event; EA/PA up until I asked her to leave (November). Went so far as a trip overseas in August that I was told was a solo trip. As of this past February, they are still seeing each other. She trickled truthed me in September. I just waited until I got concrete evidence, while she lied about not seeing him anymore. I eventually came across photos he sent her of their dates, as well as emails and AirBnB receipts. I never told her what I found, all that I know more than what she was telling me. I started therapy soon as part of the story came out in September; I graduated and now see on a once-a-month basis as needed - the best thing I could have done.

Last conversation she blamed me: "Cheating doesn't start with the cheating, it starts before then," she told me. If only I had met her needs regarding her relationship with my parents and for us not having enough sex. Told me I needed to "dig deeper" as to my role in the relationship.

Now, I am getting texts at random, usually late at night: She misses me every day, can never forgive herself, thank you for all I did, she loves me beyond words, she cries herself to sleep, the doctor wants her on anti-depressants. I've been in NC.

Questions: I don't blame myself for her cheating, but I still find it hard not to say whatever deterioration of the relationship didn't play a part, although my therapist told me even if I did everything right in the relationship, we would still have had problems and my ex made a decision to look elsewhere, not because I was unfulfilling. So my questions are:

- 1. How sound is the validity of unmet needs?
- 2. Were they always capable of cheating? I find it hard to believe the person I met 9 years ago could have done this. Was this behavior always in their DNA and I just need to do a better job of seeing the red flags?

For those at the beginning of their trauma, I promise you it gets better! While I still have my triggers that get me upset and down a rabbit hole, whether it is certain songs or random thoughts of the good times, I've dedicated myself to exercising and actually started dating around two months ago. Hang in there.

29 comments posted: Thursday, May 4th, 2023