For Those Who Tried R First

How long did you try for? And what was it that made you decide to separate in the end?

I keep saying I want to R but I feel like my brain is rejecting that idea and I keep slipping into depressive phases where I think that’s not possible and I’ll never get over it.

7 comments posted: Friday, November 8th, 2024

Everything feels like a trigger lately

I feel like it’s never ending and I can’t escape.

People who have read my previous posts know that I’ve been in an on and off battle with my WS about quitting the band he was away with while he cheated. It’s been deeply upsetting and frustrating as it’s the biggest trigger and it’s in my face constantly. He’s looking for a replacement band but has admitted that the replacement will need to be on the same level pay wise etc and I just think he doesn’t want to and will continue being in this band for years to come until he gets bored of it.

Anyway, scrolling through Instagram and noticed he’d been tagged in a new post on the band insta (I have their account muted to avoid triggers), and it was an announcement for a show in our city. I burst into tears. I have no doubt my partner has organised that, as he’d mentioned doing it a while a back before ONS, and it’s for summer next year. He’s bringing my biggest trigger to our city. All of his/our friends will go. I will absolutely not be going. People will ask why I’m not there. It’ll make me look bad again no doubt, unsupportive girlfriend and all that. Am I being crazy for being so upset about this? They have never played in our country before, let alone city (even in the ten years before he joined). He hadn’t told me about it, no doubt he’ll ask me to go. Why can’t he just get it? Why can’t he get what he’s done and what he’s doing?

Honestly, that’s gutted me. I’m so frustrated, disappointed, furious, sad. Even if he has left the band by then, which I highly doubt, he would want to go to that, inviting the trigger back in again months later. There’s just no escape from it.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, November 6th, 2024

The Body Keeps the Score

The book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ was recently recommended to me here and after reading reviews I bought it immediately. I’m not too far into it yet but find it extremely fascinating so far.

However, I was wondering, for those who have read it, does the focus stay on veterans and abuse victims? I don’t know if I’m just being a bit stupid but reading about these horrific traumas that people have dealt with is making me feel a bit silly? Like, how can I call my partner having a ONS with someone else trauma when other people are experiencing far far worse. Does it look at other types of traumas too?

13 comments posted: Sunday, November 3rd, 2024

Codependency and a testing week

What a week.

I posted this week about my anxiety being worse lately. I’ve ordered the book The Body Keeps the Score and decided to book back in with my therapist again after avoiding her for a few weeks as I didn’t think it was helping. Taking on board some of the advice here, I’ve made a list of things I want to tackle in IC as I felt my sessions were not really going anywhere. On that list I have low self esteem, people pleasing and codependency. I’ve realised I am very codependent on my partner, we’ve been together since we were sixteen and are now in our early thirties. I’m realising I go completely out of my way to make sure he’s okay and if he’s having a bad day or struggling with anything, I take all that on as if the emotions are my own and I stress over it and try to think about how I can make it all better. Then I get upset if he doesn’t go completely out of his way to act the same towards me. He’ll offer comfort if I’m having a bad day, but he doesn’t make it his problem. My mood and my emotions mirror his.

Realising also that, as I’ve mentioned I struggle with social boundaries and ‘normal’ social interactions, I think I struggle with that same kind of thing within our relationship too, as it’s the only relationship I’ve ever known. I think this is where my boundaries get blurred. He tells me something I’m feeling isn’t normal or acceptable and I back off. Then I sit with that for sometimes months, resenting his reaction and wondering if I’m the problem. I’m very unsure of myself, very self conscious, very worried about stepping on people’s toes or upsetting anyone, even if it means I continue to be upset about something.

I feel like posting here has made me more self aware and made me realise there are things that I need to work on aside from healing from this ridiculous trauma. That I wasn’t happy before or happy within myself before this happened. That our relationship wasn’t great and I also played a part in that (though I still put 75% of our previous relationship problems on him as I think a lot of my behaviour was a reaction to his).

This seems like a lot of bad stuff I’ve realised but it’s made me feel a little hopeful in a way. Like now I’ve noticed it, I can try to fix it. I’ll cling onto this relationship until my fingers give in as long as my kids are young and still at home, but that is also freeing in a way because I feel like that gives me time. I can make the most of the time with my kids, and work on these things at the same time.

At the end of it all, if the relationship does fail or he cheats again, I’m hoping I’ll be a better version of myself and more able and willing to stand on my own two feet and step away.

7 comments posted: Saturday, November 2nd, 2024

Anxiety at an all time high

My anxiety has been through the roof lately. Life has been very busy, I'm not sleeping well, and I just feel so incredibly anxious all the time.

We were having a good period and it's like my brain just went 'No stop, this person hurt you, remember?' I feel really on edge all the time. I previously said that my WS had given his notice in for the end of the year with his band but that's not the case. He's said he wants to find a replacement first. I said so if that takes a year or two or more, you'll stay with them until then and he said yes. The band continues to be my biggest trigger, getting worse over time, to the point that he can't talk to me about any of it anymore, apart from what I need to know like where he's going and when. I shut down if he tries to talk to me about the gigs or the band members,

The anxiety at the thought of this continuing for possibly years has been overwhelming. Everything else has been fine, he's been doing everything else and we were getting a long great and there was a sense of comfort again.

I'm having bad dreams, I mostly can't remember them when I wake up, but I wake up scared. Many nights, my partner has had to nudge me awake because I'm calling out in my sleep or twitching. One night I woke up already sitting up and he was reassuring me I was dreaming and telling me to calm down. Even though I can't remember the dreams, I wake up feeling uneasy and exhausted, like I haven't even slept.

My self esteem is at an all time low. Not so much looks wise, I'm mostly fine with how I look, but socially. I think I've said before I'm not very confident and I get social anxiety and always feel like I say the wrong things, talk too much, don't talk enough, etc. I replay conversations in my head constantly and feel stupid about social interactions I've had.

Yesterday I bumped into my WS and my son while on a work errand with a colleague. I didn't even introduce the colleague and my partner, ignored them both and spoke to my kid. It played on my mind all day and my partner told me when I got home that he was upset by the interaction, and felt like I'd completely blanked him. I think I didn't know how to introduce him, especially in front of my kid who still thinks we're separated and he's just living with us until he finds a place of his own (didn't want to keep going back and forth and confusing them). My brain just went blank so I didn't introduce them at all. My partner has accepted my apology but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel bad that I ignored him like that and also feel like I made myself look bad in front of my colleague by being so rude. I don't know whether to also bring this up with the colleague or just ignore it and hope I forget about it eventually.

I keep reading tips on how to deal with all these things, but feel like I don't have the time or energy to put anything into practise. I'm in survival mode again, just get through the day, one day at a time.

This is a messy post sorry, I just feel like I needed to get it all out somewhere.

ETA - I have decided to try R, mainly because I can’t handle the thought of being away from my kids 50% of the time, but also because when things are good, they’re good. There is still love there and I don’t want to separate right now.

15 comments posted: Wednesday, October 30th, 2024

How Much to Communicate

I’m struggling lately with how much to keep talking about the infidelity. We’re coming up to 8 months after DDay, he’s started putting in the work and I’m acknowledging that (cautiously), but I am noticing that now that things are settled a little and ‘okay’ I’m finding it harder to bring up when I’m sad or triggered.

I posted last week about so many triggers while we were out that I intended to talk to him about it the next day, but after I had pulled myself together we had a good night and then the next day it seemed pointless almost? Like we had a good night, why ruin it now? But then I’m torn because there were a couple things on my mind and I felt he hadn’t been empathic/understanding enough about one thing in particular so I should talk to him about that right?

It feels tiring to ruin the calmness that’s been long missed by bringing it all up again.
Do you tell your WS every time you face a trigger or are upset over something or just having a bad day with it all?

I was thinking of suggesting like an allocated time once a week where we talk about it because I feel like we should still be talking about it. He does talk about it any time I want to and calmly, but I know it sends him on a shame spiral and I feel like there might be only so much of that a person can take. I know this is all his fault, but is it productive to keep talking about it so much?

One thing in particular that’s getting to me is that we are still being intimate and I am usually fine with that during (and if I’m not okay during then I say and we stop) but immediately afterwards, I just get really sad? Even if I initiate it. I don’t know what the solution to that is.

I guess I’m stuck on how much work I need to do by myself and how much of it should be done together maybe. Like the fact that I’ve become obsessed again with checking AP’s instagram and comparing myself to her (i know I shouldn’t but it’s become a habit again), and obviously that’s very triggering. But I’m doing that to myself, there’s nothing he can do there right?

I asked him to stop talking to me about his job while he’s still in this band and he agreed but looked really upset about it. Even though he’s looking for other work and leaving soon, I find I’m more triggered by it than ever. Possibly because until he actually leaves, I’m not 100% certain he’ll follow through. But it’s a tribute band to a very famous band and I can’t even hear that bands name without spiralling which is not ideal obviously.

I don’t know how to manage all the triggers that seem to be coming at me lately, or how much of dealing with it is on him, and how much of it is on me.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, October 22nd, 2024

Always one step forward, two steps back

Just wanted to vent really.
Currently locked myself in a music venue toilet cubicle fighting off tears and trying to breathe.

Things were good. He hasn’t done anything ‘bad’ but I’ve had a rough few days. Agreed to come to this gig hoping I’d be fine and we’d have a good night. I feel so out of place. First off had a meltdown about what to wear - couldn’t stop thinking about affair partner who is 22 and looks great in skimpy clothing, felt frumpy and ridiculous in everything.

Then we get here and everyone’s asking about his band that he’s leaving. Fear of bumping into an old band mate of his who he had an inappropriate friendship with a few years ago - no physical cheating, just a bit too close.
Now we’ve come to this venue and he’s mentioned his friend used to work here and I’ve realised it’s where he took his tinder date three years ago while we were technically on a break but not really and still sleeping together.

I just want to go home. Feels like there’s never any escaping it. Always a bit of progress and then right back to the shit again.

8 comments posted: Friday, October 18th, 2024

Book Recommendations?

So I’ve had a bad couple of days. No reason in particular, everything is still going fine, I guess the bad days are just part of it. Lots of mind movies and comparisons between myself and the AP. Can’t seem to stay away from her Instagram!

IC was going well and we had just changed the focus from my relationship to myself which I was really excited about, but my therapist has stopped replying to messages and during our last session couldn’t really offer much help even though I felt the problems I was bringing would be basic for a therapist? I don’t know.

I was wondering if anyone had book recommendations that are maybe not specifically focused on recovering from infidelity but more on issues like self esteem and having more confidence in social situations.

I’m a huge introvert, very closed off. The word ‘reserved’ has been politely used by employers in the past.

I find the biggest comparison I make between myself and AP is that she seems very outgoing, very social, and very confident. Not that I’m trying to be like her but those are qualities that I would like to have. I struggle with small talk and social boundaries in that I don’t know what’s okay to ask and what’s not if that makes sense. I’m trying really hard at work but find I usually wait for people to come to talk to me and ask me questions, and then I get embarrassed because I feel like I’m just talking about myself. I really struggle with getting caught up in what people might think of me, to the point that I not only hide when I’m annoyed/upset about something, but also when I’m happy or excited too.

I’m going to a gig with my partner soon and a group of his friends, some I’ve met and some I haven’t. I’m so nervous about it. I always get like that if we’re going somewhere in a music setting. I feel like my partner is like AP, very loud and outgoing and has an air of confidence (which I know isn’t real but that’s how it comes across) and I always think I seem boring in comparison and people are thinking ‘why is he with her? She’s so boring’.

I don’t do a lot. I parent, I work, I read a lot and I like creative writing. That’s about it. Don’t watch a lot of movies or TV, have a kind of cliche music taste that I think music fans would roll their eyes at.

I just want to get some tips on feeling confident and comfortable in social situations. I’m always so on edge and then spend days thinking about stuff I said that seemed like the wrong thing to say.

I guess it’s my emotional writer side. Small talk seems boring, I want to know people properly and I guess tend to skip the basics

I would also love to not actually care that much if people don’t take a liking to me.

I realise this may be off topic but thought it might be okay as it’s all a part of the healing process right? Trying to fix myself and all that.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 15th, 2024

The Sadness Is Back

We've had a pretty calm week or two here. My partner is actively working on all of the things he agreed to previously, he's started his new job so he's out of the house a lot during the day, I finished working on a work project that had been causing me some stress for the last few months because I was struggling to focus on it, I'm settling into my new job. The arguments have subsided now that he's agreed to do certain things to work on himself and is actively looking for a new music job. His gigs and time away is limited for now until the end of the year, which is when he's given his notice for.

But now that the arguments have stopped and the anger has died down and we're being 'nice' to each other again, I can feel that old sadness creeping back in. I think maybe the constant back and forth on what I wanted and expected from him generated so much anger and caused so much tension at home that I hadn't even thought about why we were actually having these arguments in the first place. I had barely thought about his ONS, barely thought about the OW, stopped checking his and her social media, the mind movies had stopped. Now that everything is calm again (for now), it's all I can think about again. Constantly checking her instagram, mind movies are relentless, I'm even dreaming about him cheating. We're not talking about it because I feel like there's nothing new to say, no new questions to ask, but I have that constant stream of questions again like 'did he enjoy it more with her?' 'did he prefer the way she did this?' 'does he like this the way she looks more than me?' and so on and on. It's becoming relentless. I'm trying to ignore it and continue being nice, because things are okay at the moment and I can see him actively doing the things he said he would do. It's also been a thought in my mind, even before the cheating, that he finds me boring, and I've wondered since he cheated if he only stays here because it's easier for him to do so. He has denied that many many times, but I still can't get rid of that thought.

I feel like by being nice, I'm letting him 'get away with it', even though the last few months have been hell for us both. I feel like I need to make him feel bad about it every now and then, to remind him what he did and that he should be grateful I'm still here.

I don't know if it's just because we're just at the start of him actually starting to do the bigger things that I've been asking for and I'm still cautious and pessimistic about whether he will keep that all up, or if it's normal at this stage to still be so sad about it.

Triggers seem worse and more often, like literally everything makes me think about it.

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself, and I'm trying, and I find I have a little more time now that he has a new job and is out of the house most days, the kids are back at school after their summer break, I've finished the big project I was working on, my new jobs is longer shifts just two or three days a week so I have time off when the kids are at school. I'm just feeling a bit like 'what do I do now?'

I have stuff I want to do. I started writing a book last year, ditched it after DDay because I couldn't concentrate on anything and was keeping myself so busy that I was burnt out. I couldn't even remember what I wrote. I re-read it yesterday for the first time in months and was thrilled to find that I was actually enjoying what I had written and I am excited to get back to it, but I just feel a bit flat now. Like, I don't know how to even begin letting go of everything that just happened, and honestly, I don't want to. I don't want him to ever forget what he did.

I'm glad the anger has gone for now, but I feel like it was driving me to keep doing things, and the sadness that's come back is doing the opposite, it's just making me want to hide in my bed for a while.

Just wondering how others managed to keep doing things for themselves when they were feeling flat and unmotivated and just sad about it all?

5 comments posted: Monday, September 30th, 2024

Quick Update. Advice Needed

So he didn’t quit the band three days in a row after saying he would. Hasn’t seemed himself, been with it at all.

We spoke last night. He’s having the same mental health problems he was having before which I won’t go into but were serious enough that he ended up in hospital. No I don’t think he’s lying about that because I can see it and have noticed it coming back over the last few weeks/months.

His new proposition (but he has said if I choose to end things he’ll go without a fuss and leave me alone) is:

* straight back to the drs and back on his medication (doing that today)
* IC immediately (which he’s fought against the whole time)
* having a conversation with band members so that they treat his alcoholism the same way as the other guy - with respect and concern and intervening if needed.
* straight back to hotel rooms after gigs

He’s also suggested looking for a different job that is only UK based and less gigs.

I feel like my emotions are getting in the way of me thinking about this properly. I feel like he let me down again by not doing as he said. I feel like I’m second best to his job if he’s willing to leave me as long as he can stay in his job. I feel like he can’t love me the way I need him to.

I also know that I am in an incredibly emotional state right now and it’s probably not a good idea to make big decisions, but that I am struggling with living with him. I don’t want a temporary split because I think that would make things worse. I want to make a decision and move on with my life but I don’t feel like I have the energy, mentally or physically, to do so.

He’s offering what I was asking for before but it feels like maybe it’s too late? I don’t know if I can accept it anymore.

I’m also obviously concerned about his wellbeing now. I’m wondering if maybe the IC will help and have a knock on off effect in helping the relationship.

Am I just being stubborn and refusing to accept what I’ve been asking for? I’m thinking of seeing how it goes. I’m worried that he’ll make the changes away from me and then I’ll see that and regret not trying again.

I just really don’t know what to do.

21 comments posted: Monday, September 23rd, 2024

Gut Instict or Anxiety?

So brief recap for those who haven’t read my other posts
My partner is a musician. Had a ONS in February while in a different country for work. Lots of up and down since. He refuses to leave the band/agree to certain things that would make me feel better. Attempting a 180 but seriously struggling this weekend.
So he’s currently in a different country again. I’ve been really sad for this trip for some reason, usually it’s anger, but this time I’ve been quite teary.
The time difference is weird in that he’s hours behind me this time, it’s usually the opposite. He said this country wasn’t very safe and that they were worried about that so would only be going for drinks in the hotel lobby if that. I’ve woken up to a text saying he’s gone back to the organiser’s apartment and it’s just the organiser, his wife, and the drummer from his band there and that he’s not drinking. He didn’t read/reply to my messages after that. Said he’d let me know when he would be leaving so he could call me and the kids. (Told them yesterday he’d be calling at the time he text me instead).

Now I’ve felt anxious while he’s been on trips before, especially when he’s gone out after, but when he cheated I remember having a clear feeling that he was lying to me that night and when he stopped responding to texts I immediately knew that he had done something.
I’ve got that horrible feeling again that he’s lying, just the same sicky feeling in my stomach. I can’t work out if it’s just regular anxiety but it doesn’t really feel like it. I feel like he’s lying either about where he is or who he’s with. And now he’s not responding to my messages.

He has never gone back to an organiser’s apartment before, seems odd to me? In a country where they were worried about safety too? Like how is he getting back to the hotel?

I’ve just got that horrible feeling again and don’t know what to do about it.
Thought the 180 was going well but I can’t even keep that up. It’s too exhausting. I just want him either to do what I’ve asked or go but that’s not financially possible so I’m stuck.

10 comments posted: Sunday, September 15th, 2024

Focusing on Myself

After being determined to separate if my WS didn’t agree to do the things I wanted to do to move forward, I found myself in a weeks-long argument that has drained every bit of mental energy from me and left me exhausted.
He didn’t agree, then did but in a ‘I suppose I have to’ petulant teenager kind of way which tipped me over the edge.

Separation isn’t really possible atm without having a big negative effect on the kids and I can’t take the conversations/arguments anymore, I literally have nothing left in me for it. I’ve told him to do whatever he wants and I’ll see what that is. If by the end of the year there’s been no improvements then we’ll separate so he has to plan for the possibility of moving out when we get to the new year which gives him plenty of time.

My therapist said she thought this was a good idea as it’s all having such an impact on my mental and physical health and there’s only so long I can deal with that. She said the next sessions we have will focus on how to stop myself ruminating, overthinking and focusing on him, and how to turn the attention back to myself and just leave him get on with whatever he wants to do with the option to end the relationship at the end of the year when we’ll be in a better position to make that an easier transition for the kids.

I know I’ll be working on it with my therapist but I only see her fortnightly due to the cost so I’m looking for tips on how I can turn my focus back to myself and stop what he’s doing taking up all my brain space. Any tips would be greatly appreciated as I’m just done with it and want to get my life back.

15 comments posted: Saturday, September 7th, 2024

Spiralling

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147 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024

Sick of This In-Between Part

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2 comments posted: Wednesday, July 24th, 2024

Polygraphs

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4 comments posted: Wednesday, July 17th, 2024

Overthinking?

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2 comments posted: Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

When to stop asking questions?

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16 comments posted: Friday, July 12th, 2024

Emotional Affairs

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15 comments posted: Thursday, July 11th, 2024

Dealing With Time Apart

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2 comments posted: Sunday, July 7th, 2024

Having A Really Hard Time

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23 comments posted: Wednesday, June 26th, 2024

Reconciled - but now I’m not sure.

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6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 24th, 2024

Partner Cheated

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17 comments posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024