SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a long time since I last logged in. You all helped me heal last time and eventually, WH husband and I reconciled and had two additional children (total of 4).

We have been together for 23 years, married for 17 years and are parents to two teenagers and two in elementary school. We married following his second combat deployment and soon thereafter he started down the rabbit hole. Depression, addiction, anger and relational challenges took center stage. We had a two year old son and one year old daughter in 2009 when I found out he had been having sex with someone I knew while her husband was away in combat.

He projected all of his reasons onto our "failed marriage" and his narrative of our life together didn’t come close to anything I had experienced. All from the wayward playbook.

We figured out a path through with counseling and renewal and after a few years of work, we were the strongest we had ever been.

From there his untreated PTSD increasingly caused problems and we have had difficulty communicating. His depression is complex and remains untreated.
Fast forward to this past Friday night. He let me know he loves me as a friend or family member but isn’t in love with me and never will be again.

He wants a divorce but is worried about the kids so his solution is that nothing changes:

he lives in the master (I sleep in another room and have been for a few years although I’d prefer not to….he said I snore and keep him up but the kids say I don’t snore)

We still have sex

We are nice to each other (no arguing)

I continue to shop cook clean laundry (all chores)

Our money stays intertwined (I make three times what he does)

But he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore

He gave me permission to have sex with other people because I like sex so much

But he won’t have sex he just knows I can’t be alone

And he is trying to figure himself out and knows he is messed up
He said this is all about him and he doesn’t love himself so he can’t love me

But he loves the kids

I am beyond devastated

For several months he has been spending lots of overnights and late nights away "hunting" or with friends. He is always on his phone.

All the signs….even our kids have asked me if he has a girlfriend

I can’t eat or sleep and continue to cry uncontrollably when I am alone

What do I do?

He's basically proposing a loveless marriage. Are you okay with that?

Take some time to take care of yourself because lord knows he won't anymore. He's said as much. He's shown you who he is and what he is willing to do. Now it's up to you to believe him.

He admits to being messed up but doesn't sound like he's getting actual help. Just turning to whatever/whoever he's on his phone with and those late nights out to make himself feel better.

Really rethink everything and see what you want from this 'marriage.' If you can, get a free consultation with a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like.

Sorry you are here again.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 6:27 AM, Tuesday, September 13th]

I’m so sorry that you’re here again and that he never bothered to get his shit in order.

So you make three times what he does AND the deal is you’ll also continue to do all the chores?

Yeah, I’ll BET that he wants to stay in that arrangement while doing whatever he pleases with whomever.

What exactly are you supposed to get out of this arrangement?

He just wants to eat cake and keep the appearance of being a good dad. If he really loved his kids and was a great dad, he’d be putting them and setting the best possible example for them above everything else, including himself.

Offer him what he wants but without the opportunity to stay married to you. Kick his ass out of the master bedroom. See an attorney to understand what your rights are, and let him know that you are not just waiting around for him to set every term.

Remove whether he is cheating for a moment.

He laid his cards in the table about how he feels. You got the ILYBNILWY speech.

He doesn’t want a D b/c you make more $ and he would lose out.

That sounds pretty selfish if you ask me. He’s basically giving you his "permission" to see other men, because most likely he’s seeing someone rose. He appears to be carrying in an affair right in front of you.

You have options. Please know that. So sorry for you.

The clarity with which you lay your situation out is impressive. You seem to have a great handle on the one-sidedness, the unfairness, the dysfunction, and the heartbreak of your situation.

You know he has been clear that he doesn't love you like a wife and he assures you that it will not change.

When things have gotten to the point where the kids ask if he has a girlfriend, the dysfunction in the situation is public...to at least those in the home.

Is this the model of marriage you want for your kids? If one of them were in a similar situation, would you urge them to stay with a spouse who laid out the conditions your husband did?

Will you feel joy under these conditions? Or could you find joy and healing on your own?

Big, big hugs to you! You already know that you--and the kids--deserve better. You truly do

Get to a lawyer or three and see what divorce looks like for you. Also go to your Doctor and get tested.

Once you have your ducks in a row tell him you’ve seen this movie before. Tell him he can either come clean, become transparent with his electronics/social media, including handing over his phone right damn now, and get himself into treatment for his ptsd and cheating or you will implement your lawyers advice for divorce.

I doubt he’ll choose option A. 180, stop cooking for him or doing his laundry or anything else. He wants an open marriage, tell him nothing opens a marriage better than divorce.

He is a serial cheater.
He is a broken man.
You cannot fix him. That's his job. To fix himself.
Even without cheating what he proposes is a horrible way to live, of course he doesn't want a D, he's got a mom that cooks, cleans, and washes the shit stains out of his unders. That's not a wife that's a mother.

You can do better, when you demand better.

1. STD tests
2. Get meds to help you deal if you aren't sleeping/eating or crying all the time.
3. See an attorney, learn your rights.
4. Consider IC and is you are immediately struggling consider reaching out to your employers EAP program if they have one.

Time to stop worrying about him, he clearly doesn't care about you. Time to focus on yourself.

I've got to be honest with you... you've got a lot at stake. You're the main breadwinner and you've got a bunch of kids depending on you. You can't afford to play the ILYBNILWY game with this guy. Not only do those kids need a stable home life, they need proper role modeling.

Yeah, you could play his game and let him live under your roof while he does his dirt, but for how long and at what damage to your kids? He could waste years of your life and then walk out anyway because the OW du jour doesn't want to share, and in the interim, what do you think your kids are going to see? What will they tolerate from their own significant others in the fullness of time? What will they perpetrate upon them?

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I think that if you sit with it a little, the choices he's left you are in stark contrast. Depending on where you live, it may be worthwhile to keep your powder dry, hire a PI, and sue him for divorce on grounds of adultery. In many states, that will mitigate, if not eliminate, alimony. Your best bet is to see an attorney and review your options.

((big hugs))

Thank you for your honest words and kindness.

I know all of this and now need to act on it.

The impact of the responses to my post are huge and I am so grateful to each of you.

I need to figure this all out now. Every moment he remains in my home is damaging and our kids are too precious for me to allow that damage.

What sucks the most when you're dealing with an an unrepentant cheater/abandoner is that they're pretty far ahead of you. They've already dealt with their own emotions and whatever fears they had about splitting. They've tossed a hand grenade into your life and you're left standing there in shreds with everything you thought you had together embedded in the walls and ceiling, and it's at this precise moment when you most need to be practical.

Did you know that in many states, if you continue to cohabit or allow the cheater back into your bed, the court will view it as condonation, which will take adultery as grounds off the table? Even in "no fault" states, there can be financial benefits to filing on ground, or at least, leveraging the option to file on grounds. So yeah, depending on your jurisdiction, it might actually be an important consideration that you catch him out if he's cheating, and all this, at a time when you're dealing with the wreck and ruin his betrayal has caused.

Anyway, there's a really good book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which might help you get some perspective. She does a really excellent job of explaining how this kind of trauma affects the brain and body.

Just know this, you're going to be okay. We've all come through it and we're still standing. You will too. It's going to be rough going for a long while, but it really does get better.

((hugs))

Usually I'm full of compassion and helpful advice, but WOW, your self-centered succubus of a WH takes the cake!

Kick his butt to the curb, but quick. He's presented you with an option that works great for him, and subjects you to a life of pain and ongoing agony. You know why he wants that arrangement? Because you make his life very comfortable and shield him from the consequences of his poor decision-making (refusing to get help for his issues and his lack of ability to keep it in his pants). Tell him thanks, but no thanks to his offer, tell him to pack his crap, and get out of your house. "Your" being the singular version of that word, not the plural. You're too old for housemates, and you wouldn't want to expose your kids to that.

Get to a lawyer ASAP and set up support and visitation BEFORE the divorce if you can, so that doesn't hold you up. Tell your bright and shiny new lawyer what you plan to do to separate finances (see below), and have him or her let you know what is legal, and what else needs to be handled. Then file with cause, if your state has that. Mine did, and it only took me 5 weeks to obtain my freedom and cut the choreographer of the pick-me dance out of my life. My was he shocked when I ended it by taking the needle off that record and smashed it into the ground!

Regarding finances, open up new accounts in your name only and move all of your money to them. Then go close your joint accounts and give him the check for what's left over after you've taken your money out. Be sure to update all of your auto-pay bills with your new card/account information. Get everything you can into your name only. Cancel all of the joint credit cards, and start a pay-off program. Lastly, don't forget to change your beneficiaries.

Then inform him that you have a counter-offer. You won't go after him for alimony if he signs a quit-claim deed. If not, you're going for it. (Keep in mind that there are a lot of things that you can propose/say to your STBXWH that your lawyer cannot. Deals like this are one of those things.) If he bitches, compromise by agreeing to pay him 1/4 of the equity in the house. Then go get a home equity loan for his 1/4.

Don't worry about grace or style. (God knows I didn't have any!) Worry about being fast and decisive, and not taking any crap. He's handed all of the power over to you. Use it.

Then get you and the kids into counselling and TAKE CARE OF YOU ALL.

Look for your anger, and use it to motivate you into action. How dare he treat you and your kids that way! Be decisive, be sure in your actions, don't inform him of what you're doing before you do it, and don't take any crap from him. Chances are, you'll blow his socks off. That's a good thing. While he's still in shock and awe, he's less able to argue with you.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. But at least he's not pretending anymore, and you're now free to go find somebody worthy of you, when you're ready. The bonus is that you won't have to entertain his asinine suggestions about how you can ruin your life anymore.

I don't know why your story has pissed me off so much, but I really am galled by his behavior. Maybe because my XWH had similarly idiotic ideas that shined a spotlight on how he had lost all touch with reality. Yeah, I was like "Thanks but no thanks. I'll run my own life now, and you can handle your mess of a life on your own. I'm not going to facilitate you flushing your life down the toilet. Best of luck to you, LOSER." (Of course, it didn't feel like that at the time, but I hit a point where I had just had enough, and once I hit that point I moved very quickly and decisively. But looking back on it, that's what I did, sans the calling him a loser part.)

I had a therapist once tell me (when I kept complaining about a situation in which I felt truly powerless, but really wasn't) that if I just did one thing to work towards a resolution to my problem, I would feel so much better. Like do 1% to solve the problem, and I'd feel 50% better. Of course, I thought she was crazy and deserved to be the one on the couch, but damn if she wasn't right.

You can do it. Even if you don't think you can, YOU CAN DO IT. Because realistically, what's the option? Yeah, I don't think you want that.

I happened to watch a TED a few months ago about brain damage. Has anyone done any kind of scan on his? This particular type is scary because you can actually see holes. Was he in active combat? If not then this is a moot point. The amount of damage cause by explosions of all types does alter the brain. Just a suggestion since he constantly talks about his moods.

I am so sorry that you are here again and dealing with this devastation. You deserve more. You know it... whatever he may make you believe.. you are worthy of more... someone to commit to you... someone who will have your back... someone who doesn't want to share himself and you with others. Look into the future.. you will not be happy. He is not saying he is sorry and wants to reconcile.. You know what it is you need to do. I will pray for you... that you have the strength to get through this trying time. God Bless.

luvedmypbear-
Your husband wants a robot who cooks, cleans, pays the bills and to have sex with. You usually see this with age gap relationships, but even then they usually aren’t so blatant. In this moment I can’t think of anything I’ve read more offensive in my entire god damned life. I’m so so so sorry. Please see a lawyer ASAP. And enter therapy. And start the hard 180 forthwith. You’ve done nothing to deserve this and need to get rid of this parasite.

You all shed incredible light on this situation. I appreciate the time you have taken very much.

Solarchick: I know why it bothers you so much. I feel it too. For me the heartstrings are for my kids who deserved to enjoy a healthy and loving home.
In reading what I wrote, he does come across as obnoxious.

Cooley: yes, multiple combat tours and several experiences being blown up. He suffered more than one TBI
I don’t know when his most recent scan is from.

I participated in a loving relationship for six years with him before his character starkly changed. I have been so saddened by his lack of personal care. I shoved it all into the category of: in sickness and in health.
He is not well.
I wanted to stand by him and help him get better. Somehow, he isn’t able to get better while being in a relationship with me.

Aletheia means truth in Greek and you are spot on as is every poster on this thread. I will file for D, I Will support my kids in counseling, etc.
I hope we can heal as a family once he moves out

Hi @luvedmypbear I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much pain in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. I think from what you've said, it's clear that your H does need professional therapy before he can even begin to be the husband and father you and your family needs.
I'm just wondering if there is any reason why he's not getting help for his PTSD and depression as these are major issues that seems to be having a negative effect on your relationship.

Can I also suggest you consider IC for yourself to help you process your feelings and what you're dealing with. You deserve to be in a loving and supportive marriage.

I pray the near future brings healing and peace for your emotions and wisdom for the decisions you have to make.

uvedmypbear

I am so sorry,I think we are living in parallel existence right now.

It's been 6 years since I've been on SI after finding out about my WH's cheating & D-day back AGAIN

I R'd originally since my kids were really young, possibly as you did.

My WH has PTSD diagnosed from childhood abuse (not military) but can't communicate either. HE did try EMDR(?)therapy, I don't think he stayed with it long enough to be helpful.

I did not get the I love you but not IN love with you speech but I did just find out a week ago about D-day #2, multiple OW from the last 3 years that I had no idea about. He had filed for divorce because he knew I had seen my attorney, likley know it was for him to get out of the marriage before he was caught cheating since we have a post-nuptial agreeement in place with fidelity clause.

I'm guessing you're assuming your FWH is actively cheating again, I'm so sorry, you didn't get the proof like I did.I hate that we're here again together in this situation.

Was also dealt those lovely pages from the Wayward playbook, the marriage was bad, I wasn't attentive enough--we both know the drill unfortunately. We have considered previously just doing the loveless marriage thing to get the kids raised.

I'm so sorry your kids are picking up on him and his cheating, my two kids sat at the movies with my WH while he was on his burner phone and when they confronted him (they're young teens) he gaslighted them saying they were crazy. The OW (there are a few know that I have proof of) even screen shot me the messages from the night he was texting her WHILE in the movies on that phone

Our kids are smart and perceptive, it breaks my heart that they have a front row seat to their father's cheating or possibility of it. I have learned though my kids see him for what he really is, they see the truth and have to eventually have to make peace with it.

YOU and your children deserve much more, please stay strong, hard 180, put your plans in effect. I think any investigation is pointless and will cause you more heartache. You know you can't forget what you know as far as cheating is concerned.

Much love, CT101

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 2:50 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]