I have recently signed up to and started a group therapy course with a domestic abuse charity. I never thought I would "be that man" and indeed my BS never thought she would be "that woman". I have seen evidence of abusive behaviour in the past and had nothing but contempt for the man dealing out this obvious abuse. Yet here I am.
I did notice an increase in anger from me directed at BS. Always when discussing affairs and when she was calling me out on lies or my defensive behaviour. I would shout and become physically intimidating. I would regret this when I calmed down, but did not look into the reasons behind the anger and indeed would get angry with BS when she pointed out the reasons she thought caused it. Then one evening we were arguing and I got angry, I was more physical, but minimised this with I did not strike her or punch her, therefore it’s not something that needs addressing, all I did was get angry. Fast forward until recently when this happened again. This time I realised what I had done, but still minimised my behaviour.
I signed up to group therapy with a local domestic abuse charity. Thinking all I needed was "a few tips" on controlling my anger. I even said to my mentor that I have not hit my wife I just need to learn to control myself. That I was worried I might lose control and do something more damaging. He just repeated what I had said and continued with questions. All of these questions were data gathering to see just how abusive and dangerous I was. They asked if they could contact BS, which I agreed to after consulting her. She is now on a course for domestically abused women. They even considered putting her on an at risk register…. I did not understand this at first and I was shocked that they would even consider this. Hey, I’ve not hit her, what’s the problem? Although it did trigger a conversation and a reaction from me. BS found some books that talk about types of abuse, both physical and emotional and the subdividing these into different types of abuse. Reading this book floored me. I read reports of guys who slammed their wife against walls or slapped them and defended this by saying I’ve not punched her. While true, it does not take away from the physical abuse. "Even just" being physically intimidating and shouting is abuse. It covered financial abuse…again, my minimising mind told me I’ve never stopped my wife spending money…..and yet I had. I have always been very free spending. In the past mostly on me and going out with "friends" and/or APs. In doing this BS had to control her spending to cover any emergency spending…then even covering every day spending while I spiralled into debt.
Now in starting the course I see so much more abuse I’ve inflicted on her and I see abuse everywhere. My father was emotionally abusive to my mother, sister and foster sister that he agreed to take into care. I have no memory of physical or sexual abuse. I see abuse with my BIL against my sister. He is certainly emotionally abusing her, he is very physically intimidating, he’s constantly belittling her and often their children. I see it everywhere. I now need to have a conversation with my sister as often as possible….this is made difficult because he no longer wants her to talk to me following a previous incident. So I now have to speak with my sister when he’s at work. I try to bring this into the conversation that I’m concerned about this behaviour. She puts it down to, "that’s just the way he is". Minimising on her side. He has recently lost his mother to cancer, but this behaviour predates this my many years.
I now need to focus on my behaviour and abusive behaviour. Looking back at this being my way of controlling conversations, using anger and then escalating this as soon as shouting did not have the desired effect. In addition to the weekly meetings for me and BS the charity also check in with us both to see how we’re feeling. BS has even apologised to me for having to be honest with the counsellor.
I will not be that man any more. I know there are a lot more home truths that will hit home over the next six months I am on the course and I need to be grown up enough to accept this and talk it through with BS every week. More evidence, not that it’s needed, to conform my wayward mentality is still firmly in place and I need help in controlling this behaviour. It really hit home that if I can recover myself and my marriage I will always be a recovering abuser and adulterer. Always needing to take every day and commit to not being that person. This is needed if the personal recovery is enough to save my marriage or not. I cannot and will not go backwards, assuming I can go forwards.
The councillors on this course and my IC keep telling me that self referral is a good step and I should feel good that I’ve done this. I don’t feel it. Maybe relief that the referral did not come through authorities following my arrest or something similar. I feel contempt to myself for being in this position. That I now have to sit in a room with other abusers that I previously would have looked down on. That I am that man. Even stronger feelings come from knowing my BS has to do a similar course. That she has to go through further trauma talking about my abusive behaviour to her. Something she did not ask for or deserve. She has to work through years of abusive behaviour. This is so unfair on her. Having lived through everything I’ve inflicted on her, she now has to live through it again. How does anyone help their wife thought this? I take some relief that this is now addressed and she and I are both getting help. That she now has a point of contact should my behaviour make her feel unsafe.
This is a big reason for my recent withdrawal from my relationship, my work, my activity on SI and being there for BS.
A lot of hard work needed
[This message edited by Bulcy at 4:13 PM, Friday, April 8th]