New to being crushed, advice?

Hello everybody.

I am posting mainly to hear other people’s advice on my situation. If I break a few rules I am sorry, I just have ti talk to somebody who has been through this.

A few months ago my wife went to see a massage therapist for pain she’s been having, a journey she’s been on quite some time. A few weeks later my entire life has turned upside down. We are now separated and not speaking and we have 3 very young children. Please give me any advice or thoughts you have.

We’ve been together over a decade and married for 10 years with 3 kids. We would get in big fights about every 2 years. For the past year and a half I would describe our marriage as absolutely awesome. Exactly one year ago she told me just that. Earlier this year she came to me and decided she wanted to try for another baby’s next year, which made me so happy and gave me what I thought was a good grade on our marriage. For the rest of the year we talked about when the baby comes and all kinds of other plans we were making. Then, like I said, she goes to a massage therapist for her neck, and in the following weeks I observe so many behavior changes. For the first time in my marriage I google "signs she is cheating" and my heart dropped when I saw so many of the patterns my wife has taken on listed right in front of my eyes on a random article. But not her. She would never do that. She has strong convictions and doesn’t believe in that. Over the next few weeks I felt a he brick wall that was my trust for my wife slowly start to crumble.

We have a big fight/discussion about it 3 weeks ago. She says I need to find myself, I want more freedom, it’s not you it’s me (you’ve got to be kidding me…) we stop speaking for several days per her request. After all she says she needs space. A few talks later I pull it out of her that actually does have feelings or thoughts for another man. This to me is not an unforgivable sin. After all I see beautiful women all the time and I have thoughts all the time. I really start to freak out the next day when I tell her she can’t contact or interact with this person ever again. It would destroy our marriage and put our kids through so much pain. She refuses to commit to that for several days. Then finally I get her to say ok I have one more appointment I paid for and then I’m quitting them. Ok.

A few nights later she decides she wants a "separation" which to her would mean I don’t get to ask her who she’s with or where she’s been. I say fine as long as it’s monogamous take all the space you need. She refused. I would not have the right to know if she’s dating texting or seeing any man. The next day I tell her to take a this back and don’t jump off this cliff. She refused to budge. So I tell several members of her family that’s it’s over between us because she won’t commit to her marriage vows.

Now her family is talking to her. Saying you have to fix this with him. You can’t just leave your family and be with some man. You have young kids you have got to try and work this out. She tells them things like I love my husband but I’m not IN love with him, I know I have to try and fix my marriage and I can’t just walk away, I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to hurt the kids and yes I will text this man to tell him it’s over. She’s out the house for a few days. The kids freak out knowing they’re leaving her one night and not coming home. So she says we should always be home at bedtime for their sake. So now she’s back in th house…

Yesterday morning we have a talk. It’s the same stuff. I need space, we need this separation, I need to think about what I want to do with my life, etc. I have no idea how long this will go on. December? January? I have no idea. But if you feel like you can’t keep waiting I can understand if you need to leave (hint hint). Im going to set an appointment with a therapist.

So now here we are. She’s playing games. Still definitely texting with this guy, tho we haven’t addressed that since she’s been back in the house. And we are swapping days when we try to be out of the house. So now I’m trying to decide do I just divorce right now and screw the kids happiness and long term mental health, without even trying marriage counseling since she refuses to go. Or do I play her little game and go on for months and do all the stuff everyone says online "work on yourself, spend time around friends, give her space it’s good to give space, don’t be needy, give her the chance to want you to come back blah blah blah"

I have no idea what to do. Neither of us have ever given any kind of indication we are interested in someone else. This came out of nowhere and ran me over like an 18 wheeler.

I spoke with my therapist today and he said it’s either that she is now who she always has been and she’s under some kind of spell or trance and has lost her mind and needs to snap out of it and she will one day and she will regret it all and feel horrible for destroying her family or

She has changed over the years and she is only just now showing who she has become, what is important to her, and what she believes and the values she has always had are simply not truly her values.

I am desperate to do what is right for my kids since their mother has absolutely lost her mind and will not take their needs into consideration and actually try to fix this marriage and go to marriage counseling and TRY. Please, somebody give me some advice. Anything. I am so lost and I have 3 little souls riding on my next decision.

Do i stick around and play the game? Or should I just file for divorce and leave? I am so conflicted.

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16 comments posted: Friday, October 27th, 2023