Advice/Support Needed- seeing WH and AP at event.

I need some advice and or support and you all are the only people in my life who can understand what I am going through.

Backstory: WH cheated on me with a married friend. OBS and I both decided to file for divorce but my divorce is not final yet. WH has been living with AP since I kicked him out of the house in May. My soon to be ex- in-laws have accepted AP into their lives but we still have an ok relationship.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I found out this weekend that my WH’s grandfather passed away this weekend and the funeral will be next weekend. As I said I am still close with his family and have seen them a couple of times per month and text with them frequently, but I have not spoke or seen WH since I served him with divorce papers on July.

I want to go to the funeral to show my support to the family and to see extended family that I haven’t seen in over a year. However I am sure both WH and AP will be there and that I would have to see them together. And that makes me so anxious.

If I do go, my plan is to ignore the two of them and just focus on providing support to the family. I won’t be mean or nasty- but I won’t engage with them.

So my question is- should I go?

Has anyone else been through something similar? Any advise or words of encouragement would be appreciated!

11 comments posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023

Husband Cheated and Left Me for a Friend

First of all I want to thank everyone on this site. Being a BS was not something I ever thought would happen to me, and needless to say I am still reeling from everything. After my husband walked out of our house almost three weeks ago, I found this site that night and have been reading all the posts I can and pouring through the Healing Library.

I finally feel up to sharing my story and getting advice and feedback.

We have been married for 15 years and together for 20. We don't have any kids. WH sat me down after work on 5/19/23 and read a passage he had prepared with the AP. He said he wanted to end our marriage and that he had fallen in love with another woman. I was completely unprepared for those words to come out of his mouth. The AP is a close friend and is also married. All four of us were very close, spending lots of time together the last two years and in fact we had all four just spent a week on vacation together and got home two days before he decided to destroy everything. He says that it all started about two months ago, but I don't believe him. I know they coordinated telling me and the other BH at the same time because she also left her husband.

When I asked why WH did what he did, he said he felt like we were more like roommates than partners, and spewed some other crap about how we don't have deep conversations anymore. I was (still am) so angry, hurt, and shocked that I told him to just leave because I couldn't look at him anymore. He already had a bag packed and immediately went to a hotel room with AP and spent all weekend with her.

I met with him the next week to talk. I wanted to know why he didn't tell me the minute he started having feelings that weren't just friendship for AP. His response "I wanted to see where things would go with AP" I know he feels bad for hurting me but he said he doesn't regret anything that has happened in the last two months. I asked if he would go NC with AP and he refused and said he isn't willing to give her up. I just died inside. How can he be so sure that a relationship that started two months ago is worth fighting for but a 20 year relationship can just be ended like that?

Before this all happened I thought we were in a happy marriage. I thought we were on the same page and had the same goals and dreams. Now I don't know what to think. I know him cheating was his choice and his alone, and not my fault, but my heart keeps asking what did I do wrong? Why am I so easy to leave?

My immediate reaction was that I wanted to fight for our marriage. That what we had built wasn't worth throwing away. I tried to convince him to go to MC, that any issues we did have in the marriage could be fixed by learning better communication skills. He said yes to that, but then texted me a few days later saying that he was willing to do MC to make the divorce easier, but not to try to fix us. Now I stopped mentioning MC because I know its not the right thing right now and have decided to go NC and really focus on the 180. I have started IC and joined a boxing gym to help get out some of the rage and frustration I am feeling. He has now moved in with his parents and I refuse to let him back in our house.

My stupid heart still has hope that we can still build back a better relationship. That he'll snap out of it. He has started IC as well. He had cancer in 2021 (now in remission) and I so badly want to think that maybe he has chemo brain, or that he's having a midlife crisis and acting out in very damaging ways. Or that the AP is manipulating him because she was already planning on leaving her husband. How do you deal with hope like that? Am I stupid to have any hope at all?

Thank you for reading my sordid tale. Any advice or words of wisdom you can share is appreciated.

46 comments posted: Tuesday, June 13th, 2023