SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:18 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:20 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

You are singularly focused on the fact that your husband wants to have sex with you. Most men connect and emotionally bond with their wives via sex. And this is without an A intruding on the relationship. The fact that your husband wanted to have sex with you post A is a sign that he still loves you and is truly torn between the wife he still loves and the woman who betrayed him. You know this.

You’re looking at him wanting to have sex with you to use you. I disagree. You both have had sex with each other thousands of times during your relationship. At this point it’s not going to be earth shattering sex for your husband. He wanted to have sex with you to connect. Sex one day with you and then tossing you aside the next - that’s not using you that’s your husband being on the roller coaster and dealing with the incongruity in his mind about who is wife actually is, as previously mentioned.

Your husband could go out now snd have sex with who ever he pleases. He wanted to have sex with you. Think about it. The fact that he could even have sex with you without terrible mind movies is amazing in snd of itself.

Again, you look at being used. Your husband looked at it as trying to connect with his WW wife. IMO, the fact that you don’t recognize this smacks of WW behavior - selfish snd narcissistic. Your husband is not blind to this by the way. Your words say one thing but your mind set, snd probably actions, tell a completely different story.

This thread is so interesting. Betrayed are often made to feel like they need to perfect angels after DDAY. That if we're anything less we need therapy, and are controlling, and manipulative, etc. If you say anything mean after DDAY, you're the one with the issue, and it was wrong to do that. Flip though to the wayward side and suddenly everything a betrayed does is spot on, just acting out of emotion, not using anybody at all, not at all cruel, totally vindicated in whatever they do.

I think some people come over just because they enjoy bashing waywards, tbh....

The BS here can be full of emotion and on a rollercoaster as a result of the affair. It doesn't mean IAT wasn't used as a sex doll and a security blanket though. Both CAN actually be true. Life is not always an either/or game. It's messy and full of shades of grey, especially after DDAY.

IAT, you make a lot of good points about your BH's behavior. Whether his intention was malicious or not doesn't really matter. You're not wrong to feel like you were used and to question why you were good enough for sex but nothing else. He doesn't get a free pass for his actions. Your feelings are not invalid simply because you're the wayward here.

Keep standing up for yourself both here and IRL.

I know you are venting here, but the way you are acting, it sounds like you feel no remorse at all. You act more like a victim and I did felt what you experienced until those words...

"It is his responsibility to deal with that"

So the destruction you made where you habe no responsibility? I think you are not even in any mindset of anything. You did the damage and you want out now that he's damaged by you.

Like a hit and run. It sounds really sad indeed.

You are definitely acting and playing the victim card I am sorry. But you literally listed everything a WS shouldn't done, and you did every single thing in that list and now you are crying wolf about sexual abuse. Unbelievable. It sounds like you never even cared about this person in your life. Like what is wrong with you...

Not only affair situation, you also fucked up post-affair circumstances and fucked with his head. Why do you not feel guilt? Why does your post sounds more like entitled resentful WS that is still in affair fog?

Is it I wonder because you were always put on pedestal and you fucked him over and now he is making you responsible for something, and you didn't even take responsibility.

It is everso secretive but there are traces of evilness that is comming from your pattern of words. A bit narcissistic...

You are like that kid in class that failed all the questions but expects an A+ or B at least. Your words contradicts themselves. It is really unbelievable. Normally I empathise and feel the struggles of Waywards here, but from you there's just anger, resentment and ranting.

Hope you will fix your problems. Poor guy.

You will always helpless when you hand your agency over to someone else.

Print that out and put it on your mirror.

I didn't read everything in this post yet, I read your initial posts last evening and have tried to think of a way to get this across to you.

You can't control him.

He can't control you.

You have to focus on you, he needs to focus on him. You can't heal him, no matter how freely you give sex and make him dinner.

Part of the WS recovery is to learn to protect your own happiness. To love yourself, respect yourself. And, when you are doing that, you will have good boundaries with other people. Good boundaries also means knowing what's yours and what's theirs to deal with. And, in all honesty, I think that can be the same work for BS, I definitely think that's the work Hallmack needs the most.

You two need to get professional help to make that happen. Once you have two healthy individuals you can create any relationship you want. A healthy co-parenting arrangement, or a successfully built marriage.

All the stuff you guys are doing is bandaids and they are not going to hold up.

None said she didnt have the right to her feelings. The issue is she is behaving/accepting as if she has no choice in any of this. The same with her affair.

She isn't standing up for herself she is abdicating her choice and then getting upset that he is exercising his choice to sleep with her and then go NC.

Her choice starts with interaction. Standing up for herself is recognizing she has a choice even if its a shitty one. Taking the choice that benefits herself mentally and emotionally. Even if its a shitty choice. Recongizing that neither of them is healthy and choice to get them both out of the situation..even if that is a shitty choice. Even if its a hard choice. Even if its not what either of them want.

I don't think he is using her..these are two emotionally damaged people who only know how to connect in damaging ways.

IAT...the choices are shitty. But they will not change if your screaming at him about what an awful person he is, or he is screaming at you that you destroyed your family. Or if yall are screwing against the wall. Or if your balled up in the corner crying.

The shitty choices don't change. it changes when you accept you have a choice and CAN change it.

And IAT...you are so worthy of the fight. You are worthy of YOU fighting for yourself. NOt for him, not even for your kids but because YOU are worthy.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:04 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

Can we cut this "she doesn't have a voice" BS?

Her detailed rant explains that she defends herself verbally and actively and she resisted releasing any type of information about the affair. These are not the actions of a person whose being taken advsntage of.

She just tried to use pure sex to solve their problems and failed, so she is here telling us she wasted her time with him, having sex with him or "reconciling" with him. Sexual favors that steals a guys heart isn't a way to solve affair problems. It only procrastinate the work needs to be done.

So yeah, I would just leave this case alone. Her mentality of sex solves everything is weird to me. And suggesting the consensuality of the act after it didn't work, just obnoxious.

I agree with all that Prissy is saying, she is being fair and she is trying to give you some insight.

I don't think he is using her..these are two emotionally damaged people who only know how to connect in damaging ways.

I agree and can relate!

IAT - you can feel used by the sex without your husband being a monster that is using you. You feeling used doesn't mean that he has the intention of using you. Many BS feel that sex with the WS soothes some of the pain and creates a temporary bond. That is how I feel anyway. You feeling used doesn't mean he used you. He is not responsible for your feelings. He feels better I assume when you guys have sex. So he asks for the thing that makes him feel better. That doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. But it doesn't mean he is a monster.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 8:52 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

Selithe...

I don't think that is the case here.

I think IAT loves her husband and I think he loves her.

I also think they are loving each other from extremely damaged places. And as a result, they have all these unmet expectations, piled on top of old hurt, new hurt, and other traumas they have inflicted on each other. Coupled with previous abuse, codependency and mental health issues this is a damaging cycle that is both comforting and toxic to them both.

I hope HM remains NC..not because I want IAT to hurt but because I think they need this distance for themselves. I don't wish either of them pain but I know how painful this journey can be. And who doesn't want to avoid pain?

I agree with prissy, Hikingout and whoever else has noted that this will only get better for you when you start controlling you and stop focusing on expectations of him. If you know sex with him hurts you after then make a different choice. You’re saying he objectifies you but you’re the one making the decision to have sex with him knowing he is struggling. You have to hold yourself accountable for your choices...this doesn’t end until you do that. You can’t control him, you can’t have expectations of him or say: “I give you X so you have to follow through with Y”. All you can do is see things for what they are and make decisions to protect yourself and treat yourself better based on that. Set boundaries and be strong in your choices. Think things through...for example, if having sex with him means that you know he will pull away bc he is not stable in his emotions with this right now then you don’t do it bc you know that you won’t like how u feel after when you’re faced with his emotional instabilities. Make a different choice that may be harder in the moment but better in the long run for both of you. Be stronger for yourself, take accountability for what’s happening. You both have a role but you can only control your part of it. No more blaming.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:21 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:21 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

I can understand and support a BS saying "I am far too angry and hurt to know if I can stay with you, so if you want to try for R, you'd better be ready to hear me talk about divorce and fight to show me you don't want it." That's not manipulation; it's a fair representation of the betrayed's state of mind. They just don't know if they're up for the enormous investment of trying to save the marriage.

That's very different, IMO, from saying "You have to prove you want me by taking anything and everything I dish out, and if you set any boundaries on that, you failed the test." If you're told your only worth is as a sex toy, that's not something you have to tolerate. More than that, it's not something you should tolerate.

You made a toxic choice by having an affair. You exchanged your self-respect for the approval of a man. If you try to use the same strategy to repair a broken marriage, don't expect a different result.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:23 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

This thread is so interesting.

It sure is. Quite revelatory, in fact.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:23 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:24 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Once a BS chooses divorce, it is THEIR responsibility to fix themselves and deal with their pain solo. That’s divorce. I challenge you to find anyone, ws or bs, that would say you still need to heal your spouse one divorce is chosen. It’s not to be mean to my bs or avoid fixing anything. I’ve seen bs say they’re no longer your responsibility. It’s not to be mean.

If you guys are getting a divorce then act like it. It is confusing and torturing you both. Tell him you aren't having sex with him if you aren't reconciling. And then stop. Stop spending time together. If that means he has to figure out where to spend time with his kids then that is up to him to figure out. You guys are making this blurry. If you are divorcing then only talk about the kids and logistics.

If you are getting a divorce then act like it.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:24 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]