Cheating is Abuse & Sex Addiction is an Excuse

I am 4 weeks out from my D(iscovery) Day "D-Day". My husband of 22 years has been seeing prostitutes (escort diminishes paying for sex so won't use it) our entire courtship and marriage. We have 3 grown children finishing college. We had what I thought was a wonderful and fortunate life we built together. We're both successful professionals and have worked hard, supporting one another in our careers.

I have come to learn his behavior is in fact abuse, causes trauma, and the only true treatment should revolve around a reboot of his value system, absent any true mental health deficiency, which he does not have. The lying, manipulation, withholding of praise and affection, gaslighting, etc. can actually cause PTSD in the victim. That is/was me - I felt like I'd been hit by a train and lost everything I ever knew and believed in all in one day. His treatment will need to be with a therapist that focuses primarily on his abusive behavior with the victim (me) in mind: entitlement, deceptive sexual abuse, etc.

Read Lundy Bancroft's article "Hiding Behind Sex Addiction" and his book, "Why Does He Do That?" You will have to google his name and find the article but the book is available on Audible. It's given me a new perspective and helped me to see what he's done is 100% on him: he's sick and I am not crazy. Anyone who tells a spouse that he or she is responsible for any of this is not understanding the issues. Sharing these here because if you read the article first and then his book, I promise you will feel validated and understand enough to help you recognize how effed up your spouse really is and that accountability is everything.

I've decided to make no big decisions about our marriage right now, but instead focus on me. What I need for me and nothing else. I hope this helps someone. It's definitely helped me get my sea legs back.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, November 21st, 2023