The Paradox of Forgiveness: Understanding Reconciliation After Betrayal
I've come across an interesting thought and would love to hear your insights on it.
Recently, I was discussing reconciliation with someone who had gone down that path after experiencing betrayal. I often find the concept of forgiveness fascinating, as I personally struggle to understand how one could forgive and accept such a significant betrayal. For me it's entirely at odds with my principles. Generally speaking, though no one is perfect, I can say I live my life in line with these principles. While I can see the benefits if one possesses certain character traits, I'm ultimately unsure if I could ever comprehend the desire to forgive something so cruel.
During our conversation, the person said, "I always thought cheating was a deal breaker for me, but..." This notion is not new; many of us have heard similar sentiments before. However, it struck me that individuals who reconcile after betrayal—despite initially asserting that it would be a deal breaker—might actually be the best candidates for reconciliation.
They are, in a way, betraying their own principles just as the wayward spouse did. I’m not equating the two acts in a moral sense, but the decision-making process has parallels. Typically, most cheaters never envision themselves capable of infidelity; they hold that principle firmly. Yet something occurs that warps their understanding, leading them to act against it. This mirrors the reconciler’s journey, who once thought they would never accept cheating. Once faced with the reality of betrayal, they find themselves torn and unwilling to let go.
This fascinating symmetry, perhaps not a new concept but I thought it was interesting.
29 comments posted: Thursday, February 27th, 2025
Moving forward, request for some experienced insight and a bit of ramble
Hi all,
I'm looking for a little advice. First, I want to share that it has been a long time since I experienced betrayal from my ex. The first three years were challenging, but I eventually got through it. I followed the typical suggestions: I picked up hobbies, got in great shape, and leaned on my friends and family. I even ran 100 miles in a month, participated in a charity kickboxing fight, and hammered dating apps—all the clichéd activities a man desperate to rebuild his ego might try. I also turned to self-help books, which proved to be a turning point for me.
Over the next three years, I felt I had healed and moved on. I found a long-term partner, my career flourished, and life was good. However, over the last twelve months, I've found myself dwelling on the past again. While the anger has faded, the feelings surrounding the betrayal linger. I think this introspection is tied to my recent efforts to address the remortgage and transfer of equity to remove my ex from our property. Yes, I know it took me six years to get to this point. Word of warning: don’t buy a property that’s beyond your financial means.
Going through this process led me to read about infidelity. Perhaps it was an attempt to understand what I went through—this is how my mind works—or maybe it was a form of "pain shopping." I suspect this need to delve into the subject stems from a lack of closure. In my case, all I received was denial of infidelity, followed by the breakup, and the truth came out very publicly through friends. I never had a face-to-face admission or an apology; the last communication from her was denial and gaslighting. Regardless, I realize that closure isn't a feasible option for me, and I don't want to pursue that further.
The remortgage completed last month, though it took around eight all in. Thanks to many complicating factors. I expected to feel as if a terrible chapter of my life had closed, but instead, I felt nothing.
As I continued to read about infidelity and hear about others' experiences, I found myself engaged in the topic from a theoretical perspective. Given my past betrayal, I'm not sure if this interest is healthy; it has almost morphed into a hobby. I genuinely believe I have valid insights to contribute, which led me to engage in forums like this one. However, I worry about whether this is truly a healthy pursuit or if it's too close to the bone to be considered a hobby.
Now, to the point at hand: this year, I plan to propose to my partner. I have never felt so romantically fulfilled. We are best friends, we share strong moral alignment, and our sex life is fantastic. As we approach my intended proposal date, I've started to experience a few irrational worries. I know these concerns are baseless, given our relationship—there are no red flags whatsoever.
But haven't we all read stories where everything seemed until along came a spider...
Do you think it would be unreasonable at some point, post-engagement and before marriage, to sit her down and say something like: "I have no doubts about you at all, but my past has left me somewhat damaged. Ahead of marrying you, I’d like to exchange phones and take a deep dive to make sure nothing inappropriate has gone on through our relationship. Just to silence these irrational thoughts"?
Is this a fair request, considering it stems from unfounded fears, or would you suggest I simply try to move past these thoughts?
Thank you for your thoughts.
36 comments posted: Friday, February 21st, 2025
Touching Base On Views of Hall Passes and Revenge Affairs
Hi everyone,
I’d like to open a conversation about how the community's views have evolved regarding hall passes and revenge affairs.
During my research, I noticed that much of the content surrounding these topics, despite being a few years old, skews heavily negative. I struggled to find anyone who would publicly advocate for these actions.
Let’s start with revenge affairs. I understand the counterarguments here; it’s true that situations like these are rarely straightforward, and the saying "two wrongs don't make a right" does hold some validity. However, I can appreciate the perspective that engaging in a revenge affair might serve to level the playing field. While many manage to navigate the feelings of resentment through therapy or other healthy outlets, I recognize that some individuals may find it difficult to move past the hurt caused by a partner’s infidelity. In such cases, revenge affairs might feel like a means of regaining a sense of autonomy or justice.
Furthermore, it seems essential for individuals involved in infidelity to grasp the full impact of their actions. I argue that true reconciliation is nearly impossible without both partners understanding the nuances of that betrayal. It feels somewhat hollow to seek forgiveness without considering how one would feel in the position of the harmed partner.
This brings me to the often-debated notion that a cheater cannot justifiably divorce a partner who has also cheated. While I recognize that individuals are entitled to their own boundaries, I must contend that this notion is, at its core, hypocritical. If both parties have agreed to certain boundaries and one partner breaches them, it's inconsistent to condemn the other for doing the same. Hypocrisy, in my view, is unavoidable in that scenario.
Is it ideal to find oneself in such complicated circumstances? Certainly not. But neither is the original act of betrayal.
My character is such I could never personally reconcile either way. I'm far to principled and know I would never respect myself for reconciling with a cheater, perhaps a character flaw on my behalf. That being said, if due to family or financial constraints it was inconceivable to divorce. I feel I could only let go of the resentment if they forgave me of cheating also.
Now, regarding hall passes, I genuinely struggle to identify a moral counterpoint. In this case, consent has been actively given, which is a clear distinction from the betrayal that comes with cheating, where consent is absent.
I realize that I am combining two quite different subjects, so I welcome any differing opinions on each.
Please note, my intention here is purely academic; I'm not presenting evidence on the success rates of relationships that have experienced revenge affairs, nor am I suggesting that engaging in them will improve a relationship. However, from a moral and logical standpoint, it seems that the cheater has little ground to stand on when it comes to expressing outrage about their partner's potential actions in response.
115 comments posted: Friday, February 7th, 2025
