When do I give up?

I have read these forums for years but today is my very first post. We are mad hatters. We have been together since middle school for over 30 years and married for 20 years. My husband had an affair that started in 2010 and I found out in 2011. It broke my heart but I never wanted to divorce. I fought many of my battles alone because he was angry and didn’t want to talk about the affair. He just wanted me to get over it and stop talking about it. I tried to work on our marriage but I felt like it was very one sided. He has always felt that he helps with the kids and house and that should be enough. I was so lost and hurt and broken and starved for attention that I became selfish. I then had an affair in 2016 and my husband found out about it in 2019. Since then we have been working on reconciliation and our marriage, we resaid our vows and promised never to hurt each other again. Or so I thought? We had the typical ups and downs and distance due to daily busy life as working parents. About 3 months ago I was sharing my needs with my husband and he exploded that he has been miserable every day since my affair. He doesn’t know what he wants. He just says he can’t do it anymore but won’t say he wants a divorce. I did convince him to do individual and marriage counseling but they both just seem to make him more angry. I have been putting every ounce of energy in to show him that I love him, I want him and that he is not alone. He is not doing the same for me. He only wants to talk about my mistakes never fully admitting he did the same thing to me. Every day is a battle where he is angry and negative and cannot see any positive or focus on the future. He says he loves me but looks at me differently and feels the damage has been done to our marriage. I promised to never give up again but I don’t know how long I can do this. It is causing stress, anxiety, difficulty eating and sleeping. How long do I keep fighting for my marriage alone?

13 comments posted: Wednesday, January 15th, 2025