SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all! I don’t know if many remember me but I used to post obnoxiously often quite some time ago. Thankfully, life has been fairly monotonous lately so I haven’t had much of a need to post…until now.

General update: still single, not remotely interested in dating, and my health is as normal as it’s ever been after dealing with breast cancer last year. Same condo for over two years, same job for 15 years now, and working at home due to COVID. DS is perfect. He’s 10 now, in the 5th grade, and makes me feel oh so old…. He’s traded train and dinosaur toys for Legos, drums, and a newfound love of archery. And, as always, he’s at the heart of my post. His father is still Asshat. I don’t see his name or behaviors ever changing.

Brief story-telling time needed to get to the current issue: Asshat has three brothers and one of them died in a car accident this past spring. He was only 35 and he left behind one son, just eight months younger than DS. The son’s mother has never been involved so the son now lives with Asshat’s mother. Asshat’s mother…who spent a few years in prison for sexually abusing Asshat between the ages of 11-13. How she is allowed to raise her grandson is beyond me…. Asshat’s brother apparently promised he would take his son to Yellowstone someday. Asshat’s mother wants to take the son next summer and Asshat wants to take his family, including DS. They would be gone for two weeks.

My issue: they will all be traveling and sleeping in a camper together. Asshat, his girlfriend (they’ve never married, don’t know if they’re still engaged), her son, their two kids, DS, the pedophilic mother and the nephew. I can’t begin to express how uncomfortable that makes me and how much anxiety it causes to know my son will be even sleeping in the same place as his “grandmother”. The only semi-related stipulation within the divorce decree on this is that Asshat will not leave DS unsupervised with any sex offenders in his family, which, unfortunately, there are quite a few of them.

DS is 10. He has a phone to be able to reach me. We've had so many of the necessary talks. But my mom brain won’t ease up. Back when I was with Asshat, everyone swept his mother’s abuse under the rug, blamed it on her drinking, and said she was rehabilitated. Asshat had this same attitude and his brothers often used her for childcare. They could say what they wanted, they could rug sweep all they wanted, but I never, ever left DS with her for even a second. I was abused growing up so I obviously know what that does to a person and I wasn’t about to put my son at risk. With everyone’s attitudes the way they are, I can completely see Asshat telling me one thing but then letting his mother watch all the kids some night so he and his girlfriend could do something on their own. Obviously I’m experienced with his history of saying one thing and doing another.

What would you do? Would you let your child go?

I’ll admit I still wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with the two week trip if Asshat’s mother weren’t going but I recognize that as just being a mom who hasn’t been away from her son for that long of a time. That’s on me and wouldn’t be any reason I would keep DS from going. As a side note, DS doesn’t even want to go. Asshat and his girlfriend use her older son and DS to help with the two little ones constantly and DS just sees the trip as more work for him since they would be on the road. That said though, he is part of their family, it’s a family trip, they want to include him, and he hasn’t been to Yellowstone yet....sigh.....

Thoughts? Thanks, everyone.

Hi, lilies21!

Similar abused background here, so take this with that grain of salt.

DS doesn't want to go because AH set up a situation where visit Dad equals babysit. Don't make DS go if he doesn't want to.

EDITED I wouldn't feel too good about having the Mom around, either.

[This message edited by devotedman at 8:17 AM, October 10th, 2020 (Saturday)]

Hi lillies I remember you. So good to hear your son and you are doing well.

My first thought:call your attorney and see if legally you can do anything, including is he old enough to have a say? (I had to get the police to help me get my youngest back after a weekend, I think he was 12. The police said that if DS said no, they weren’t going to make him come with them, I’d have to go to court to complain).

2nd thought: Does your divorce decree say anything about certain weeks in the summer? If so, it’d be great at the last minute you could say, I’m sorry those are my two weeks and I have plans.

3rd thought. I know this sounds crazy. Can you get vacation those 2 weeks and stay in the general area so your DS can call you if left alone with the x-mil. Then you could pick him up, take photos of Dad not around, and finish the vacation with your son. And then take him to court for contempt when you get back.

FWIW do not answer them yet. You don’t want anything in writing either. My xh tried to take my kids on a summer vacation with psycho OW. Luckily, he requested the weeks after his May 1 deadline, so I said no, that he knew what the D decree said about the date to request and I made plans since I didn’t hear from him, and it was my bday that week anyway.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:34 AM, October 10th (Saturday)]

I would not let the son go near the grandmother. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and like you I have kept my kids safe and they have only been babysat by my mom and my SIL.

Can you say it's not safe during this pandemic. Too many people on the road trip?

If I read this right, Granny is a CONVICTED pedophile. No. NOOOO.

Child predators invent reasons to be alone with children. Like a camping trip. Family members often downplay the abuse in an effort to be a "normal" family.

No. Please no. Not only can his father NOT guarantee that he will never be alone with her in this situation, I cannot believe that ANY judge would order it.

It sounds like you have done an awesome job of teaching him about boundaries and his body and his right to say no. But I can also imagine it being so confusing if it were a supposed trusted family member. 😩

Next summer is a long way off and two weeks of camping is a long time. He will be 11 and if he truly does not want to go, then I would support that decision. Or maybe there is a compromise of him agreeing to only one week if he is interested. I like the idea if possible for you to be in the area and take him home early if need be at his request.

ETA-I missed that she was convicted/jailed. Hell no. Asshat can’t be trusted to tell the correct time of day, I would not trust him to not leave the kids alone at some point with her for two weeks.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 4:24 PM, October 10th (Saturday)]

HELLO LILLIES!!!!!

Listen to your gut. You have all kinds of time to plan why he can't go. Like the newfound archery interest. Dodnypu know that thos is one of the largest unused categories for college scholarships? If there are training camps during this time then you are excused. See what I am getting at?

Where there is a will there is a way and you are way smarter than asshat. So use it to your advantage. Plus there are band camps, quiz bowl, and anything else you can think of camps that are well suited to your sons interests and needs.

(((Lillies!)))

Hell. To. The. F*cking. No.

CSA survivor here, too. Just no.

NO NO NO

Your son has said no. Leave it at that.

PS- so very pleased to hear you kicked cancer's ass 💜

I would never allow my child near her.

Hi Lilies! I was just wondering about you the other day. Good to see you.

Where there is a will there is a way and you are way smarter than asshat. So use it to your advantage. Plus there are band camps, quiz bowl, and anything else you can think of camps that are well suited to your sons interests and needs.

You are WAY smarter than that loser. You will figure this out, I am certain about that because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.... And you have always figured out Asshat.

... but can lillies say no, legally? Does xwh get any 2 weeks in the summer?

I don't understand how you can not say no to your child being with a convicted child predator? How would any judge justify this as being okay?

Lilies!! HIIIII!!!

DS doesn't want to do then he doesn't go. Period. If AH really wants DS to go then he can take you to court and you can tell the judge your concerns and you also have plenty of evidence from over the years i.e. AH not participating in DS's scouts etc.

That aside as a survivor of CSA and a mental health professional who treats CSA I would definitely want you to err on the side of caution. Does DS even see "grandma" now? Because I'm guessing not so why the hell would a 10-year old boy want to spend 2 weeks with that cluster to go see a park with a geyser?!?!?

P.S. Nice to hear from you. You are a great mom. DS is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him. Keep up the great work!

Hi lilies!

I agree with this:

DS doesn't want to do then he doesn't go. Period. If AH really wants DS to go then he can take you to court and you can tell the judge your concerns

Sending DS would be a hard pass from me.

Hi lilies!!! Great to see you! Have you really been in your condo for 2 years?!? Wow. Time flies!

I agree with everyone else. No way can DS go on this "family" trip.

Are there any activities going on during the expected dates your son could sign up for?

I'm just thinking about how to be more non-confrontational, should you feel so inclined.

I do occasionally have moments of maturity

NO. Just NO. And be sure to let your attorney know. Is that Grandmother on the sex offender list? If not she definitely should be and have NO contact with children. In my state that is strictly enforced.

HELL NO!

Convicted sex offender: No. Your son doesn't even want to go anyway: No.

No is a complete sentence.

Oh hell no would I allow him to go, especially if he didn't want to anyways. Removing the infidelity issue completely from the picture, it is a flat-out safety issue. Grandmother or no, she is a pedophile who's choice of victim is boys right around your son's age. I repeat - hell. to. the. fucking. NO. I can't imagine any judge disagreeing with you.

Is Gma a registered sex offender b/c of her incarceration? If so, that might be used to not permit your son to go. I wouldn't let a sex offender around my child.

On a second note, why is Asshat willing to be around his predator? Is he sick in the mind as well?