So much pain

Here’s my story, married 25 years 2 sons, no major problems throughout our marriage just I feel at times we were disconnected. New Year’s Eve 2024 my WS told me he needed to confess somethings to me because he felt like we were the closest we’ve ever been in our marriage and he felt I needed to know. He told me in 2004 on a night out with his cousin he went with a sex worker, same cousin again on a night out in 2006 he did it again and then again in 2008. These were all ‘gifts’ from his cousin. Fast forwards to 2019 he started an emotional affair with a coworker which was on and off for 16 months, he’d drop her off home after work and they’d end up kissing and touching then say it was wrong and we won’t do it again but they kissed and had sexual contact 8 times in 16 months, one night he ended up in her house as she asked him to go in and they nearly ended up going upstairs for sex but he ran off, the next day at work she called him a chicken. they kissed a couple of occasions after that but then he said he realised it had gone too far and transferred department at work and ghosted her.
I’ve had him take a lie detector to confirm all these details and no deception indicated, he’s telling the truth there was no sexual intercouse and no oral sex. This happened 3 years ago and he’s just told me, I’m absolutely devastated, can’t sleep, eat, my brain isn’t working properly, I can’t hold a conversation with anyone.
I don’t know why the incidents with the sex workers don’t bother me nearly half as much as the emotional affair because they didn’t sleep together.
The constant thoughts of them kissing in the car are consuming me, I’ve tried everything to make them stop but I can’t and it’s killing me.
He’s been so supportive, he’s told me everything a thousand times over, answers all questions, listening to me and doing everything I need, he says he will do everything and anything in his power for me to work out our marriage and everything he’s said he does.In 25 years I’ve only seen him cry once when his mother died but he’s cried with me nearly every day and at times begging to stop crying because he can’t see me in pain anymore. I want to work things out but sometimes the pain and thoughts are unbearable and I just want to run away.
Sometimes I’m very positive about our future and I’m sure we can work it out and sometimes I think I’m wasting my time.
He said he the reason for the affair is because he failed to put boundaries in place and it crossed the line in to flirting then taking dirty to each other, he said he got a kick out of it because she’s half his age and he was extremely flattered and his ego at work was being stroked every day, he said she would not entertain his talk about his problems and so she made him forget his problems at home (we were renovating our home at the time), she was fun to be around and he said she followed him around like a puppy and then he said after he went in her house and ran off he started to be repulsed by her.
One thing that bothers me is he says that each kiss was a mistake and it infuriates me because why did it happen 8 times?.
He says but I did stop it in the end before it went too far and he said the guilt was eating him alive.

If you got this far thank you for listening to me waffle on and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

33 comments posted: Sunday, February 9th, 2025