SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am coming from a place almost four years from divorce where I went from feeling a deep need to partner up, to loving being single and free with my new place. I usually have my teen son here, with intermittent breaks with him at Dads and me being giddy I get to do whatever I want without answering to anyone or cleaning up after anyone. I even just eat snacks from the fridge, no real meals. Once he moves out though, it will be different I have been warned.

So, I am thinking I am healthy and ready to pair up because even in the midst of my loving being single I have moments when my son is not here where I think how alone I actually am. Just moments where it would be nice to have a significant other in my life, but to be honest, more like if I had to go to the hospital there would be no one local who cares a whole lot, just freinds that are married or paired up for the most part. I also can't picture myself ever living with another adult full time again other than my son.

I was here a bit back questioning a person I have been dating who claims his ex had mental issues. Since then I have come to feel very comfortable that he isn't trying to bamboozle me and is actually a really good guy. I am getting used to someone being there to text in the moment, check in on etc. Not that I didn't used to do that more with various friends.

The problem is I am so hot and cold with this person in the worst way. Quite often I am just not that excited when it's time to get together, but then when we actually are together, I enjoy myself, but not over the top.

I am not sure if it's me wanting to stay single, or if he just isn't the right one for me. He has made it clear he is really into me, plus we have a lot in common, and that is a precious thing I value and it is NOT easy to find. He's the first person I have dated that checks so many boxes, but not all of course.

It's the weirdest thing though lately. I am feeling a connection forming and it feels WEAK. Like something at my core is being sacrificed with a feeling of need/fear of being alone if I end this creeping in. Being left or leaving someone who isn't good to you is easier than choosing to be without a solid partner when looking at it from this angle. I also lately find myself wondering how I could have been so happy completely single, (yet I still wanted to date so I still was looking), yet I want that back before it's too late and I connect more.

Us humans are adaptable over time and maybe this is that, but maybe it's a sign to back off because I am not more into him. Or maybe the cheating ruined me! :-). (And that is okay actually, I will have a good excuse then!). I don't want to drag him on and of course I feel that pressure as well. I have no idea right now! I would miss him pretty bad if we ended it though.

Just throwing this out to see what others thoughts are on this. It is messing with my happy little isolated world I was enjoying:-).

I am not sure if it's me wanting to stay single, or if he just isn't the right one for me.

Anna, what you describe is exactly what I had with my partner of 3.5 years. I liked him well enough, but the feeling never seemed to deepen. I felt disconnected but, as with you, I kept thinking that I wouldn’t find anyone as good as him, that he ticked so many boxes, that he was a much better prospect than being alone. Basically, I had to psych myself up to stay in that relationship. But the dissonance between what I really felt and what I told myself grew and grew, and with it the resentment of being in a relationship that took so much of my time but didn’t seem to add much value. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I was staying for all the wrong reasons. When I left him, the relief was immense and I have loved being single since.

So, you really need to ask yourself why you are staying with this guy. Are you into him or are you just settling? Does he complement your life or can you take it or leave it? Do you feel excited to see him, or do you resent the fact that he’s robbing you of your free time ? And above all, do you see your lukewarm feelings developing into something else further down the line? You have to be honest with yourself Anna!

Ok I have been "that guy" similar to the one you are dating, so I will give my perspective from that.

Before I married my STBX I was in a relationship with a woman who recently moved to CO from Boston. She retired from the Navy and had some relatives here. She also had just gone through a divorce there in MA.

I was 17 years out from my first marriage, had gone through bad dating experiences, loving single life, but at the time I was in the "focused on getting a long-term relationship" phase. The woman I met, I learned painfully later, was in the "hot and cold" mode you describe. When it was hot, it was really hot. When it was cold, I would sit at home scratching my head constantly wondering what I did wrong.

My advice would be transparency (something I did not get until it was too late). The woman I was dating really never gave any explanation as to the cold spells, always using the "busy" excuse (she worked a job with long hours sometimes). I ended the relationship during one of the cold spells, later tried to R but she wasn't having it. I think if she would have just sat down and told me where she was at in life, where she was at in her relationship goals, I could have adapted. I really liked her and I was in no hurry or had any deadlines. The lack of transparency wrecked my emotional stability and I think led to our breakup, because instead of understanding why she was doing it, it was left to the imagination which went every direction from "am I doing something wrong" to "is she cheating on me" and everywhere in-between.

The focus should be on yourself and your healing journey. If you feel like you want this guy in your life, then being honest with your feelings shouldn't push him away. If he cares about you, he should be supportive of your journey and not demanding.

Anyways just my 2 pesos.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 9:24 AM, April 25th (Sunday)]

Gamer:

If you feel like you want this guy in your life, then being honest with your feelings shouldn't push him away. If he cares about you, he should be supportive of your journey and not demanding.

Thanks for your insight on this. The man has been behaving as you describe yourself, which is good. Every so often he asks where I am at and I tell him that I am still not sure. I have been very up front with that. He is comfortable and open telling me is very into me. I don't respond back with the same because it would not feel honest, which is awkward, but he obviously is still fine with that or he would have been done with me. It really is my worry that at some point he is going to think this is not worth it, which I guess I should not be worried about since I am so on the fence anyhow.

Karam:

So, you really need to ask yourself why you are staying with this guy. Are you into him or are you just settling? Does he complement your life or can you take it or leave it? Do you feel excited to see him, or do you resent the fact that he’s robbing you of your free time ? And above all, do you see your lukewarm feelings developing into something else further down the line? You have to be honest with yourself Anna!

Ughh, this is a tough one. At the pit I feel he isn't the one, but when I ask myself why, it is superficial reasons. I feel he is quite solid in being 'good' for me. I honestly can take it or leave it, yet there is a deep affection growing that will be hard to back away from if I continue. I do think these lukewarm feelings could develop into much more, but not right now. I have a feeling I could be exactly what you were describing yourself as right now.

Dang, if I end up ending this, or if he looses patience, I think I am staying single after this. SO much easier! I was feeling so light, now I feel heavy with decision.

I am not sure if it's me wanting to stay single, or if he just isn't the right one for me.

Does it matter which of these that it is?

By the way, I really like your title for this thread. You are focusing on you, which is what you should be doing.

I struggle with something like you. (be warned... a lot of therapy-type conversation ahead). Like most people, my parents modeled romantic relationships for me. My mother is a verbally abusive narcissist and my dad is a people-pleasing co-dependent. I turned into the latter and I tend to date the former.

I have looked back at my past romantic relationships and the ones that I liked all involved a toxic woman and the relationships that were healthy... were the ones that I didn't like and the ones that I ended. If that sounds really unhealthy, it is!

(note: my current GF is an amazing person... so naturally, I'm thinking that something is wrong because I am not feeling abused).

So, again, you are right to ask what is wrong with YOU. I don't really have any advice for your current situation. You are totally justified to leave the relationship... or to stay in the relationship. Mostly, you just have to figure out what YOU want and what is best for YOU.

Thanks for your insight on this. The man has been behaving as you describe yourself, which is good. Every so often he asks where I am at and I tell him that I am still not sure. I have been very up front with that. He is comfortable and open telling me is very into me. I don't respond back with the same because it would not feel honest, which is awkward, but he obviously is still fine with that or he would have been done with me. It really is my worry that at some point he is going to think this is not worth it, which I guess I should not be worried about since I am so on the fence anyhow.

I believe that compatibility has many levels. While you may be completely compatible with someone emotionally, morally, shared interests, attraction, sexually...it all really doesn't matter if you are not compatible in each of your own personal readiness for a relationship. The good thing is that compatibility can come over time. The woman I gave an example of, we checked off all the boxes except for having the same relationship goals at the time. I wish I had not gone with NC after the breakup, we could have stayed friends, we could have kept a casual relationship, and then fit together at a later date. Unfortunately I took everything as a rejection (instead of a delay) and handled it wrong.

On the flip side though, you also want to realize you can't hold someone back. If you meet the perfect man, and he's gung ho to find someone to get married, settle down, have kids...and you aren't ready for that, it's not fair for either of you to be in a holding pattern. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them go (everyone thinks "letting go" is for one's self, but it can also be helpful to the other person).

It becomes a personal balancing act and judgement call, often when you question your own ability to make a judgement. The best advice I can give is to try and imagine if the roles were reversed, how would you want that person to treat you?

I was just in a situation like this. I ended up breaking up with him. It was hard because I've never had a man treat me so well, but we just didn't have enough in common. Even minutes before I broke up with him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. Then I told myself "If you want this to work, you will have to have sex with him again." That was enough for to me to stop the relationship. Despite my best efforts, sex with him was never good. I have been sad since breaking up with him, but I know it was the right choice. Maybe this man was as good as it gets for me, or maybe there is something better out there for both of us and we deserve a chance at that.

After a lot of thought, and a few more dates, I let him know that it just wasn't progressing for me. Dang that was tough. It sucks right now because of course I am second guessing myself.

It all came down to my gut reaction. When he touches me or we kiss, it is like I am ready to be done. Not pull away like a brother kind of thing, but like it's not right in some way. It's just a gut thing and he deserves someone who can't wait to see him. I could have continued but it was feeling so awkward with him being all in, like I was hiding something from him, even though I would warn him that I still wasn't sure. Every date we were getting further attached so I just felt like I had to say something.

So after we spoke I thought I would put together a list of pros and cons, and I found a list I made back when I first started dating of what I would like in a partner. He checked EVERY box except one!! I didn't realize that. The thing not on that list though was basic attraction. I remember thinking that wouldn't matter because I would be so thrilled to find someone with all of those qualities, which I did. I want to 'want' him but I just don't feel it. Ugh.

We decided we will approach this as a break for two weeks to give me a chance to see how I feel apart, which is great. He does not want to just be friends though, which I understand. Dang. I hope I am not screwing up!

Thanks for the advice, I considered it greatly before finally deciding to say what needed to be said. I was hoping he would say let's just get together anyway but I think he is actually handling it the right way, which of course makes me doubt on that as well. Geeze----

Yeah the attraction thing is a tough one. I'm sure a lot of us (myself included) have had those relationships where there was a ton of attraction and not much else. The problem is it can be in reverse as well, tons of boxes checked with no attraction. It's not something that can be forced (although some people say it can grow).

I think you're handling the situation as best you can. I've had women put me in the friend-zone, that term gets a lot of heat but sometimes it is the best thing, when they like you but are not attracted. When it's happened to me I've always respected (and stayed actual friends with some) the person.

I think you're handling the situation as best you can.

Thanks I appreciate that.

When it's happened to me I've always respected (and stayed actual friends with some) the person.

I would love it if we did this, and think it actually could grow without the pressure

It all came down to my gut reaction. When he touches me or we kiss, it is like I am ready to be done. Not pull away like a brother kind of thing, but like it's not right in some way.

Physical attraction is important Anna, unless you are just looking for companionship. You have been having doubts for a while now, and you now get a chance to detach and look at it from a distance. Just make sure that your deeper fears don’t cloud your judgement and you end up returning to him for the wrong reasons. It happened to me and I went back because the alternative (being alone) was unbearable. I ignored that inner voice and that voice got louder and louder.

Just make sure that your deeper fears don’t cloud your judgement and you end up returning to him for the wrong reasons. It happened to me and I went back because the alternative (being alone) was unbearable. I ignored that inner voice and that voice got louder and louder.

Good timing, I was just thinking I should text him--- I am feeling the missing him part right now. It's kind of selfish, not like I fear being alone, but I fear never having someone look at me the way he does again, or meeting someone with that high a caliber of integrity combined with an attraction to me.

I am not getting any younger here and as a woman that potential from someone I am equally attracted to continues to dwindle unfortunately.

After your second time leaving, what solidified the immense relief and enjoying being single again?

After your second time leaving, what solidified the immense relief and enjoying being single again

The realisation that I was finally being true to myself. I owned up to the fact that I was miserable in that relationship and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. Suddenly, being alone was an immensely better prospect than being with him.

But my point is, I shouldn’t have let it get to that point. When I left him the first time, two years into the relationship, I was really done. But instead of sticking it out, I panicked and went back. Convinced myself I wouldn’t find anyone as good as him.

One more miserable year later, I had to throw in the towel. I wasn’t sad at all, just relieved to have finally found the courage to do it. Since then, I have taken time on dating and did a lot of soul-searching. Life feels good and lighter than it has done in years. Most of all, it feels authentic. I am no longer living a lie. And I’ll never settle again.

It's so hard to figure out what is a broken picker verses he's just not the one.I would think this is something you may want to focus on in your journey.For me I was attracted to all the wrong men for so long because a part of my mind felt a comfortable familiarity with it.Time and time again I kept picking the wrong ones.I had to do some deep soul searching before I was ready to trust myself to be in a healthy relationship.You probably did the right thing for now.

Ive been in this spot and I wasnt that into him. I didnt know it at the time and had the same kind of questions. what it me? was it something missing with him? Heck I had it with my current Wbf. But I saw it for what it actually was w him. He is not perfect, nor am I, I dont want to start over even though Im not truly fulfilled in this relationship.

He maybe doesnt get all your boxes emotionally or sexually. or maybe you cant see him next to you when really old. sure good enough and kind and all that but we stay for the spark no?

"Not feeling it" may not always be a reflection of your picker, or your instinct. It may also be a timing thing, and the time in your life you may be at a healing stage, and that stage tells your gut you're not ready to be serious with someone.

That's why I'm always a fan of people keeping contact/staying friends with those who they "are not feeling it". At best you may feel it down the road, at worst you have a new friend.

That's why I'm always a fan of people keeping contact/staying friends with those who they "are not feeling it". At best you may feel it down the road, at worst you have a new friend.

Funny you should say that--- He ended up texting me and letting me know the door is still open for now but we can get together as friends no pressure, so we have met up a couple of times.

Ahhhh. I love no pressure! So all of a sudden little miss 'what is up with me' felt like I wanted to grab his hand when we were walking today. I didn't though, the last thing he needs is me sending mixed messages now that we have this understanding.

Keep in mind though a lot of people use the "friendzone" as a polite way to say, "not interested, I'm moving along". So if you do truly want to keep him around as a friend (and possibly more in the future) make sure to keep contact with him. Not 100 texts a day (like my STBXWW with the AP) contact, but a friendly how are you doing text once in a while