SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Big life relationship #2... WS #2. Common denominator - me.

I used to say while we were together that he was the last man I'd ever be with. Not just because I wanted to be with him forever, but because... I'm just done with it all. Pre DDay, our relationship was good. So it wasn't because of that. I just... don't want to go through it anymore.

I'm in my 40's, I don't have children, I have friends and family as well as a career I enjoy (usually).

I think this was my last go round.

Edit: I didn't mean this to be a downer post. Really, what I guess I'm saying, is that I view my new beginning as focusing on my friends, family, and career rather than pursuing another relationship.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:06 AM, Friday, September 16th]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you.

I am sure other people will be along to offer support too.

Very sorry to hear about your loss. Hang in there. You're post isn't a downer. It's a real-er. These things happen.

I get where you're at. Some days it seems that life might be easier being single. Who knows.

Hugs.

I'm in my 60s and I have not given up. I'm sorry things did not work out, but I'd encourage you not to throw in the towel yet. I just reconnected with a high school sweet heart, and wow have our lives been mirror images, her cheating spouse, my cheating spouse; kids reactions; and similar feelings. Who knows? I'm open. We'll see.

Take the time you need for you, and be open to what's next....

The good news: This time, you know what to do, what works best to protect yourself, and that you will survive. I will hold off on chiseling it into stone that you're done forever, and leave the option for you to change your mind later. You have a great support system. Lean on it now. You have plenty of time to analyze and figure out your picker and refine it. Set boundaries and standards while you heal. Make them tough and very hard to achieve.

The bad news: If/when you get back out there, most people just SUCK. You'll wade through a ton of game-playing losers, some of which are damn good at the game.

The good news: Some genuine people that are worthy of you do exist.

Wishing you hope, healing, serenity. (((hurtbs)))

Prior to my EXWW's A, I was a relationship person. Upon my decision to D, I foolishly jumped back into a relationship with a woman I met. Looking back I think I was driven by a desire for some type of validation, proving I wasn't worthless and a desire to recreate what I lost, at least in some form. My new relationship proved to be tumultuous and unhealthy for me. We broke up twice and with each ending, I was further damaged.

I tried OLD, usually for a few days every 6-8 months. Sometimes I would stay on it for a whole week. It is a cesspool of unrealistic expectations, with the same faces cycling through on various sites. It made me sad to see where I had ended up. Yes, I know we care all lonely, but OLD, due to the very format, tends to make people dismiss axwidecrange of potential matches, that had they met IRL,might have connected.

I had about a dozen or so first dates with two developing into multiple dates. But I noticed a pattern after almost 3 years. I would be the one to not want a follow-up date in every case. With the women I dated more than once, I developed serious anxiety, suffering from panic attacks and night sweats. I was shaking and in a constant state of terror. In each case, I spoke to them about my situation and told them that my body was telling me something, and I had to listen to it.

So now I have chosen to go my own way, quietly living my life. I have my career and my daughters. I've closed myself off to relationships as I've come to accept that there may be some permanent consequences of the A, and until thosecare addressed, I cannot subject someone to my baggage. I'm trying to look at the next phase of my life in a positive way, trying to focus on potential and possibilities. I still have 20-25 years left, statistically speaking, and the likelihood of finding a partner is diminishing daily as I age, so I've decided to focus on what I have rather than what I have lost.

The one real challenge is navigating life solo, not because of me, but because of how the world seems to be built. Everything is built on multiples of two: tables for two, double occupancy, etc. I still get sad looks when I take myself out for dinner and tell them I am dining alone. Luckily, I have found some more comfortable places where the staff know me and I am welcomed. Hell, there is one bar that I can call ahead to and the bartender will reserve a single seat along the bar for me. I like it because it is a lone seat and makes me feel like I'm not trying too hard. Plus there is no empty seat beside me so I don't have to meet anyone. Did I mention I was closed to relationship? Haha.

There are some real upsides to being single. The greatest are a sense of peace and personal autonomy. My youngest graduates this year and so my responsibilities will be reduced. This will allow for more weekends away. I've even toyed with the idea of getting a camper and just taking off every weekend. I can bring my work with me, fish during the warmer months and cross-country ski in the winter. Or I could travel, who knows? The point is, I don't have to discuss or negotiate this with anyone. I don't have to try and make anyone happy. Just me. So in the end, not a bad deal I guess.

I'm with you! I don't see it as giving up. I see it as validation that I'm happy.

I'm done - I couldn't think of anything worse than listening to some dude talking about themselves for the next 40 years, or secretly thinking they're da bomb whilst walking around disguised as a normal person. I'm sure there are decent chaps around though #notalldudes. I just watched a good old Sam Vaknin video and he reckons one can only achieve personal growth through sexual intimacy (mind you in another video he says by age 47 the chances of finding a partner are approximately zero).

Everything JustSomeGuy said. 100%. I had similar experiences with online dating. Tried it a few days a year. That's all I could stomach. And now I'm officially done, and have been for some time.

The personal autonomy of being single, not having to check in with someone or make anyone else happy. The peace I feel taking care of my kids and myself, only. It's priceless. I took myself on an international trip, alone, in July. Kids were with their dad, so I bought a plane ticket and I just went. I have another one planned for spring break. Just felt like buying a ticket, so I did. The freedom of that...

Similarly as JSG, I'm sometimes sad at where I am. But I'm also a lot better off than a lot of people, and a hell of a lot better off than where I came from in my marriage. This is my journey. There's no need to compare myself to anyone. My experiences with partners have been nothing but disappointment. People always say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I don't want to waste what time I have left going on 700 bad dates in the hopes of finding a man, whom I might not ever find anyway. One day, an old woman, looking back on my life, I'm not going to be glad I went on all those dates. I will however be glad that I traveled, had quality time with my kids and my friends and my family. Those are the memories I want to take with me when I leave this life. The emotional highs and lows of a relationship is a really hard sell for me. If something happens naturally, as I go about my fabulous life, I might eventually be open to it. But I will no longer search for it, especially online

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:45 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

I am 69 years old. I have spent 45 years of my life married to two different men (24 and 21 years) and they were both "tempted by the fruit of another"..

So, I really am done. You can fantasize all you want but relationships are hard! I know that, you know that, we should all know that.

And I don't have any desire to give anything of myself to anyone but me! I am becoming my greatest love...

And she lived happily ever after..

Nope. I always did like being on my own, so that is a factor. After two marriages, I'm with you. I've experienced how great it can be to have a partner and be in love and it really is amazing (clearly temporarily amazing for me). I do get how great it is to partner up. On the other hand, I don't miss it when I'm single. I don't sit around sad about it. I don't get lonely. I just don't feel the need to have a romantic relationship. It is amazing to have my own space, my own home, my own everything. All the decisions are mine. I always control the remote. I kind of cringe at the thought of compromise at this point in my life. Maybe I'm too selfish for a partner now, lol. I'd attribute it to trauma except that I've always been content on my own, so it's probably just me. Friends are great. Flirting is great. A hookup can be great. But sharing my life? Eh. I'm tired of other people's drama. I really just want to go home at the end of the day and not worry about someone else. Not always possible even when single, but it's a lot more likely when single.

I popped in here after a long hiatus because a friend has just had a DDay so I’m sending her links.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Unimaginable that someone would know what you went through and do it anyway.

Sending you love, friend. The common denominator isn’t you - it’s cheaters.

I’m personally forever changed by betrayal. I’m not in the throes of it anymore and can now actually be happy for couples who seem to be making it work. It’s just not for me.

I can and do love again but it’s never going to be an all in situation for me ever again. I honestly can’t even imagine it. I don’t even blame my faulty picker anymore - something has shifted in me.

I’ve realised that my life is so good without a partner that I’m not really willing to risk it for anyone. The juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.

I’m content. I have peace. I have wonderful friends and lovers who enrich my life in so many ways. The times I’ve felt lonely pale in comparison to even a mildly crappy day in a relationship. I get to choose which parts and how much of my life I share with anyone.

My best friend and I were just talking about this the other day. She just divorced last year so I am a little ahead of her on our healing curve. We were talking about potential future relationships because of something I saw on a fb post in one of my divorce support pages. This gal was talking about dating a new guy and asking about all this "what does it mean when he says" and "I know he loves me but" type stuff (spoiler alert - my respone on there was 'He's a tool. Move on.') My friend and I were chatting about that and I honestly just can't e-v-e-r picture me doing the ignore-red-flags-and-worry-about-dewd thing again. I am not dating yet, but I can tell you that when/if it happens again... red flags? I'm out. Acting one way and speaking another? I'm out. Dickish behavior as a personality trait? I. am. out. The infidelity lessons were too hard-won for me not to heed them in the future.

If it costs me my peace, it is way too expensive for me.

So TL:DR - I never say never to another relationship, but it would take someone pretty amazing to make want to do it again.

I don’t even blame my faulty picker anymore - something has shifted in me.

I’ve realised that my life is so good without a partner that I’m not really willing to risk it for anyone. The juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.

I’m content. I have peace. I have wonderful friends and lovers who enrich my life in so many ways. The times I’ve felt lonely pale in comparison to even a mildly crappy day in a relationship. I get to choose which parts and how much of my life I share with anyone.

So much this.^^^ (except for the "lover" part. Not interested in that...at this time.😉

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:29 PM, Sunday, September 25th]

WhoTheBleep

I jumped back in waaaaay too soon. It took me years to not be a walking red flag of unresolved trauma. Broken attracts broken and all that jazz.

I will say it has been much more rewarding falling head over heels back in love with myself. I missed me!

I'm with you! I'm done. When I am on my own it will stay that way. Statistically it would be highly improbable to meet another life partner and emotionally I'm gutted. The thought of freedom is enticing, and the thought of a bad relationship is simply too frightening to contemplate. Plus, I don't believe I have the ability to love again. I'm just too jaded.

My goal is to work on friendships and community ties but I will miss being a part of a couple. Yes, it will take some work to find a new manner to belong in the world while moving from coupledom to singledom. But hey, at least I won't have to endure a cheating spouse when I make it to the other side!

I think I'm too broken to be in another relationship, plus, as someone else said, "my picker" is not good. Maybe I don't know how to be in a relationship. I seem to give it my all and expect the same in return. Maybe that's normal, but unfortunately I'm not sure I know what normal is. I have no problem with being alone, although I often feel sad when there is no one to share some of my thoughts and feelings with. I am trying to focus on me, but it still feels selfish. I think I have a long way to go.

I tried online dating. Met a few nice people but no real connection.

It was freeing when I deleted my profiles. And I CERTAINLY have a lot more free time. Man what a time suck.

I didn’t like the feeling of shopping for men and assessing them by a picture and a brief paragraph of self marketing. People should be more than a moniker and their picture.

It is perfectly ok being single. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

No way!

Trust, values, faithfulness, ethics and morality are dying.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

Why forsake autonomy and peace of mind.

I hear of huge numbers of betrayals, the mind boggles.

Not into pain shopping.

BTW, how many potential partners are going to confess to a history of cheating. There are a lot out there!

All the best with your decision.

God bless you.

From Downunder.

I’m happily remarried but if my H were God forbid struck by lightening, I would probably be done, too. I would focus on raising my kids to adulthood, cultivating my hobbies, and working toward other goals.

I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve went through, hurtbs. And please… avoid framing the end of your relationships as a personal failing. There are a lot of messed up people in the world; if they weren’t desirable, then none of us would be on this site.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:21 PM, Wednesday, December 28th]